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I currently really dislike dd at the minute(48 Posts)
And I feel awful but I am at the end of my tether with her vileness...
I do love her, of course I do. And tell her every day. When she is in a reasonable mood we get on ok, go shopping, watch tv, have lunch out, etc.
But the mornings are awful. She is in year eleven so I get it's stressful. She hates school, there are bitchy girls in her class who are low level nasty.....but not anything the school are interested in. Dd is on a waiting list for counselling with school as she gets down about it. Ive done all the positive chats, etc. She will be moving school after her gcses.
So every morning I get tears of not wanting to go to school. I'm in and out her room for ages nagging her to get up. Calm and firm initially that she has to go yo school. This often deteriorates into her starting full on screaming, worse than any toddler tantrum. Snot, tears, screaming but then when I start telling her off she says she's in pain. Starts clutching her chest, curled in a ball and screams and screams and screams. I don't believe she's in pain as it comes on and off like flicking a switch. She has been to the drs numerous times and they can't find anything wrong and mutter that sometimes teenagers get unexplained pain or growing pain. Of course she fixes on this to say the drs say it's real. But it's funny it only happens in the morning when the school refusal is an issue.
So this morning I try being firm but sympathetic. I give her a painkiller, I'm called a cunt and a bitch. The screaming carry on. I tell her to sit up because being curled in a ball will make it worse. Inget screamed at that I'm a fat cunt who knows nothing. So by now I'm losing my temper and shouting back.
Dh is useless, just yells me yo stop shouting at dd that I'm making it worse. Logically I know he's right but her negative, defeatist attitude is wearing me down. I'm seriously thinking of sending her to boarding school in Sept. partly because I think she needs to grow up but also because I just can't stand her when she's like this. I'm hoping a new school will improve things but am worried it will be the same.
The other thing I'm thinking about is pulling her out of school now which she would be delighted about. Putting her in a different school in town, but am well aware that a term before her gcses is not an ideal time to move school. Especially when this school don't even offer at GCSE one of the subjects she's taking.
Just don't know how the hell I can keep going.
Honestly I think you're husband's right. I understand it's hard but a she's having a tough time and probably taking it out on those that she loves.
Just leave her to get up by herself. If she's late or misses school well then it's her own fault. Do not let her talk to you like that! As soon as she swears ignore and leave her.
Treat her like the toddler she's being.
I do also think though that there's more going on at school that needs to be addressed. However calling you a fat cunt is hardly likely going to garner sympathy from you.
I feel for you sounds a nightmare.
Sounds awful for all of you all round - my sympathies. School relationships are a real issue. My DD had no friend at primary school and thought it was down to her being hard to get along with. However, since moving to secondary, she had had a large circle of friends and is markedly happier and doing better academically. So, yes, those around you at school do make a difference. It sounds very serious in your DD's case.
It would be a very serious decision to move school right before GCSE. Have you asked your DD if she would like to do it?
I wouldn't ask DD about moving school unless you know a school would take her - it might be hard to find a place.
She sounds very distressed but she mustn't be so rude to you, that's dreadful.
I'm inclined to agree with the poster who suggested letting her sort herself out in the morning, if she misses school so be it, it's time she learned about consequences.
I know it's hard though! I have a tendency to pander to my children even though I know it is counter productive.
Would you consider seeing a counsellor for support in managing?
Have you been in contact with the school to tell them this? If not, do this first. Explain mornings to them. If school is bad I would listen to her. Move her if necessary and if she would like it. She might not explain everything to you until later. GCSEs are not the be all and end all. I would get her an appt with GP if possible too. She might need therapy or antidepressants. And have a big chat - but not in the morning. Is she eating? Is she doing things out of school hours? Dig a bit and find things out.
Sorry, I see you are in touch with school.
Snap I changed tactic and she hasn't been to school in a month. Previously ourvroutine was identical I started polite , brought her a cup of tea , then the excuses began then full scale screaming , she'd often get in and go straight to medical room to get sent home !
And actually there's no consequence for them being off, it's us that will end up with a mahoosive fine.
The pain sounds like anxiety. Can you hurry along the counselling? Even pay for any yourselves?
And yes, tell the the school you won't be forcing her I'm every more, and that you will support any disciplinary action they want to take with her. But also ask at what point you are culpable for not sending her to school.... You don't want to get in legal trouble because of her.
Are you disciplining at home over her behaviour to you? Speaking to you like that is unacceptable, no matter what she is feeling.
* in every morning. Stupid phone.
It sounds like anxiety, I know you have been to the GP for te 'pain' but have you taken her to the doctor specifically for this? I would also get in touch with the school, if the other girls' behaviour is making her like this then something needs to be done surely? She doesn't sound happy at all and whilst it is not okay to swear and call you names it's also not fair to force her into an environment that seems to be affecting her mental health in this way.
I need to discipline her after this morning I know I do. Problem is I feel sorry for her being so miserable and if I tried telling her no tv, etc this evening she would just apologise and give me a big sob story about how depressed she is. I'm a soft touch and would cave in.
She'd be delighted if she missed school I'm sure. So she would win. And I would worry so much about her gcses. If I leave her to her own devises she misses the bus. She missed the bus due to this one day a couple of weeks ago and my car was in the garage that day so I couldn't take her in. Which was maybe good because otherwise she would just think I could take her in every day and it's forty min drive there so I could do without it. I think if she misses the bus again I might make her catch the public bus in which will be a pita for her as she will have to walk across town to get to school.
I'm expecting the counselling will start any day now. Was told it would be a six week wait and it's been six weeks this week. So will ring and ask if I haven't heard anything next week.
Sorry if this is way off (don't have a teen yet) but if she hates school to that extent, can she leave and get a job? Is year 11 16? If this is possible, I would give her the option. Apprenticeship, job or school, but whatever she picks she has to stick to. GCSEs can be got later. It's not the end of the world to not get them at 16.
If that's not an option, I would seriously consider the school move.
Aside from that..fat cunt?? Christ, that's shit. I agree though, that hard as it is, when that language comes out you can't engage with it, you have to walk away, remove lift/online/phone privileges.
I know it's easier said than done.
I'd suggest you call them today. Describe this morning's behaviour and explain she needs to be seen urgently. Don't let them fob you off, insist on booking the first appointment.
MH support and counselling can be a nightmare to get, so start being the pushy mum now, for your own sanity not just hers.
Oh god at 'treat her like a toddler'
The DD is obviously suffering extremely, why the fuck would a parent add to that rather than fucking try and help.
I despair I really do.
OP rather than keep her waiting on a list for counciling through school can your GP get her seen quicker by a counsellor, or can you afford to pay for one? Moving school now would be catastrophic, she will not be in a better position than she is now but she will also be in an unfamiliar environment. Don't pull her out, teaching her to be a quitter rate than facing and dealing with problems will get her nowhere in life.
*Oh god at 'treat her like a toddler'
The DD is obviously suffering extremely, why the fuck would a parent add to that rather than fucking try and help.
I despair I really do.*
YY. Exactly this.
It sounds awful OP but there's light at the end of the tunnel. It won't be like this forever. Just wanted to say that.
If you can afford boarding school look into it. If you see one you all like why not. The upper years at boarding school are pretty good fun. You learn to live with people that you wouldn't normally. You have to take charge of yourself etc If you are expecting her to go you uni with or without a year off it sounds like a plan.
If she misses school she will get into trouble but you will too - we've had a year of school refusal due to anxiety and despite my best efforts I was told by camhs that I would be prosecuted if the teenager refused to co operate with school or engage with counselling.
Does she have any particular interests that you could encourage? The only thing that has helped us so far is a club related to an interest which has resulted in a new social group.
Your dd sounds extremely distressed.
I believe she is in pain. The mind-body connection is extremely strong and disorders like depression and anxiety definitely do include physical symptoms, even without an ostensible physical cause. Of course it happens in the morning, when she's facing the prospect of the thing that distresses her.
I hope the counselling does start this week because it sounds like that's what she needs - someone who will listen to her.
What exactly is the 'low-level nasty' her classmates are subjecting her to every day, that the school have failed to do anything about?
if she hates school to that extent, can she leave and get a job?
She can't leave until the last Friday in June. Boarding school next year might well work, but because by then she will be over the school leaving age it would have to be with her full agreement - you couldn't make her go.
But if she likes the idea, could you use it as a carrot? There will probably be an entrance requirement so that might be an incentive to get her GCSEs. On the other hand if she really is distressed at school she might not cope anyway.
There is no legal requirement to attend school - just to be educated. Might home school/distance learning be an option? Private tutor? You would have to officially withdraw her from school though - not simply stop sending her - and then I suspect they wouldn't accept her back if it didn't work out.
Hard as this must be for you op, I personally wouldn't send a girl who is this distressed to boarding school. If bs is an option though then I assume you could afford some private mh treatment? In these circs I think I would seek out a good licensed psychologist who is experienced in dealing with adolescents. You've obviously tried lots of strategies and the situation isn't improving, so there's no shame in seeking outside help. And sometimes just having people care enough to sort out treatment (because it demonstrates that her feelings are being taken seriously) and being listened to can be enough to prompt positive change rather than the actual content of the sessions themselves ifyswim, although of course it would help if you could find someone she relates to well. Good luck.
Sorry, managed to miss the bit about counselling starting imminently.