Mum found my sex toys advice??(13 Posts)
I'm here for advice from mums as to how to deal with mine. I'm 18 female bisexual and live with my mum, I have been out for the whole weekend and during this time my mum has decided to tidy my room, which I have no idea why as she hasn't done this since I was 12. But she has gone through the draws under my bed and found my sex toys (dildo,vibrator, butt plugs) and has taken them out and laid them out on my bed and has also gone through my diary which I've written about girls I've slept with (i have never stated my sexuality to her) and has completely moved it and I can tell shes read it as all binding on it is the wrong way round. That is what I've come home to, I haven't seen her yet as she's asleep but I don't know what to do, do I completely ignore it and pretend like nothings happned or do I say something??? Can anyone help?
If she's laid then out on the bed I don't think you can avoid talking to her.
I'd be having a serious discussion with her about respecting your privacy. She shouldn't be going through your drawers.
Ignore it. If she wants to talk about it I'm sure she'll bring it up, at which point you can ask her to not go through your stuff.
.... and possibly tidy your room so she has no excuse to ferret around in there ;)
Bloody hell, I'd be livid if someone went through my stuff and did that. She has seriously overstepped some boundaries here, but maybe she was worried about you and went looking for answers. You know you need to have a conversation with her about this. Probably best to keep it calm and as unemotional as possible. "Well Mum, I guess you know that I'm bisexual now, seeing as you read my diaries. I'd really appreciate it if you could just ask me about things rather than going through my private stuff in future."
You need a lockable container or cupboard for your room as a minimum, but to be honest, behaviour like that would have me looking for my own place!
What purpledaisies said. Its quite bizarre that she should choose this way of communicating though - maybe its time you talked to your mum as an adult about your sexuality.
I recently found my DS1's sex toys... he has gone travelling and I mucked out his bedroom (I had prewarned him I would clean and tidy it and they were under his bed)
I was a little surprised (like 'um what the hell is THAT for?' on a few items ) and then..I tucked them into a rucksack, popped them in his wardrobe, because he is an adult and it is none of my business.
It is none of your mum's either.
However, as a Mum, I might advise you to tuck them away somewhere a little more private! My son is fine with me cleaning his room once in a while and sex stuff is just that as far as I am concerned, but I guess some parents find it a shock to discover their child is a sexual being..
Oh god I really feel for you, my mum is like this too, she just can't help herself.
When I lived at home she'd go through my room monthly without telling me, thinking she was incredibly clever and sneaky but always failing to put things back correctly.
She found my "secret underwear bag" when I was 17 . I know this because I stapled the fecker shut and put a sticker on it saying "Mum, this is private. Please leave it alone". About 2 weeks later it was completely ripped open and put back where she'd found it. I moved out a week after that and said NOTHING. Incidentally, the DP the underwear was for is still my DP now 10 years on!
Our relationship struggled for a very long time as she couldn't understand why I wanted to live at DP's mums house and not hers. Eventually, I told her that it was because I wanted privacy and as long as she insisted on going through all my things, I couldn't live with her. She denied all knowledge for a while which was frankly laughable, until she slipped up and mentioned something she could have only known from finding a piece of paper I'd hidden in my room at home. After that She admitted to having been through my room periodically since I was 7.
When DP and I bought our first house together we gave her a key for emergencies. We came home early one day to find her going through our bedroom .. she'd also been through our fridge, kitchen cupboards and living room drawers and also gone down into DP's man den in the cellar and been through his computer looking for porn
DP was the angriest I've ever seen him. He's a really placid guy but he was completely furious. I was too but because I'd dealt with that my whole life it was kind of "normal"
Needless to say, her key was revoked and it took a very long time for our relationship to recover. I eventually sat her down and explained to her how much it had hurt me and DP. She wasn't sorry and tried to blame us saying we never tell her things about our lives so she "had" to go looking for information . It was then I realized this is compulsive behavior from her and she actually can't help herself. She's lost her relationship with both her daughters as a result of it and it's only now I'm starting to talk to her properly again. My sister still can't speak to her.
She'll never change and I figure she's been punished enough through the loss of any bond with her kids, so I don't mention it anymore. I frankly don't care what she found while she was in our house or while I lived at home, I have nothing to feel guilty about and even if she found something she didn't like, that's entirely her problem not mine.
Remember you're an adult now and the behavior your Mum has shown is the behavior of a child. Don't stoop to that level, pull on your big girl pants and tell her how it made you feel very calmly. If she goes on about how you shouldnt have that stuff or you should have told her about your sexuality, ignore. She's deflecting because she feels guilty. Once you've told her how hurt you are, drop it and walk away. Don't get drawn into an argument, there's no point!
Chin up chuck
To be honest: If it's her house, then unless you're paying rent your room technically belongs to her.
HOWEVER...you also, at age 18, have the right to a reasonable level of privacy, which means she doesn't go through your stuff without a damn good reason, she should knock before entering etc.
My take on it is if you're keeping your space clean and tidy and un-smelly (frankly, if a kid's room stinks - no matter what their age - then their right to any sort of privacy is OFF until it they clean it, because it's horrible for other people to have to put up with that sort of crap in the house, and teen stink DOES permeate the entire house!), then she shouldn't be going through your things.
And your sex toys are definitely your own business, at age 18.
In short, you need to have a talk with each other. Discuss boundaries, responsibilities, roles, rights and rent.
I think your end of the deal should be to keep your space clean and tidy (and smell-free!) and to do your share of household responsibility (i.e. if there are 4 people in the house you should be doing 1/4 of the housework), and her end of the deal should be to respect your right to have whatever sex toys you want in your room, without her going through them.
If you're working, you need to pay board / rent. No matter how little you're earning, rent / board should be a part of that. That's called being an adult.
I know I'm covering more than just your questions here, but if you expect to be treated like an adult (ie. privacy) then you need to behave like one with regards to your behaviour generally and supporting yourself. I'm not saying you're not, but at the very least you should be doing your share of the work around the house as well. Too many teens expect to be treated "like an adult" which means, in their eyes, all of the benefits and none of the responsibilities.
Just my 2c.
Mum, did you borrow my sex toys? Do we need to take you shopping?
Leave a note asking her to run them through the dishwasher next time she tidies.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.