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Teenage ds and dh had a fight

(12 Posts)
sillysue Tue 22-Nov-16 11:18:23

I'm looking for some advice on what to do next. My Ds (17) is a good lad but can be lazy and difficult as most teens can at times. This morning he was running late and was very rude to me and his dad when we tried to cojole him to hurry. Anyway to get to the point my Ds and dh ended up in a physical altercation, aggressive wrestling more so then punches thrown, my dh was the first to get physical and I would say was more overpowering. I managed to separate them and my Ds has gone to school. My dh is refusing to admit he is in the wrong in anyway. I don't know what to do, should I leave him, we have been having difficulties for some time so I don't want this to be just an excuse to leave if you see what I mean. However I need to side with my Ds on this, I feel.

PatriciaHolm Tue 22-Nov-16 11:28:51

Your DH needs to leave.

What would you do if had been a stranger who attacked your son? You'd go to the police.

sillysue Tue 22-Nov-16 12:29:07

I'm sure you're right. I feel in shock about it all really, my Ds was not innocent in this and did come out ready to fight, if you see what I mean, goading I suppose. But that does not make my DHs reaction acceptable, however he is acting as though all is fine and really doesn't seem aware of how seriously I view this. I just don't know the best way to tackle it, I know I need to protect my dc and put them first. Unfortunately due to a health condition I am financially dependent on dh and have no real friends or family near for support. I think I know I need to leave but need to formulate a plan first.

Blossomflowers Tue 22-Nov-16 15:08:50

Hang on a bit too quick to LTB. Take a deep breathe OP, has anything happened like this before? I am a mother of a 16 and 24 been through the whole teenage process and boys can be very difficult. It can be very hard for dads when this happens. Teenagers can push all the buttons and do need to be controlled. I am a single parent now and my 16 can be terrible and would welcome a male figure to put him in his place at times.

sillysue Tue 22-Nov-16 15:19:48

Thank you, I just don't know what to do really. No nothing has happened like this before, although my dh has got a temper and we are having many other problems, but he has never been agressive to our DS before. I think if he acknowledged he had a part to play in this it would be easier to move on from it, but as it stands when we discussed it this morning he was very much of the opinion that our Ds has burned his bridges with him, that he wouldn't be apologising and that he could care less if their relationship was irrevocably damaged. I think that's what I'm struggling to get past. He doesn't appear to care for his own Ds. We have recently had an incident when he overreacted to our Dd (4) and smacked her hard, for a minor act. He struggles with parenting and I'm not sure I trust him with the dc anymore. I don't want to overreact to this though and I know leaving will be very difficult for all involved. I suppose just finding out what others would do in this position will help.

SVJAA Tue 22-Nov-16 15:25:21

For your first post I would have said take some time to think about things and see how you feel. Until you said that he smacked a 4 year old, hard. That isn't normal, it's really not normal. I'm fully aware of how young children can wind you up to the breaking point, but at that point you walk away and calm down. Not hit a 4 year old. Sorry OP.

sillysue Tue 22-Nov-16 15:32:47

Thank you, I think he is very good at minimising these things and behaving normally after. It makes it hard to leave without me feeling as though I'm being dramatic or over reacting. I didn't really make it clear in the op that this feels like it should be a final straw as oppose to being a one off issue in an otherwise good relationship/parenting. I'm sorry if I've misled, I'm just really confused. I know I need to leave him, or at least I'm pretty sure, but really don't know how. I suppose I half wanted people to say no it's perfectly normal as it would be easier stay, or to say get out it's unacceptable so I'd feel justified in leaving.

SVJAA Tue 22-Nov-16 15:36:48

OP you sound so sad, and so ground down. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you misled me, you didn't and it wasn't what I meant. Do you have RL support? Is there somewhere you and the children can go?
He's gaslighting you, making you doubt your own thoughts even when you know they're right. I know how hard that is to get away from, I've been free 9 years now and it's the best move I ever made. You can contact Women's Aid for advice, and if there's a Freedom project in your local area it's well worth a look. A close friend of mine just escaped an abusive relationship and did the Freedom project and it's improved her self esteem no end!
Best of luck OP, you'll get there flowers

Littleballerina Tue 22-Nov-16 15:37:46

my teenage son was an arse this morning. I didn't use violence.
This man has physically attacked your children. When do you stop talking about protecting them and actually start doing something?
Sorry to be harsh but this isn't normal.

SVJAA Tue 22-Nov-16 15:38:02

Sorry just re read the last line in your update. It is unacceptable, the way he's treating you and your kids is awful and you do need to leave.

sillysue Tue 22-Nov-16 15:45:36

Thank you I think I just needed it confirmed that it wasn't normal. I know what I have to do now. I haven't got any rl support I'm afraid. We live a very long way from family and I have no friends. I can do this though.

SVJAA Tue 22-Nov-16 15:48:02

You have us on here flowers look up women's aid and the freedom project, both will be able to help you and your kids through this.
A huge part of abuse is minimisation, it's a control tactic. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're getting out with your kids and you're doing the right thing.

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