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Can anyone make any sense of this situation?

(12 Posts)
Cygnet44 Mon 10-Oct-16 15:21:58

Long story cut very short. My OH has two DC from previous marriage, which broke down after 28 years because of his exW alcoholism and generally controlling/abusive nature. DS is 20 and DD is 14. Until recently both DC lived with my OH; the DS chose to after his parents separated and the DD after her mother physically assaulted her and became regularly verbally abusive. In June this year my OH's ExW verbally assaulted all of us in a local supermarket and physically assaulted my OH at the same time, all in front of her DC! She was arrested, went to court and ended up with a 2 year conditional discharge. My OH hasn't heard a peep from her since, she ignores him in the street. They've never really communicated anyway since the divorce.

My OH's DD is a typical teenager; spent a lot of time in her room and rarely communicated unless she wanted something.
At the end of the school holidays this August, she went to stay for a couple of days with her mother, who has now settled into a rented house after sofa surfing for months. DD has not returned home to my OH since. It turns out DD's mother is down with the school, as her permanent residence, where before the holidays it was my OH.

DD hasn't bothered to come and talk to her Dad about the situation; that she wants to live with her mother, she hasn't visited, she rarely responds to text messages and won't answer the phone to him. He invited her a tea a couple of weeks ago, she accepted and then the day before she cancelled saying her mother's family were visiting (the didn't want to know either DC after the split). He invited her out for lunch yesterday and no reply. He always texts her good morning and good night, but no response.
It's almost like she doesn't want to know him anymore, has just cut him off and this upsets my OH tremendously.
For the last 18 months he has ensured that both his DC have a happy, stable home life, haven't gone without anything, he cooked/cleaned and sorted out all school related stuff for his DD.

I also cannot make sense of this situation; I know it's not my business directly and I wouldn't get involved, however it upsets me that this is happening and I'd like to be able to support my OH through this. I've always had a good relationship with both DC so it's a little upsetting to me too.

Can anyone actually relate to this at all? confused sad

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LilQueenie Mon 10-Oct-16 15:25:19

you said it yourself in the first line her mother is controlling and abusive. I would be getting someone involved to ensure your DSD is not being manipulated which I think she is.

Cygnet44 Mon 10-Oct-16 16:54:42

Thanks for your reply LilQueenie. Social Services were involved after the physical assault on DD as were the police, who never prosecuted although there was clear evidence. They attended the scene after dd called 999. To be honest SS weren't very helpful at all and never followed up on things they said they would do. They cancelled 2 appointments, 1 without any notice and have never been in contact with DH since. I'm afraid he has lost all faith in the 'system.' I will attempt to convince him to try again.

I also feel that the ExW is being manipulative. I do feel that DD wouldn't hesitate to call for help if her mother attempted anything like it again and she would probably call her dad too. However, if she is being emotionally manipulated it's a tough thing to evidence unless DD is willing say. I personally feel she is desperate for a 'normal' relationship with her mother and this is why she is behaving like she is.

OP’s posts: |
Meloncoley2 Mon 10-Oct-16 20:39:54

You may be right with your last sentence OP. How long have you and OH been together? any possibility that has upset her relationship with her Dad?

Cygnet44 Tue 11-Oct-16 14:13:10

Hi Meloncoley2
We have been together for 2 years, however I wasn't introduced to OH's DC until May last year. I've always got on well with both of them, there's never been any issues in that respect. We invite both of them out for dinner/lunch/trips out/cinema/watch a film together. I've cooked for them, which they like etc. I took DD to London for the day last August, just the two of us and we had a nice day.
DD has never expressed to her dad that's there's an issue with him having a relationship and I know she wouldn't be backwards in coming forwards.
I really do feel this is connected to her mother and her behaviour, however I can't understand why DD would cut off from her dad when he has been the one to always pick up the pieces and ensure she has a stable environment. I find it all very sad sad

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Angelto5 Tue 11-Oct-16 14:20:49

Have no personal experience of this situation myself OP but has your dh contacted the school to see how his dd is doing seeing as she is ignoring his calls/texts?

daisychain01 Tue 11-Oct-16 16:46:49

Only a theory, but could your DSD feel a deep sense of loyalty for her mum who has gone through a lot in recent years and sees her as vulnerable, and in need of her support, whereas your DH is settled with you. She sounds like she's very alone.

A child often gravitates towards to most needy parent, through feelings of duty.

Cygnet44 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:28:42

Thanks all
Angelto5 yes my OH does keep in contact with the school and is sent copies of DD's academic reviews. I'm not sure he is given much detail though. The school are aware of the situation and would contact my OH if there was a serious concern.

daisychain01 yes I'm sure that this is the case, coupled with the longing for a 'normal' mother/daughter relationship. The bit I can't get my head around is at the expense of shutting out your dad, who has been there to pick up the pieces and ensure a stable environment.

I don't live with my OH, our relationship is 2 years old and neither of us are in a hurry to live together but we see each other regularly.

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Pestilence13610 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:38:05

Sounds rather as if she has appointed herself as Mummy's carer.
Get OH to chase the school and ensure she is getting pastoral support from them.
She is secure that your OH loves her so she can reject him whilst she sorts mum out. Is DS talking to her? Is she seeing her friends?

drinkyourmilk Wed 12-Oct-16 17:43:10

I was going to suggest that her brother contacts her and ensues everything is OK, but pp beat me to it.

daisychain01 Wed 12-Oct-16 18:31:39

In a nutshell your exact situation is what we are going through... And yes it can involve cutting out the parent if they are portrayed as "the enemy" by the ex, even if the parent is kindness personified....

Cygnet44 Thu 13-Oct-16 09:25:38

Pestilence thank you I believe you could be right there. Yes DS does visit his mother occasionally and sees his sister. When my OH asks DS if DD is ok, he gets a 'I think so'. I'm sure that DS would raise the alarm if he thought things weren't right, he's quite forthcoming in that respect.
I will suggest to OH to contact the school and ensure his DD's welfare is being looked after. They do know the history. I'm not sure if DD still sees her friends outside of school. She's now living in a village which is quite remote for a 14yo to get into town and I know from previous situations that her mother won't always take her where she wants to go; part of that is because she's been drinking, but also it's her way of having control. I also know it's unlikely she would allow sleepovers etc. where my OH was very accommodating in that respect. It's all so sad
Daisychain01 I don't doubt at all that Oh's ExW is portraying him as the enemy, it's so sad that his DD has to go through this sad

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