My DD hates me

[FuckedItUpAgain]

Have namechanged for this because DD knows my username.

This may be long, I don't want to drip feed, so bear with me.

DD is 19. I left her abusive father when she was 8. He went NC with her 2 years later. She blamed me for her Dad leaving her, and we had a torrid few years. I then met my now DH who took her on as his own, provides for her, is there for her, does more than her Dad ever did for her. Things starting getting better. The last 3 or so years have been great, she left school with good results, got a full time job and has been lovely to be around. All good so far.

Until a couple of weeks ago. She has a fairly new boyfriend of about 3 or 4 months. He lives about an hours drive away and usually comes up to our house on a Saturday or a Sunday. We've not really met him, have said hello a couple of times in passing but either we're out while he's here, or they go up to her room and never come out until he goes home late at night. So, a couple of weeks ago she text when I was on a night out and asked if the BF could stay the night this weekend. I replied saying I wasn't very happy about it as we don't know him and haven't really met him. She replied saying he wasn't a serial killer etc etc and then 'and you wonder why I hate you'.

This completely shocked me. So much so that I just didn't reply. I hadn't said no he couldn't stay, but was trying to get the point across that I don't really want strangers staying in my house and we needed to 'meet' him etc.

Since then, she's been distant, although this hasn't been mentioned again by either of us. I keep re-reading that text over and over and wondering where on earth I've gone wrong with her.

For Christmas this year, she'd asked for her bedroom to be decorated as her present. I agreed. This morning, I rang her from work (she's off today), and said that a local bed shop were having a black Friday sale tomorrow so if she tidied her room up we could go tomorrow, and choose a new bed for her new room. Her room is an absolute tip, you can't see the floor, there's rubbish, make up, clothes etc everywhere. It's honestly a pigsty. She replied saying that she couldn't be bothered to tidy her room and that it didn't matter, the bedroom is fine as it is and she'll be moving out soon anyway (to live with her friend in a student house apparently). I tried to reason with her but she wasn't having any of it. So I said we'd talk tonight. She reiterated that she wasn't going to tidy up but would go and look at beds and 'do it later' if I wanted .

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I've fucked our relationship up again because of the issue with her BF sleeping over. She's also a lazy moo and would rather lie in bed all day on her day off rather than tidy her room up. She doesn't do any other housework - her only responsibility is her bedroom and her bathroom. I dread to think what state the bathroom is in, I haven't looked in there recently.

I realise this is long, and probably complicated, but I wondered if anyone could give me any advice. Should I give in and let the BF stay the night? Should I take her shopping for her new bed tomorrow regardless of the room being a tip? Or should I stick to my guns?

This parenting lark is hard :( I thought it was getting easier as she got older, but it's not.

I do have anxiety issues so this may seem blown out of proportion to some, please go easy on me if you think i'm overreacting.

[FuckedItUpAgain]

I should've said - she's an only child, and because of her dad going NC, I did try and compensate for that for a number of years. I guess it's backfired now though as she's still acting like a spoilt child

[OzzieFem]

No, I would not give in, or bother about her bedroom. If she is going to move into a student house then she is going to have to pull her weight with the housework, or get booted out by the others. She may decide she wants something for the new digs instead. No point wasting money if she "can't be bothered".

I can understand your hurt from that text message, but it does sound like a reflex action from her disappointment that you (rightly) wouldn't allow a total stranger into your house overnight. She may also be distant because she realizes she has overstepped the mark and be unable to think of a way to apologize.

[OohhThatsMe]

I'd give her the deposit for a flat with her friend instead. No point in buying her a bed.

She's been very rude and should be the one to apologise, but it doesn't sound as thought that's forthcoming. You'll have to talk to her about what she said otherwise it will fester in your mind - I'm sure it was a throwaway remark and she has no idea how much she's hurt you.

Don't let this boyfriend come between you now. You don't know anything bad about him, so ask her to invite him round for a drink some time, so that you can get the chance to meet him. The last thing you need is the pair of them turning against you.

In the end, though, she sounds as though she's ready to leave home and grow up a bit.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

She needs to move out, have a period of fending for herself then she'll appreciate you and know what you do for her and realise that she loves you. I had a volatile relationship with my mum through my teens - I would say things like I hated her - until I moved 300 miles away to start a new job at age 18. I was on the phone to her every night from a call box sobbing that I was homesick and how much I missed her.