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Overreaction to dd(14) being missing for an hour in the dark with dead phone

(42 Posts)
DooWhop Sun 30-Oct-16 10:01:24

I did find her thanks to her friend but also discovered she'd refused a lift at a reasonable hour in daylight to stay in the park with 3 boys I've never heard of. She refused a lift from us as well and so I finally decided ok do it then clever clogs you find your own way home as she'd insisted she would.
Except it all turned sour at 7pm (way later than I'd let her out this time of year and I know we all have our own standards) when it became apparent her phone had died and I had no idea where she was (tracked via friend finder til then).
I had the rage and she had the cockiness which led to confiscation of all tech and grounding til I decide otherwise.

She has an IT gcse on Thursday so I was planning on after then earliest.

But am I over reacting? I've no benchmark other than my older dd who is now mid20s and who's parenting I didn't do too well at!

Friends kids aren't similar in age or they've not had this issue. I can see it escalating as she is boy mad although insists they are just all friends. We've had boyfriends who I welcome to our home but hear ransoms wanderer about boys we never get to meet!

Trills Sun 30-Oct-16 10:13:16

Had you told her what time you expected her home?

And was she home later than that?

ScarletOverkill Sun 30-Oct-16 10:15:22

I don't think 7pm is that late for a 14yo.
Had you agreed a time for her to be back?

DooWhop Sun 30-Oct-16 11:10:25

I'd said 5pm as it fitted in with meals and other things. She refused our lift and said she'd have her meal later and make her own way home. Her friends parents and I use similar guidelines and offered her a lift home slightly later when they arrived but she lied and said her dad was coming for her. So they felt safe leaving her behind at dusk.
I do realise timings are different for everyone but I feel that after dark with no phone or way of getting in touch and a good 2 miles from home, 7pm is too late.

As with most teens she's less streetwise than she thinks.

DooWhop Sun 30-Oct-16 11:11:02

I said ok to staying later than 5 but said home before it's dark at that stage knowing this would be 6pm absolute latest.

Balletgirlmum Sun 30-Oct-16 11:16:34

I have a 15 year old dd (year 10) & have gone ballistic at similar happening but it was at least in summer not after dark.

I don't think you are over reacting.

Meadows76 Sun 30-Oct-16 11:19:19

I can see why she is pushing the boundaries. She is 14 and tea time is incredibly early to have to be in at on a Saturday night.

traviata Sun 30-Oct-16 11:31:08

I agree with your boundaries. After dark in a park - no. Without a phone -definite no. Lying about having a lift - ultra no.
If at friend's house, 7pm would be ok if pre-agreed.

just a thought - won't she need tech stuff for her GCSE revision?

JustSpeakSense Sun 30-Oct-16 11:36:29

I don't think 7pm is Late for a 14 year old. I'm sorry I think you've overreacted and this may lead to more lying and sneaking around in the future.

Having her phone charged and not on silent is non negotiable though, letting it run out of charge is irresponsible. She should be made to understand how worried you were and this was selfish of her. I would say if she is not reachable on her phone then she is not allowed out again.

It's all about give and take, if you expect her to be honest and reliable, she should live up to that. And if she lives up to that, then you should loosen the reigns a bit for her, mutual respect and trust.

All so easy in theory, teenagers can be so tricky though smile good luck

Wigglewogglewoo Sun 30-Oct-16 11:58:28

7 is incredibly early for a 14 year old hmm

DooWhop Sun 30-Oct-16 12:05:25

I do allow her later IF phone charged and with friends or at a house. She was at parties til midnight thu and fri night but had lifts home from us and stayed over after the other.
I do realise 7pm is early but like traviata the combined circumstances are what led to this.
ive not set a limit to her on any of the consequences and when she eventually surfaces to see me we will discuss there concern I had and why as she wasn't listening last night.

She can access family tech with no issues.

I've just had her friend asking if I'll maintain her snapchat streaks hmmgrin

I did wonder if I was over reacting hence why post - thanks for the input I really do fear cocking up again - would like to get it right at least some of the time this time round grin

abbsismyhero Sun 30-Oct-16 12:08:21

In the park after dark with three boys?

I would have gone nuts too

I used to be in by the time it got dark its a standard surely? Unless other arrangements had been made

kali110 Sun 30-Oct-16 12:12:58

No yanbu at all. My parents would have gone mad. You must have been worried.

DooWhop Sun 30-Oct-16 12:14:23

grin I was calm for me. I was mindful that the rage was combined with relief she was ok yes even at an early hour! She was only 14 8weeks ago and it's her first demeanour after dark but she has some form for phone death and being "missing" but always with contactable friends.

Meadows76 Sun 30-Oct-16 12:21:19

In the park after dark with three boys omg what's the problem with that? Do boys turn in to sex pests after dark or something confused

We are talking about a 14yo not a 4yo. Surely it's dark when they come home from school in winter? What's the massive deal about the dark? Wouldnt it be better to teach them how to keep their wits about them when it's dark rather than not allow them out?

TheDivineMrsCampbellBlack Sun 30-Oct-16 12:28:44

You're not over reacting, you had an agreement (didn't you?) and she didn't stick to it.

Park with boys at 14 is a recipe for disaster IMO

She may be hoping you'll come down hard on her and so it doesn't become her decision tbh.

Meadows76 Sun 30-Oct-16 12:31:36

Park with boys at 14 is a recipe for disaster IMO why?

TheDivineMrsCampbellBlack Sun 30-Oct-16 12:34:06

I also think though if you had a chat to her and asked "what do you think I should have done?" You might get some honesty. Or bizarrely, the GROW coaching technique has worked well with my teens in the past. So ask

What was your goal? (G) 'to stay in the park'
What was the reality (R) 'you'd have made me come home if you'd have known where I was'
What were your Options? (O) 'lie, tell you, come home etc'
What (W) will you do differently next time? 'Call you / keep phone charged'

TheDivineMrsCampbellBlack Sun 30-Oct-16 12:35:14

Because teenage boys can be predatory.

Meadows76 Sun 30-Oct-16 12:36:37

Because teenage boys can be predatory. oh FFS

TheDivineMrsCampbellBlack Sun 30-Oct-16 12:36:51

And I speak as someone who was preyed upon by teenage boys when I was 14 and as the mother of teenage boys and girls.

insancerre Sun 30-Oct-16 12:37:06

7pm is too early for a 14 year old
Dd had a 10pm curfew at that age

TheDivineMrsCampbellBlack Sun 30-Oct-16 12:37:30

I don't care if you don't agree with me meadows, ffs yourself.

TheDivineMrsCampbellBlack Sun 30-Oct-16 12:39:09

Anyway op, good luck, teenagers are lovely but also challenging!

Fully charged phone is non negotiable in my house.

Meadows76 Sun 30-Oct-16 12:40:42

I don't care if you don't agree with me meadows, ffs yourself.. You are essentially suggesting teenage girls should not be allowed to have a life because teenage boys may attack them. Get into the real world where actually there are lots of fucking lovely teenage boys who wouldn't hurt a fly. In fact the good people generally in this world far outweigh the bad. How about we teach our teenagers (both genders) how to stay safe and enjoy themselves too. I have a teen DD an teen DS and it saddens me to think anyone would not trust my boy 'in the dark' with a girl.

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