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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

I've been assaulted by my dds

29 replies

Papergirl1968 · 16/10/2016 23:53

For the last month my dd, aged 15 and 12, have been completely out of control. They've been running away most evenings and have become increasingly aggressive, kicking and hitting me. They have also been involved in anti social behaviour.
Tonight we had a meal out with my mom. While I was seeing her safely into her house - she's 83 - they ran off again. Found them and to cut a long story very short, took my oldest by the wrist to get her back into the car. The youngest pushed me over - I'm a big woman so she must have caught me off balance - and the oldest then kicked me couple of times as I lay on the floor.
I called the police who brought them home and gave them a good telling off but wouldn't arrest them. Police are returning to deal with them later in the week as they are now off duty for a few days.
I've got cuts and bruises and my neck and back are sore.
We already go to Camhs, and have social services involved and have had numerous contact with the police over the last month.
What do I do? What the hell do I do? They are adopted - have had them seven years - but I'm posting here rather than in adoption as that mainly seems to be about introductions, letterbox contact etc.
I've been reading another thread tonight where a parent has come under fire for saying she dislikes her teenage dd. I love my two but I'm beginning to hate them too. I don't know if we have a future but we can't carry on like this.

OP posts:

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Papergirl1968 · 16/10/2016 23:56

Sorry, I dont even know what I'm asking. I guess if anyone has experience of being attacked by their kids.
I'm off to bed but will check back in tomorrow.

OP posts:

VagueButExcitlng · 16/10/2016 23:57

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

I'm no expert but I am a foster carer so I have some understanding of the impact of early trauma.

I would strongly advise you to post in the adoption forum. There are some very wise posters there who will be better placed to support you.

Good luck

ZuleikaDobson · 16/10/2016 23:58

Can you go to social services and emphasise that you need help urgently if the family unit isn't going to break down? Would it help to have respite care and for them to organise something like counselling for your daughters?

BurningBridges · 17/10/2016 00:00

Do you still have a social worker or post adoption worker you can contact for support or has that all finished now? Have you previously had a good relationship or has something happened to change it? Hope you are ok OP

neolara · 17/10/2016 00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you. Sounds awful. Do you have any post adoption support? Or specialist advice from people who know about attachment issues? My (very basic) understanding is that adopted kids may have particular issues due to difficult early lives that makes bog standard counselling / therapy not terribly effective. They and you may need more specialist support. It may be worth posting this in the adoption section for more experienced advice.

Papergirl1968 · 17/10/2016 19:40

I'm coming out in bruises all over.
They started again at dance class, one kicking me and one hitting me, before running off. I phoned children's services and said I couldn't take this any more and they needed to find them somewhere tonight. They've phoned back to say there isn't a place available.
Family and friends wont have them so I have no idea what's going to happen if or when they turn up at home.
I have a post adoption support social worker who is on leave this week, we all go to camhs, and the family intervention team have been involved, although nobody is offering any respite or other practical help.
They've always been challenging kids but behaviour massively deteriorated about a month ago for no apparent reason.
Thanks, everyone.

OP posts:

9troubledwaters · 17/10/2016 19:45

RNBrie · 17/10/2016 21:23

I have no advice to offer you OP, I know we don't do hugs on mumsnet but you can have one anyway.

Do you have a partner in all of this or are you coping alone? I think I'd call the police again if they turn up tonight as they've assaulted you again. Do you know where they go when they run off?

Bigfatnope · 17/10/2016 21:26

No advice sorry but i hope your situation gets better, sounds very stressful for you

SealSong · 17/10/2016 21:27

Are they back home now or still missing? Did you report them missing to the police?
Sorry you are going through this.

ImperialBlether · 17/10/2016 21:28

How's it going, OP? You have such a difficult situation there.

PotteringAlong · 17/10/2016 21:31

If they're not back then you need to report them missing to the police.

Rachie1986 · 17/10/2016 21:32

No advice but lots of unmumsnet hugs to you

OurMiracle1106 · 17/10/2016 21:34

Speak with the adoption support service, there will be someone who can help in your normal workers absence for cases like this. Speak with social services.

It may also be worth checking their Facebook and phones to see if they have had any contact from birth family which could have been a catalyst of their behaviour.

May also be worth speaking with the school as well.

SoTheySentMeA · 17/10/2016 21:38

Are they home yet OP? I wish I had some advice for you, this must be so awful. Keep posting if it helps, vent all you need.

Papergirl1968 · 17/10/2016 21:54

Thank you. You are all so lovely. Someone who was in a similar situation sent me a pm.
The police brought them home about 8pm. They had hung around the church hall where the dance class is and the teacher had taken them home with her.
Both police and children's services are adamant there's nowhere for them to go tonight. I'll try again tomorrow.
School are really supportive as have the police been - apart from the two officers who watched me being kicked across the room a week or two ago, suggested I'd provoked it by getting too close to oldest dd, and then recorded it in their report as mutual pushing and shoving!
I will definitely check re contact with birth family as one of the police officers the other mentioned that they seemed to know a lot about their brothers considering they hadn't seen them for eight years...that's making me wonder now.

OP posts:

RNBrie · 17/10/2016 23:00

Well done OP. You're doing amazingly well in shit circumstances. Stay strong. I hope you get to the bottom of whatever it is that has thrown your girls off kilter and you can get them the help they need

Ledkr · 17/10/2016 23:20

Op have you had an assessment of need?
You are entitled to one and of its decided that the children need therapy (or you) the adoption support fund can pay up to five thousand per year for it.
From the sounds of it you would benefit from NVR which is very good for child to adult violence and can be used carefully for adopted faniles

ImperialBlether · 17/10/2016 23:33

Can you check their social media, with regard to their birth family?

AnthonyPandy · 18/10/2016 00:00

I don't know anything about adoptions or the processes that go with it, but I just thought I would mention this just in case - you say there is a possibility they have been in touch with birth family, are the birth family allowed to be in touch with them? Are they breaking any rules by being in touch with vulnerable children?

Papergirl1968 · 18/10/2016 22:11

I haven't had a recent assessment of need, but I think I had one in the early days of the adoption, as a result of which I got an adoption allowance paid by the placing authority - we live in a neighbouring authority. We go to cahms already though so i don't think we need more therapy as such although I would like the kids to see a psychiatrist and will ask about this again when we go to cahms tomorrow. Some family therapy might be useful too.
Adoption UK are going to talk through NVR with me - Ss are funding me having telephone sessions with one of their counsellors.
Ive checked my dd's Facebook accounts and can't see anything on there from birth family, but will stay vigilant. Contact has to be letterbox only. I don't know what would happen if they had been in direct contact...interesting question.
I've been to the gp today with tenderness to my side and she doesn't think I've broken a rib but isn't ruling it out do I've got to go back in a couple of weeks if still painful. At least my injuries are documented now. I've also got photos of my cuts and bruises and am compiling a log of all the incidents over the last month - thank goodness I've got texts and emails to jog my memory with dates and times.
And the kids have run off tonight and not come back yet so I guess I'd better ring the police and report them missing...

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 18/10/2016 22:16

Absolutely no help here whatsoever OP but wanted to add a voice of support.

I could put up with just about anything, but violence is an absolute no-no.

BertieBotts · 18/10/2016 22:45

It's difficult with this age because of course social media was in its infancy when they were being placed. It's just too easy for them to get in touch with birth families and it really doesn't end well for anyone unfortunately. SIL had a lot of issues with this a few years ago.

Is there any way they have secret extra facebook accounts or are possibly using other apps like snapchat to contact? Or are just looking at the profiles without actually being friends to get this info? Lots of people have totally open facebook with no privacy settings.

Papergirl1968 · 19/10/2016 21:42

They were out all night. It turns out they spent most of the night on the patio furniture of a pub, and the rest in a bus shelter. Found them about 10am after various sightings but they still ran off until the police turned up, separated them and got them to school. They were so defiant and seemed to think it was all a huge joke.
They ran off again after school, youngest dd dressed only in pyjamas, but were persuaded to come home about 7pm. Such a relief knowing they are safe and warm.
I'm going to do a lot of extra digging into social media accounts. Although they haven't made any effort to get to where birth family live, which is a few miles away.
We're going to have to do a lot of work to restablish trust and rebuild our relationship.

OP posts:

Ledkr · 20/10/2016 08:32

Op the adoption support fund will fund more adoption focussed therapies.
NVR looks specifically at child to adult violence. I think adoption uk were who trained me so I'm glad you are going to talk to them.
I think it's brilliant and whilst I haven't adopted I did have one very difficult boy who it would have really benefitted from it and I've seen how effective it can be.
Good luck

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