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I just don't know what to do.

(13 Posts)
HereIAm20 Fri 23-Sep-16 17:11:35

DS has been roof running again despite various punishments, various discussions about dangers (death or serious injury), various discussions about limiting options for careers if he gets a caution or criminal record as although wiped as criminal records at 18 they still show on enhanced DBS checks and could thus prevent him entering some careers.

At the end of my tether and don't know how to deal with it now. The school have contacted me to let me know they are aware of this further incident. Apparently teenagers can't even just do something naughty or dangerous now they have to show off to all their mates about it and it gets back to teachers etc.

Have been called by head of year and they are going to speak to him on Monday and then us! any advice as to how I can keep my sh*t together and not just blow up/cry/all the other emotions??

GasLightShining Sat 24-Sep-16 00:07:22

At one point my DS (whos was under 16 at the time) was thinking of teaching as a career and I was very aware of sexting and sending pictures could lead to ending up on the sex offenders register. I made a big deal about this with him.

Personally I would want to speak to the school prior to them speaking to your DS so between you it can be dealt with - perhaps they can push the point of today's actions can affect tomorrow's opportunities.

I am so sorry that I don't know what else to suggest but (although I wouldn't say it to your DS and someone may come on to contradict me but in my area the following applies) is that this would show up on a DBS check but it is up to the organisation whether to take it into consideration. For example if you are applying for some kind of finance job where fraud is more of a concern the fact you were caught roof running might not be a problem.

lljkk Sat 24-Sep-16 08:09:43

Sounds like the scaremongering is going to backfire... Something like 1/3 adult men in UK have a criminal record. Vast majority have decent jobs.

Maybe more importantly he could fall off and break a leg. Plus a lot of his peers will think he's a 100% prat to be roof-running. They say that kids with

* good self esteem
* high aspiration

are the ones who decide not to be criminal/get pregnant/use drugs. Can you work on those areas, gently talk to him about how he deserves to be a person who has better things to do with their time besides muck about on buildings, risking breaking his neck?

Peebles1 Sat 24-Sep-16 11:23:23

No experience but just a thought - he's obviously a thrill seeker. Maybe work with him on that - find something safer to channel it into. Indoor rock climbing (we did this with our DSs - a lot lot younger mind - coz they climbed EVERYTHING), those rope courses high in trees, quad biking ?? Don't know really, but something to get his adrenaline pumping but safely. It'll mean money and time for you, but better than death or injury. He'll think he's invincible, whatever you all say. Also, my suggestions won't give him the 'looking cool in front of mates' kick, so may be totally useless. But just a suggestion. I just feel sometimes that totally forbidding it and telling them the dangers doesn't work, whereas if you say 'ok what is it about it you like. What can we do to satisfy both of us' etc etc - listen to him, really - it might be more effective. Bet you've already done all this - sorry! Don't mean to sound patronising.

RJnomore1 Sat 24-Sep-16 11:29:08

Can you find a parkour coach near you?

Sounds counter intuitive but they are all about safety and tend to be pretty cool guys to boot. One of them would read him the riot act about putting himself at risk and he might just listen to him.

lljkk Sat 24-Sep-16 13:05:15

Those are good thoughts.

Surfing, BMX-racing or BMX-stunts, skateboarding, rock climbing, Go Ape, abseiling, go cart racing, all good opportunities for thrills without crossing illegal lines.

Cadets, ime, do a lot of the right stuff. Shooting, night hikes, abseiling, fieldcraft, laser tag, flying. In ways that also emphasise responsibility & respect.

HereIAm20 Sat 24-Sep-16 14:26:53

Thanks for everyone's advice. I'm going to get a friend who is a neurosurgeon have a word with him too. I have spoken with the Head of Year and think it will be further discussion of safety and crime issues. Feel a bit calmer now but still not convinced DS appreciates he could die, be brain injured or physically disabled.

HereIAm20 Sat 24-Sep-16 14:32:07

He has good self esteem and high aspirations as he is at a very selective school and therefore should have the intelligence to know that fslling from height would do serious damage. Unfortunately rather than being seen as a prat - which he is - it has elevated his cool status sad

lljkk Sat 24-Sep-16 14:40:21

If he had genuine good self esteem, he wouldn't enjoy attention seeking by doing something so reckless. Maybe he resents being the good clever boy expected to walk the naice path laid out before him. Good luck. x

HereIAm20 Sat 24-Sep-16 18:02:02

Lljkk. I fear you msy be right. He is the youngest of 3 boys and has always been the easiest of the 3. Well behaved and the most academic. I hope it is just a rebellious stage. Trust it to hit in year 10!!

Haggisfish Sat 24-Sep-16 18:07:34

The risk analysis bit of teenage brains isn't developed yet, so they are indeed very poor at analysing risk. I would be trying to channel it into adrenaline sports and activities

LynetteScavo Sat 24-Sep-16 18:14:50

He's a teenager..it doesn't matter how bright he is, he thinks he's immortal.

I think a combination of crying and begging him not to do it combined with giving him thrill seeking activities which are controlled and safe coins work.

Part of it is about showing off and demonstrating he's better or as good as his mates - I would suggest climbing, but not just climbing walls actually getting on real rock faces. A few good photos off him doing that will shut his mates up.

musicposy Sat 24-Sep-16 21:25:36

Definitely get him into parkour training or other activities that will challenge the risk-taking side of his personality.

DD1 was like this - no sense of danger at all, utterly, utterly fearless, and prone to stupid physical risk-taking. We signed her up for rock climbing, trampolining, ice skating, acrobatics, paintballing - she tried everything she could think of with a good element of danger. The ice skating stuck and eventually she was competing and landing axels - half of it is about not being afraid. So if he chooses an activity where many people are a bit nervous to try stuff he will have a definite advantage which will give him a boost - and a reason not to break every bone in his body doing the more stupid stuff. All these things also teach safety alongside.

DD is now in London at a performing arts school and generally a bit more sensible. Having said that, she did send me a couple of photos of her scaling a lamppost about a month back. hmm I hope as she moves into her 20s she will start to acquire a sense of danger.

I think the structured risk taking activities during her young and mid teen years were what stopped her from doing anything really stupid, though. I'd start with looking at parkour training for your DS and go from there.

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