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I need some advice

(3 Posts)
change132 Tue 08-Nov-16 22:58:03

DS is 19 - did well in A levels - took gap year - wasted it but I wasn't too worried because he had a place at uni. He is now at uni - still living at home. I don't think he is sticking in. His friends are mainly friends he made on his gap year from working in a bar, they aren't going to uni. My question is how do I deal with this? I know many of you will tell me not to get involved, let him learn by mistakes etc but I am genuinely terrified he will drop out, not have a proper job and just do what he likes. I have talked to him - he either tells me to stop going on - if he was away I wouldn't know etc or he tells me all is good. I genuinely just want what's best for him. I'm also irritated he smokes but again don't know how to deal with this!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 08-Nov-16 23:04:50

Sticking in?

You can't do anything,he needs to sort his own life out.

Hard , especially the smoking.

LetitiaCropleysCookbook Tue 08-Nov-16 23:41:57

Why is he still at home - is it for financial reasons? I'm not sure that being at uni and living at home is always ideal, although it seems to work for some. It will definitely be more difficult for him to make new friends, if he isn't part of the social scene at uni, but if this doesn't seem to bother him why are you worried? He can't have been there very long. I would give it at least until Christmas, or even Easter, before picturing worst case scenarios based on nothing more than your anxiety that it might all go pear-shaped.

As for the smoking, I don't think there's much you can do, as he's an adult, and it isn't illegal. He's right about you not knowing if he was away. I think there are phases in teenage/parent relationships when a bit of distance isn't a bad thing!

I know it's really difficult, but try and take a step back. It's very early days, and he's probably still finding his feet. Hope for the best. Your fears may be groundless. And even if they're not, it won't be the end of the world. My dc dropped out of one uni half way through the 1st year, decided later to go to another one, and ended up graduating with a First, eventually! They've really got to find their own way.

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