How to support my 14 yo DD(6 Posts)
My DD is finding things incredibly tough at the moment. I have spoke (with her there) to both her school and the doctors. She's getting a lot of pressure from school but is doing well.
At first we thought it was down to school work but now I get the feeling it's us.
She says that we and everyone else doesn't care about her, that we don't want her, that we should just bother with our S. Thinks that we are always ignoring or angry at her. (I have shouted a few times after slammed doors).
My OH doesn't know how to help as he thinks that it's all aimed at him. (She often ignores him and belittles him as he does a manual job and didn't leave school with many qualifications)
School have offered both mentoring and a councillor, but it's my Ds choice and she's point blank said no.
We cut our last holiday short as she wasn't happy and didn't want to be there.
I don't know if I'm being to soft with her, even when she is rude and pushes me away. She says her friends families aren't like this.
Can anyone give me any advice, I'm hoping that she will soon come out the other side, as I don't know if I can keep going.
Sounds like normal 14 year old girl behaviour I'm afraid. My DD is a year older and we've had all that behaviour for the last year or so including ruined holidays.
I'm a lone parent as my exH ran off with OW so I get the full brunt of it. Most of the time I get attitude and criticism, every now and again when she wants support (like before a test) I do get requests for hugs, which is nice.
I think all you can do is tune out as much as possible, keep telling her you love her and only challenge the most outrageous behaviour. I'm reliably informed by parents of older girls that they turn into human beings again around 17-18. I'm hoping for a little earlier!
Your dd is angry and depressed. She thinks you don't care about her because you care only about your ds. I am not saying that she is right. But, as the saying goes, perception is reality. Her reality right now is that she doesn't matter to you and your dh. And she is reacting by rejecting you both, by pushing you away.
I think you need to address this situation now and not hope that she'll outgrow it. If she really thinks she doesn't matter to you, she'll never "outgrow it", she'll just grow up and turn her back on you.
Try to think of what you may have done that's made her think you don't care. Maybe your ds is a harder child for some reason? Maybe there are cultural reasons to prefer sons? In any case, you need to talk to her, accept that she sees things the way she does, accept your contribution to her perception, and then rectify what you are doing that's making her feel this way. And continue to talk to her and continue to reassure her that you are working on it and ask her to help you.
The teenage brain is wired differently to younger children and to adults. It can help to show teens we are listening, by saying things like 'uh huh, tell me more' rather than giving our own opinion. Also, if DC says they are annoyed about something, it can be useful to empathize and say 'Mmm, I can see why you feel like that' rather than brush it aside as unimportant.
Please get the book. Get out my life but first take me and alex to town.
It helped me so much. It tells you what is happening to a teenage brain, what they do and how to deal with it.
Some of the advice I was sceptical about but I did as it said and it made a massive difference.
I wish I had read it years earlier.
Just do what it suggests consistently and for months and a difference happens.
Also agree with her don't try to fix stuff. E.g.
Daughter -I look shit in everything.
You - no you don't you look lovely.
D- you have no idea you're just saying that
You- I'm not
D - shut up stop being an idiot
You- don't talk to me like that.
D- I look shit in this dress
You- I hate it when I feel like shit in my clothes.
Then walk away. You have normalised her feelings and acknowledged them and believed her. Use this strategy to everything. Homework. - I hated homework such a pain. You name it just knowledge her feelings.
It works. Big hug.
Yeah I will agree on the book thats been stated above and also the teenage brain.
try and get her to do things she is good at and enjoys so it helps to build her self esteem
you and her spend more time one to one
get involved show an interest in what shes doing - i had to find interest in sims gaming but it was nice for her to be chatting with me and interacting.
try not let her stay in her room all the time.
check her computer and history and make sure she isnt looking at anything. Also check her messages /social media and see if any of her friends are going through anything.
maybe buy her something she can do for a hobby like a puzzle (calming) art therapy books, maybe she join a club.
i do apologise if you have done all these things just things that have helped our daughter when she went through this.
she still has a struggle here and there but its no way as turbulent as 14/15! Good luck xx
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