DS16 OBSESSED with GF to exclusion of everything else.

[dsinlove]

NC for this as DS knows I MN a lot and that I am worried about the situation.

DS is 16 and started 6 form in September. In July he met a lovely girl and they are at the same 6 form together, but do completely different subjects and have opposite timetables. He is absolutely besotted with her which is rather sweet. I really like her. She is bright and sociable and seems equally smitten with DS.

The problem really is this: DS whole life now revolves around GF and his contact with her. She lives about an hours drive away (6 form is equidistant from each of them) so they tend to spend a lot of time together after college, or staying over at each others houses.

I have limited GF staying to once a week and DS stays at hers about once a week too. I don't really have a problem with that. What I do have a problem with is that he just "doesn't have time" for college work any more and is getting seriously behind. He has one full day and one half day without lessons and should be using that time to catch up, but he spends that time hanging around college, waiting for snippets of contact with GF, or they go into town together for lunch/coffee.

Also, he has a PT job which he hasn't been going to and I am worried they will sack him or he will resign, as he says it interferes with his weekend time with the GF.

I have tried suggesting that the GF won't last long if he is thrown out of 6 form and has no job (equals no money for gigs/dinners etc) but he doesn't want to hear it.

Has anyone else been in this position? I am genuinely worried he is going to throw it all away...................

[noego]

Ahh puppy love. Those where the days......

An empathetic chat should suffice. He'll survive and he'll survive the break up as well when it comes.

[dsinlove]

I have had quite a few chats with him.

My concern is the shitty letters I am getting from the college about how he keeps skipping classes (to be with GF) and not handing in work, and the fact he may lose his job soon

[Footle]

Talk to the girlfriend. She may have quite strong views about qualifications leading to better life prospects.

[noego]

Isn't this part of life's tapestry. The more you push, the more you push him towards this girl. She un-be-knowingly offers him something. Something away from the everyday boredom he perceives he is living. Its what happens when love comes knocking. Can you remember when you fell in love?

[dsinlove]

That's really good advice footie The GF is very academic and I genuinely think if DS is chucked out of college that will be it for her. Maybe he hasn't told her the extent of the trouble he is in at college and at work, I hadn't considered that.

I will chat to her next time she is over, without making a special point of it. See if she is aware that he isn't doing work and is skipping loads of lessons. Hopefully if it is her telling him he's a bloody idiot rather than me, he might listen?

She definitely knows he hasn't been going to work so he can see her, and she must know about some of the skipped lessons, but I really don't think their relationship will last if he doesn't have money for fun/isn't at 6 form with her because he has been thrown out.

Of course it will be me picking up the pieces if he messes up - I just want him to realise how close he is to fucking it all up.

[Footle]

dsinlove, thanks for the thanks. I really think it's the best chance - hope it works.

[misshelena]

dsinlove, I know what you are talking about. Dd's bf (both 16yo) met about a year ago. For about 6 months, the bf cared about nothing other than dd. When they met, he was a straight A student, top athlete, and had a great group of friends. Then he fell for dd so hard, he couldn't focus on anything else. We watched him let go of his grades and his friends. He did stick to his sport because I think it was a stress outlet for him. It took him about 6 months but he eventually snapped out of it as their relationship stabilized.
I think it's fairly common, especially for boys, to lose focus at the earliest stage of his first serious relationship. But you want to help him snap out of it before he loses too much ground. Footle is right, definitely enlist the help of the gf. If gf cares about ds, she will take this concern seriously, as did my dd. Also enlist gf's mom. If ds is so in love, then he wants gf's mom to think highly of him, as did my dd's bf. So have the mom add her voice to yours and gf's. It'll happen, hopefully soon with all of you speaking in one voice.
Sounds like ds made a good choice in the gf :)) Now he just has to stay worthy of her!

[dsisinlove]

Thanks helena it's nice to know it's not just him! He just turned down an amazing extra curricular trip because he wants to spend the day with the GF, I am so frustrated.

I will speak to GF next time I see her, and the mum if the situation presents itself, I don't want to make it a special effort IYSWIM? Just bring it up in conversation and see where it leads.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Op- I am currently in EXACTLY your situation with my ds 16 and could have written your post, the only difference being that mine's girlfriend is at a different school, and he doesn't have a job. I don't even know why I am posting as cant give you advice, just wanted to say Here I am!

Like you I adore this girl- bright, sociable and kind. Definitely a good influence on ds were he not so obsessed he has to see her all the time to the detriment of his studying!

What also worries me is that as he has fallen so hard, what he will be like if/when she finishes it. Hope you don't mind me take me some of the advice here!

[TeenAndTween]

OP. I'm with you too. My DD gained a BF 1 month into college a year ago and we have been on a roller coaster ever since. Her whole focus is on him (they have even recently got engaged ). She is on phone/facebook to him every evening, no longer spends any real time with the rest of the family. Ambitions/drive have gone. Whole focus on future is to be with BF (no sensible discussions possible on jobs etc).