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Helping older children to accept son's partner

(21 Posts)
unicornsprinkles Mon 07-Nov-16 13:45:31

My Daughter (25) is behaving badly towards my son's (23) GF. I'd appreciate opinions as I can't work out whether to handle the situation carefully and be sympathetic, or to tell my daughter to stop acting like a rude, spoiled brat (which I am on the verge of doing).
The situation - briefly: My daughter has her own flat and is single - she works long hours and is stressed most of the time. The GF is easy-going, kind and bubbly, and the relationship with my son is settled: they have been living together for 2 years.
The problem is that my daughter resents my son's GF: she expects the GF to not be invited to family gatherings, meals out, etc. If they are all at our house, my daughter will ignore the GF, turn her back on her and when she does reply, is snappy. We're unable to go out together because she will not tolerate her company. She says she does not like the GF being so 'full on' but all she is doing is being polite and sociable. If she got over herself, the GF could be a good friend - if my daughter would only stop being such a cow.
I've aimed to bring both my children up to be thoughtful and kind, they've been treated fairly. My son is laid back and there's never been any major problems between them. We are a small family, though we have friends and the kids are used to socialising with all age groups.
I realise she may be jealous, I realise she might feel her single status more keenly seeing them together. I have listened to her explanation that she thinks it's 'odd' that the GF sits in the same room as the rest of us (!!!) but she is pushing my patience to the limit. To date I have ignored her rudeness when it happens, and explained that the GF is part of the family now: that her brother's choice is fine with me -as any BF of hers would be. Has anyone else dealt with this situation successfully?

tribpot Mon 07-Nov-16 13:51:01

She's 25, not a teenager. I would tell her straight - either she behaves politely during family events or she stays away. Why the hell should your son's GF be made to feel unwelcome or like a second class citizen?

NerrSnerr Mon 07-Nov-16 13:56:21

I agree with tri, she is polite or isn't invited to gatherings. She doesn't have to like the girlfriend but I would expect her to be civil.

Leeds2 Tue 08-Nov-16 18:11:27

I think I would go out for dinner with DS and his GF, and leave DD at home. She is old enough to know better.

FeckinCrutches Tue 08-Nov-16 18:15:24

What happens when your daughter is rude to her when you're all together? Does your son step in and say something?

Meloncoley2 Tue 08-Nov-16 18:17:16

What does your DS make of the situation?

Meloncoley2 Tue 08-Nov-16 18:17:39

Cross posted!

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 08-Nov-16 18:18:36

I'd be telling her she's behaving like a rude, spoilt brat. Then do as pp said and go out with your DS and his GF. Carry on inviting the GF to family occasions. If your DD continues to have a problem with it she can always stay at home.

SoupDragon Tue 08-Nov-16 18:18:43

She's 25, not a teenager. I would tell her straight - either she behaves politely during family events or she stays away. Why the hell should your son's GF be made to feel unwelcome or like a second class citizen?

This, absolutely.

rollonthesummer Tue 08-Nov-16 18:19:05

Your daughter is behaving abysmally. I would say if she can't be pleasant to the GF then she won't be invited round for family occasions. I'm surprised you haven't said this already.

KondosSecretJunkRoom Tue 08-Nov-16 18:22:01

I'd tell your dd to sort herself out before your ds and his gf lose tolerance for this spoilt behaviour and it sours a lifetime of amicable family life.

Ilovenannyplum Tue 08-Nov-16 18:24:36

She needs to get over it. Leave her out until she can learn to be polite. It must be crappy for the GF who hasn't really done anything to deserve that behaviour.
Talk to your daughter and tell her enough is enough.

Also, why is this posted in teenagers if your children are 23 & 25?!

PurplePen Tue 08-Nov-16 18:25:03

You've ignored her rudeness?

Try telling her she's a rude stroppy little shit and you won't tolerate her nasty behaviour any more, so she can buck up or rule herself out of any further family gatherings.

Eevee77 Tue 08-Nov-16 18:25:16

I'd tell her to stop being so rude or she won't be welcome to family events.

Haffdonga Tue 08-Nov-16 18:25:33

If you want to maintain any sort of relationship with your ds, you need to tell your dd that you wont tolerate her behaviour. She needs to know that she doesn't 'win' your loyalty above her brother.

She sounds quite nasty, but could there be underlying issues? You hint at MH problems with the stress. Frankly even if she does have MH issues she needs a clear and assertive message from the whole family that bitchiness is not going to be tolerated.

rollonthesummer Tue 08-Nov-16 18:55:31

Why are you posting in teenagers?!

Horridhenryrules Tue 08-Nov-16 19:03:16

I think she posted here because that's how she's acting like a teenager.

SoupDragon Tue 08-Nov-16 19:16:03

I think she's posted in Teenagers because she's a first time poster.

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 08-Nov-16 20:49:54

If you in any way condone your DD's terrible behaviour you will have problems in your DS and GF relationship with you at a later stage.

Definitely tell her to get over herself and make sure the GF knows she has an ally in you.

OhtoblazeswithElvira Tue 08-Nov-16 20:57:24

Your 25yo DD thinks it's odd that a GF of two years sits with the rest of the family? That is so unreasonable, is there more to this?

I think you need to act now. Imagine threads on AIBU about your DD as the difficult SIL and you as the enabling MIL!

unicornsprinkles Tue 08-Nov-16 21:43:27

Much of it isn't blatant, and could be taken as her just being preoccupied. If it's noticeable to him he makes her laugh.

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