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19 yr old DS suddenly going off the rails(6 Posts)
Hope I can get pearls of wisdom from mumsnetters. We are a family unit - DH, DD and myself. DS, 19, has always been very laid back, kind and considerate, but also very lazy when it comes to college work and any chores round the house etc. Has been very frustrating at times as he is bright but despite our constant pushing of him over the last couple of years to work hard at college and sort out what he wants to do for a job etc, it's been like pulling teeth! He finished college this year and I really think he just doesn't want to work at all - just wants to hang out with mates and play on PlayStation. I've told him not working isn't an option. His dad is a decorator and we got him an apprenticeship one day a week at college and the other four days working with his dad getting an apprenticeship wage. We thought this would be ideal as he can be socially awkward at times with other people, plus it could be something to do whilst he decides what he really wants to do, although he appears not to have a clue what job he'd like to do. He's been doing the apprenticeship for a month and has been working mostly well. Two weeks ago he walked off a job he was doing midway stating it was because his dad had raised his voice etc. Disappeared for two days to a friend's, switched off his phone, refused to get in touch. I managed to reach him through his friend and begged him to come home as I had guilt about his dad shouting at him (it was because he had been on PlayStation until 3am the previous night, so was not working properly - too tired, so DH flipped with him). He came home, we discussed it was out of order to just up and leave like that, he kind of agreed, and everything was okay; he's been working okay this last week. His dad left him doing a job yesterday morning whilst he went to get supplies, but when DH returned DS had walked out, apparently to hang out with friends, again, but this time nothing had lead up to this, so clearly he had gone just because he wanted to. Again we have not heard from him and he won't answer his phone, and we haven't seen him since yesterday morning. I'm absolutely fed up wth it. DH is obviously spitting feathers as he has had to work today to pick up the slack from yesterday. What should i do? He's very non confrontational, in that he will not argue, so getting mad at him is not going to have any effect other than to make him play the victim. DH no longer wants to work with him, so he needs to find a job too. He apparently came home early hours of this morning To pick up his toothbrush and clean clothes whilst we were all in bed. Not sure when he intends coming home, and what we should do when he does? I'm very protective of him, and i just can't bring myself to go in too hard with him, but DH thinks I am too soft and we need to set clear rules as he is an adult, and that he needs to agree to live by our rules, or leave.
He needs to learn to fend for himself...maybe he needs to move out and learn how it works in real life?
If he continues to work with your DH I'd say there's a very high chance that things will get to the point where they are irreparable.
I'd sit him down and say that it obviously isn't working. Can it stop immediately or is your DH relying on him to finish off some work?
Then I'd give him a month to find something else , either work or study or move out. I'd also give him a list of chores that he has to do if he wants to continue living at home.
He is being very disrespectful
Maybe he'd do better working for someone other than his Dad? That may be part of the problem - he thinks he can get away with it because it's dear old dad.
Is he using weed? This sounds so like my brother when he was that age and smoking a lot of the stuff.
He came home this morning, and basically stood there while I had a rant at him. He gave a half hearted apology, but stated he has decided he no longer wants to do the apprenticeship as he finds it 'tedious'. I said I would rather he continue with it until he gets something else, but he has said he won't do that. States he will print off CV's and visit our local town on Monday, but I doubt that will happen as he struggles to get out of bed until after lunch when not working, and as the rest of the household holds down full time work, we wouldn't be able to check that's what he's doing anyway. He's disappeared upstairs (looks terrible) to bed I presume. I've looked online at the job site, and picked out a few jobs which he could do and will let him have a couple of hours sleep before getting him up and going through them with him. I'm determined to not make it easy for him today, so he will see it's not a case of him just giving up the apprenticeship and dossing about the house this week. Firsttimer; I have wondered about the weed thing, as he has admitted before that some of his friends smoke it, but was adamant he doesn't. But all this bad behaviour seems to have kicked off since he started the apprenticeship, when he has started getting a wage (didn't have part time work when at college and just had a very small weekly allowance of £15), so I'm wondering if now he is getting more income whether he is spending it on weed. I really hope not, as that would be yet something else to confront, which I'm sure he will deny. I had problems with my DD when she was 14/15, but she is now 23 and came through it, settled with a great job by the time she was 18, and I'm so proud of her now, so I thought I'd come through DS's teen years unscathed as I've had no real problems with him prior to now. I obviously was prematurely smug about that one! Thank you so much for your advice. It really helps to get an outside perspective; sometimes easier looking from the outside rather that from a mum who might be behaving too softly with him. DH is fed up of the whole situation as he needs to find someone else now for the apprenticeship thing, and although I've asked if he will sit down and have a discussion with DS, he refuses as says DS has made his decision, and he won't 'beg' him to change his mind.
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