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How on earth do I deal with this?

8 replies

JudithH · 12/10/2016 13:32

It's been a bit turbulent over the last few months. And now I've found my DS in bed with his cousin. Apparently this has been off-and-on since they were 12. There is a geographical distance but I can't believe this has been going on. I thought things were getting sorted, on a more even keel. I don't even know if this is a police matter. And I haven't mentioned it to my brother-in-law yet.

I don't know how to handle this.

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cdtaylornats · 12/10/2016 13:49

If they are close in age the police probably wont care. There would be a slight genetic risk if the cousin was to become pregnant. A lot depends on the ages.

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SheldonsSpot · 12/10/2016 13:51

How old is your DS now? How old is his cousin?

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MoonfaceAndSilky · 12/10/2016 13:51

How old are they?

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JudithH · 12/10/2016 13:56

They are both 17 now. No chance of pregnancy - they are both boys.
OK I have a habit of panicking about things at the moment. You should be grateful I've only just found my MN username again.

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SheldonsSpot · 12/10/2016 14:18

I don't think there really is anything to 'deal with'.

A conversation with your DS (if you haven't already had one AGES ago) or a refresher about consent, respect and safe sex should just about cover it.

What's the issue with BIL - is it that they're cousins, or that he doesn't know his son is gay, or both?

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JudithH · 12/10/2016 14:33

Thanks all.
Yes we've had many conversations in recent months. He is as "safe" as I can persuade him.

My nephew is also "out" but it was the fact that they are first cousins that made be concerned.

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Otherpeoplesteens · 12/10/2016 17:54

Whether there is something to 'deal with' rather depends on the nature of the relationship between them.

The uncomfortable truth is that it is far from unusual for adolescent boys to fool around together between the ages you describe, and far from unusual between cousins too. Most boys grow out of the friends-with-benefits arrangement when they start dating properly - be it with the same or opposite sex - or when they get worried about knowledge of it getting out, but others will continue until they start getting regular sex from romantic partners or even beyond. Their being cousins gives almost an extra incentive to be discreet and not let it get out at school etc, although the distance presumably also removes most opportunities.

The fact that they are cousins does NOT make it a police matter - in the UK it's completely legal between first cousins. There's no age difference, so as long as they both have the mental capacity to consent and there's no element of coercion I wouldn't worry about a knock on the door from the police at all.

If you're satisfied that they are safe, it's all consensual, and it's just a case that they've been fooling around because the other one is convenient and are still doing so, I'd butt out and learn to make a lot of noise when approaching the door.

If they are romantically attracted to each other, that's a different kettle of fish. Like I said above it's not illegal, but most people would find it a bit icky at the very best and you'd need to have an honest conversation with your son about what the rest of society would think if their relationship became public knowledge.

As for BIL - you know him and your family dynamics best. For me, whether to tell him depends on what the boys' relationship is and - more importantly - where it's heading.