Sharing a sofa'bed' at 14? I don't think so!

(22 Posts)
PingPongBat Tue 22-Nov-16 20:22:05

DD has a friend (male) coming over for at the weekend (not staying over). They are both 14. He’s at a different school, they’ve only met in person once, and their relationship is based on lengthy skype calls / snapchatting plus one afternoon together at his house. She says she loves him and he’s told her he loves her but she’s not sure whether they are really boyfriend and girlfriend hmm Recently he was caught (along with other boys) with nudes of another teenage girl on his phone, DD swears there were none of her.

Anyway - we have a spare room with a sofa bed which relatives use when they stay over. It was made up as a bed last weekend & we hadn’t taken off the sheets etc. until yesterday, & DD asked whether we could leave it made up as a bed for this weekend so she can use the room with him to watch TV in the afternoon. I said no - she thinks I’m being incredibly unreasonable.

I just have this feeling that leaving it made up as a bed sends out the wrong message. I suggested she could pull it out & use one of the throws from the living room, and cushions etc to make it more comfy - not acceptable apparently. She was so cross that she wouldn’t look at me, let alone speak to me, for 24 hours (this is very unusual, we normally get on well, despite the teenage raging hormones). This evening when I finally got round to folding it away into a sofa again she said “so me and BF have to just sit on it like that, do we?” & "You don't trust me do you?" She also asked – “why are you so over protective about this?”

I told her I feel very uncomfortable about a pair of 14 year olds lying in a bed together behind a closed door in my home. And that there will be no bed sharing in this house until they are at least 17, if not 18. (DS tried to get away with it last summer when he was 16 when he and his GF "fell asleep by mistake" after watching a film hmm and I threw him out of the room at midnight).

I’m refusing to get into a debate about it because I just know that - with her lightening sharp teenage arguing skills - she will spin it round, put words into my mouth, interpret everything wrong and we’ll end up fighting.

This is the first time we've had a confrontation about anything to do with boys, and I expect it won't be the last...

Floofborksnootandboop Tue 22-Nov-16 20:33:03

At 14 no way but 16... come on hmm

helensburgh Tue 22-Nov-16 20:35:36

Stand your ground... no way at 14

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Tue 22-Nov-16 20:48:23

I'm usually very relaxed but not this guy, not in a month of Sundays.

PingPongBat Tue 22-Nov-16 20:53:22

Floof I should clarify - no overnight bed sharing in our house until 17/18. I just don't feel comfortable with it. I know my DCs may share beds elsewhere, but I can't bring myself to allow it at home. Perhaps if one of them has been in a long loving stable relationship I may change my opinion on this. But so far that hasn't happened.

SirChenjin Tue 22-Nov-16 20:57:06

Do you think he's putting pressure on her and she doesn't know what to say to him?

Stick to your guns - he sounds like a right dreamboat.

PingPongBat Tue 22-Nov-16 21:12:16

grinSirChenjin he's certainly a dreamboat to her hmm Apparently he wants to apologise to me & DH for the upset he's caused her. I'm looking forward to that conversation...

SirChenjin Tue 22-Nov-16 21:15:57

Oh I'm sure he does grin

Please report back once you've had that conversation - do make sure he breaks a sweat, won't you? wink

Thatwaslulu Tue 22-Nov-16 21:16:09

I wouldn't let my DSS have their girlfriends to stay, and my DS won't have his to stay until he is at least 18 if not older. If anyone is going to be having sex in my house it's going to be me! grin

PingPongBat Wed 23-Nov-16 09:31:29

I will SirChenjin - certainly anticipating the joy of watching him squirm grin

SirChenjin Wed 23-Nov-16 09:39:00

grin

Sugarpiehoneyeye Wed 23-Nov-16 09:42:13

He's one to watch, PingPong 🤔😜

misshelena Mon 28-Nov-16 15:37:40

Why should she expect that you'd let her when you didn't let ds do it at 16? Besides she's only met him once! And you are the one who is "protective"? Sheesh...

chocolateworshipper Mon 28-Nov-16 16:13:01

YANBU. At that age they need their parents to set some boundaries. Personally I wouldn't let them have the door closed either!

ColdTeaAgain Mon 28-Nov-16 16:21:07

I would have put it away too, the phone pictures don't exactly paint him in a great light for starters.

specialsubject Sat 10-Dec-16 10:05:00

So this kid looks at child porn. What a prince. Perhaps explain to your daughter that she can do better and that he is unlikely to be after her sparkling conversation?

Age of consent is there for a reason.

PingPongBat Sat 10-Dec-16 11:17:26

Reporting back - he came for the afternoon, they lay on the sofa bed watching films, we all had dinner together, he was very polite & helpful but there were a few awkward silences, we gave him a lift home... and a fortnight later he's decided he doesn't want to be her boyfriend. What a prince, indeed.

Regarding the photos - a head teacher friend of mine reckons that "all teens do it" and an isolated incident is nothing to worry about. Not sure I agree with that, & of course there's no way of knowing whether this was isolated or not but he seems to have got away with practically no repercussions apart from no access to his mobile for a week. I'm very relieved it's "over" (whatever "it" was!) & she's unlikely to see him in the flesh again as they're at different schools & he lives in a village 15 mins away by car. Oh - and there was no apology / explanation about the photos either hmm

Wanchor Sun 11-Dec-16 01:49:53

he's decided he doesn't want to be her boyfriend. What a prince, indeed.

What?! hmm Why does he have to be your DDs boyfriend? Hardly a prince indeed for deciding he doesn't want to be in a relationship ffs.

specialsubject Sun 11-Dec-16 10:39:30

All teens do it. Baaaa.....

Doesn't mean it is right, or even legal.

Meanwhile it is clear that while her conversation was no doubt lovely, he can see that is all he will be able to get so off he goes. Lesson learned.

Purplebluebird Sun 11-Dec-16 11:21:43

No at 14, but at 16 I think it's fine. I always shared room (used to spend the night at his place) with my then 20 year old boyfriend. We would have had sex other places anyway, so there was no point trying to avoid it...
But I agree, 14 is too young.

Purplebluebird Sun 11-Dec-16 11:28:54

I am sorry I missed a post! Silly boy :/

PingPongBat Sun 11-Dec-16 14:27:52

ouch Wanchor what I haven't really explained is how he's played her - flattering her, saying he loves her, asking her for photos, talking about his previous GF and comparing DD to her etc. I just think she's well shot of him.

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