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AIBU in asking DD to move out(15 Posts)
DD is 21. Love her dearly but she has always been a mix of shy, stubborn, lazy and very messy. She finds it very hard to make friends, most of the time she tags along with her older sister.
She didn't go to university and wants to be a singer songwriter. She's actually quite good and has had her songs played on local and national radio but she's doesn't put the time or the effort into marketing and business side of things and doesn't show up to gigs of she doesn't feel like it.
I bought a house and renovated for her to live in and rent out the other rooms. She couldn't get on with any of her housemates didn't pay the rent or the bills and ran up huge debts.
When I visited the place was strewn pizza boxes and smelled of weed. Over the course of six months things went from bad to worse. She eventually asked me to lend her the money to pay the bills. I was only willing to do this if she agreed to work full time in order to pay me back.
She agreed but the next day took an overdose and said it was because she didn't want to make promises she couldn't keep to me about the work.
She attended one counselling session arranged by the hospital but has refused to go back to any others. The counsellor she saw told her that he didn't think she was depressed but that she needed help managing her feelings.
When she came out of hospital I moved her back home. This was four months ago. I have arranged for her to get a casual job at my work. It took a lot of cajoling and begging for her to go on the training courses needed to do the job. Some days she doesn't show up at work but because they are very short staffed they put up with it.
She doesn't pay any anything towards rent food or bills but has started paying me back for the debts I paid off on her behalf. Her room is a tip, she leaves a trail of mess through the house. If I ask her to help out around the house I usually get a tirade about how unsupportive I am and how hard things are for her. I never know what mood she's going to be in whether angry, tearful, or just grunting.
I'm on tenterhooks worried that if I insist that she helps out she'll take another overdose. Both her sister and I think the overdose was her way of getting me to look after her.
My hair is falling out. My GP referred me to a specialist who diagnosed Alopecia areata, “probably exacerbated by stress”. I've lost around 50% of my hair and now have to wear scarves most of the time. I've tried counselling and meditation for myself and these are helping, but the hair loss (and other unexplained medical issues) still continue.
Some morningd I have to litetally stand over her to get her to get dressed and go to work, yet the days when she does go to work she acknowledges that she is in a much better mood.
I have suggested now that she is working she moves out to a shared house which her sister manages. She gets on well with one of the people in the house in it's not too far from her work. She says she can't cope on her own buy I don't think I can cope with her here.
Am I being unreasonable in wanting her to move out.
Would it not be better to get her into a house without a family connection? That way she may feel more obliged to pull her socks up and pay the rent! Also, It doesn't seem fair to just pass the problems on to her sister?
Yes, but I her sister doesn't live in the house she just manages it. We (her sister and I) thought this would be a good half-way-house, so to speak. And she would have to pay rent, albeit to her sister.
What do you mean her sisters "manages" the house? Does she own it, or is she a lettings agent?
Obviously you know your DD best, but from an outsiders point of view I think if she moves into a house which has a link to her sister it will give her an excuse for not taking responsibility for her obligations.
What benefits do you think there is to her moving into a property which her sister "manages", rather than one independent of her family?
Can you not bring her home as she obviously needs the support?
Meadows she is living at home at the moment.
I totally misread your OP. Apologies.
It doesn't change anything, of course, but she sounds like her behaviour is along the same lines as my DD20. DD has Asperger Syndrome and despite her chronological age, she is maybe emotionally about 14.
With regret, I have to say you are BU because she clearly cannot cope with adult life.
You've done a huge amount for her - but she can't cope with it. By suggesting she lives with her sister you are simply shifting responsibility to your other daughter.
Do you think it's possible that she might have some form of dyspraxia? I have a family relative who is 30, and who is unable to live alone because of the whole bills / organisation / responsibility thing.
i dont know how less stressful it would be for you if she moved out?
sort of out of sight out of mind type of thing?
i think passing of over to her sister's house is not going to help. I think yes to you stepping back but not too far back.
Have you & your other DD discussed what's going to happen if this DD does as she did in the other shared house, refusing to pay rent & annoying other housemates?
It sounds like she can't cope with adult life. I have been the same and, I hate to say it, I ended up in a godawful mess.
If it were me I would plan a sit down and talk session, lay out your concerns and the way it's affecting you and discuss how she can feel supported in moving on with her life. It seems like she might be overwhelmed with everything. But at the same time she can't continue to live like this.
Perhaps working out a "step by step" program for her might work? Little changes that she masters fully before moving on to the next one so they all come together as part of a bigger picture.
You're clearly a loving, supportive parent and I think if you can channel this in the right way then you'll start to feel better about it all.
Good luck I wish I'd had a mother like you!
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice. I really need it. DD readily acknowledges that she doesn't want to cope with adult life. I don't know whether she 'can't' or 'won't,' that's the problem it's so hard to tell.
When she started secondary school she cried for days about wanting to go back to primary school.
I'm not just passing the problem on to her sister. Her sister has offered. But it might be better if she were not with family. members.
My question isn't so much where she goes but whether she should go? I genuinely believe my health is at stake.
Firstly OP for you! You sound like a lovely mum who has put up with a lot - nobody expects to have to look after their kids once they are adults.
I think that you are right to encourage her to leave. Nobody ever learns how to 'adult' whilst living at home and getting all their laundry and cooking done for them.
That said, you clearly can't just ship her off and expect her to cope. You need a plan!
Sit down with your daughter and write everything down. I mean EVERYTHING! How much money she'll need for rent and bills and food. Organise meals so that she knows what/how much food to buy. You could also have her round one or two nights a week so that she knows she's going to see you and have some 'down time'. If she is struggling with adult life you need to show her how it's done, - and while you're at it have a word about consideration for her housemates (not leaving the place a mess, for one thing) because not everyone out there will be as patient as you!
Basically just spell it all out, make it as simple as you can for her and then you just have to trust she will take it from there.
It's hard, I know, but she has to learn to spread her own wings at some point.
Also, look into volunteering at local homeless shelters (her I mean, not you!) because nothing makes you appreciate what you have more than being confronted by people who have nothing, people who didn't have lovely patient parents to bail them out and hand them somewhere to live on a plate.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you find a way to resolve this because it sounds like you really need a break!