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Should my 18yr old daughter contribute?

(13 Posts)
Poppy39 Fri 23-Sep-16 18:35:52

Hi everyone. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this as I am coming up against a very angry teenager. My daughter attends college 3 days a week and works in a shop part time too. She earns a few hundred pounds a month and spends all of this on clothes and going out. Me and my partner both work time and have always provided her with everything she needs (and more). I now see that I have probably spoiled her. We don't ask for anything in return except that she keeps her room tidy and a couple of small jobs around the home once a week. Lately she has decided that she doesn't want to go to uni next year. She thinks it's much too much work. She is so lazy and rude and since turning 18 thinks she can do what she wants and talk to me and my partner however she wants. I have told her that if she doesn't go to uni she will need to get a full time job and start contributing financially to the household. She is OUTRAGED! She says none of her friends parents would ask for money and as she is my child I should want to provide for her. She has told me she will move out if I ask for any money.

I haven't even said how much I would like. I am just upset that she doesn't want to pay her way. What do you think? I feel gutted that she is just wanting to sponge off me and wonder where did I go wrong?? 😥

NoahVale Fri 23-Sep-16 18:54:51

well, of course she shoudl do something.
can you have a calm discussion.
not aobut the money.

if she doesnt want to go to uni does she want to train?
and if she Wants to work full time and Not train, then of course she needs to put some money into the household, but make the money a lesser issue than the training. does she want to do shop work?

AnyFucker Fri 23-Sep-16 18:58:52

If she does not continue in education then of course she should get a FT job and contribute

Let her move out if she does not. See how she likes them apples

I can't say my own dd was very happy at being told she would be paying her way. She knows she won't get such a good deal elsewhere so pay she does. We keep it minimal, but we insist on it.

roundandroundthehouses Fri 23-Sep-16 19:03:33

You must feel very hurt, but many 18 yr olds still have a lot of growing up to do. They have to do it, though - so really don't back down on this. She can't have it both ways - being supported like a child whilst having the rights of an adult. My dd1 is about to turn 18 and I'll keep supporting her financially while she's at school, as you are doing with your dd at college. Dd1 does want to go to uni, but knows that if she didn't go I'd be expecting her to contribute.

Continue to insist on this. She will argue that black is white, but if you don't back down there are several ways that it could work out well:

- She might decide that the 'excessive work' of uni is in fact worth it after all
- or (however grudgingly) agree to pay you some keep (and you insist that she sticks to her promise
- or fulfil her threat to move out, which could be the making of her
- or move out, realise how easy she had it and come back with a new appreciation of all you do for her and a willingness to pay for her keep

She obviously isn't thinking logically anyway, or is trying to emotionally manipulate you into backing down. Who in their right mind would turn down your very reasonable terms in favour of entirely supporting themselves and spending all their money on rent and bargain noodles?

Poppy39 Fri 23-Sep-16 19:23:50

Thanks for this advice. This is good to hear. It may seem obvious but it's hard when the emotional manipulation is coming thick and fast and I start to doubt myself. I'm surprised at how selfish she is. My friend's daughter's seem so much more caring!

AnyFucker Fri 23-Sep-16 19:46:22

My daughter is selfish too even though she has definitely not been brought up that way. She is nearly 21 now and definitely improving for the best

A couple of years ago she would argue black is white and have you doubting yourself...think I have taught her (too) well wink

Stick to your guns. No one deserves a free ride in life and to allow it does no one any favours at all

We ask for £100 month which is laughable really but it's the principle. She still has a lot of disposable income and these days is out of the house more than she is in it

But she knows there is always warmth, a clean bed, food and comfort here. Much more than she could source anywhere else for that kind of money.

Florida41 Fri 23-Sep-16 20:04:35

yes she should contributed to the house .
my 21 works FT and gives me £200 a month
my 17 works Pt and is still at collage but gives me £20 a month .
they still have plenty of money left over and do not spend much at all , they save most of it ,
I think it's all about growing up and taking responsibility for
theirselfs .
my kids know that they could not move out for that amount of rent .
they also have nice holidays payed for by us, takeaways , cinema trips if we go as a family , meals cooked ,washing done ect
but they understand that bills made (eg electric) have to be payed for .
so I think they have got it good .
when I was 16 and on YTS and took home £27 I gave my mum £5 .
I feel it teaches you a good life lesson and for the future on how to manage your money and pay your bills first before you blow the lot.

19lottie82 Fri 23-Sep-16 21:14:18

Of course she should.

My personal opinion is, if they're studying and working PT then no contribution (if you can afford it that is).

But if they are working FT, then of course they should chip in. No matter if you need the money or not. Why shouldn't they?
Even if you put the money in a secret savings account for a house deposit down the line or something....

alltouchedout Fri 23-Sep-16 21:30:02

So, let her move out. Either she'll realise the costs involved and change her mind, or she'll decide it's a great idea and go ahead, and you can have a relationship without this resentment.

ImperialBlether Fri 23-Sep-16 21:42:17

Call her bluff. Let her look for a flat (she's old enough - if she was going to university she'd be looking at somewhere to live) and watch her face as she costs it all out...

AcrossthePond55 Fri 23-Sep-16 21:59:35

My sons were 'free at home' as long as they were F/T in school. We preferred that they work for 'fun money' only and concentrate on grades. But once they were out of school they were expected to contribute to the household. If working, it's a 'cash' contribution + separate purchase of food (depending on their earnings). If they were between jobs, it was 'in kind' contribution based on an hourly wage to equal a monetary amount. (we have acreage and an old house so there's always plenty of work needing doing).

Tell your daughter where the door is and hand her the rental listings. She'll backpedal fast enough!

GasLightShining Fri 23-Sep-16 23:48:56

Here the rules were if you were in full time education we would support you. This meant no keep was charged and I paid for mobile phone and bus pass. Their part-time earnings were for them to spend as they wished

My DD decided not to go to university and just carried on working where she was already. At this point keep was to paid and I made her sick to this. She was only part-time and she paid me £10 per week on earning of about £100 per week.

She is 21 now and pay £30 per week by standing order to (her decision to set this up). Absolute bargain and now she has a boyfriend who rents I think she appreciates how hard it is.

I do her washing and ironing as well. I know some of you will be horrified about this but if we make her do her own washing the washing machine would be on for one pair of trousers and most things nowadays don;t need ironing so it is only a few things.

Anyfucker is spot on with her post. My DD is selfish but also knows which side her bread is buttered. She takes home about the same as me (albeit for more hours) and has a lot less outgoings so her life ain't that bad!

The other point which I don't know whether it applies to you is that some families lose a lot of tax credits when a child finishes education. I only lost £40 child benefit but I was talking to a friend this week and she was telling me about losing £80 tax credit as well as the child benefit. That is one hell of a hit

Poppy39 Sat 24-Sep-16 10:53:30

Some good ideas there. Thanks. I don't get tax credits but will lose out on child benefit which is another consideration. It's so reassuring to hear that I'm not the ogre I'm being made out to be!

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