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Change in my DD since banning tech

(19 Posts)
Myusernameismyusername Thu 22-Sep-16 22:22:11

My DD14 broke the rules spectacularly a few weeks ago and got some secret social media accounts and exchanged numbers with total strangers, (male) and was texting them about meeting up.

She's completely immature for her age and not sure she would ever actually have the confidence to go through with it.

Beside the point it scared me. I made her watch a load of NSPCC grooming videos and took away all tech, phone, iPad etc.

She has behavioural issuesthat are being investigated, likely anxiety disorder and an attachment disorder and is awaiting CBT. She had one episode of self harm, which thankfully was not serious.

It is soon to be her birthday so I think she is on best behaviour.
But she's been so 'changed' (reading books, engaged in family properly, helpful) that I know at some point she's going to want her stuff back and I'm so scared to give it to her. I want to trust her but I just don't. I'm really scared she will do something very silly. At the same time I know I can't wrap her up in cotton wool forever.

She doesn't have the best friendship group, isn't really invited places and doesn't go out much socially. She won't join any clubs. So I can see why joining a fantasy virtual world is so tempting but she doesn't seem to realise the actual danger.

How do you start to trust them? Do you just let them make mistakes and then deal with the consequences?

specialsubject Fri 23-Sep-16 10:06:40

Why give the dangerous tech back? She is clearly much happier without it?

ilovemonsters Fri 23-Sep-16 10:11:15

I'd give her back a non smart phone for basic texting and contact with parents and friends and nothing else, she endangered her own safety and unfortunately cannot be trusted.

She'll have to earn your trust over time and that could take a long time.

If my mother had done the same for me as a child id have had my childhood for a lot longer and had a lot less drama in my life.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 23-Sep-16 11:36:31

Thank you

The most dangerous thing is the phone. I can make the iPad pretty harmless - no iMessage no email no safari so only for music library and games. Also heavily censored wifi via my router.

The phone is something I can't control when she is out of the house. Clearly. But it was given to her as a present (by a relative) so she will want it back one day, and obviously for communication with me I want her to have something - so a crappy old Nokia brick non smart phone I think I will have to get!

She's very much still a child, I can see she wants to grow up but she isn't doing things in the safest way. She's sneaky and she lies about things until caught. Then can't understand why I don't trust her??!

Equally the harder my parents were the more I rebelled. Then they gave up trying. I don't want to push too hard or show her that I will cave. I just keep telling her I want her to be safe.

Northernsoul58 Fri 23-Sep-16 14:04:00

Can't advise on whether to give it back or not. Only to say that if you do, don't link it to an event like her birthday. You withdrew it as a behavioural issue and it should be returned as a behavioural issue. Birthdays and etc are celebrations, not something to be rewarded or punished for. Just sayin'

gillybeanz Fri 23-Sep-16 14:12:44

OP, I have a dd with a similar story and similar disabilities, but not quite up to your dd as only 12.
We did exactly the same over the summer hols, had to really.
Yes, the change was unbelievable, exactly as you say and so engaging with family.

We had to give it back as she has a live timetable at school and they can only turn phones off/ be uncontactable during a lesson.
she has no social media now, or moreover doesn't really bother about it.
I think once they learn their lesson and they experience how bad things can happen so quickly, it scares them a bit and the whole social media loses it's past appeal.

gillybeanz Fri 23-Sep-16 14:17:21

OP, you need to get the message across, I know this is easier said than done.
We were lucky as SENCO at school and CAMHS/ Police helped us with dd, they told her straight and put the fear of God in her and there were no issues of talking to men or anything like that. Although, a crime could have been committed hence Police. My dd behaviour didn't attract a Police investigation btw, but she was unfortunately involved.

If you have vulnerable children, I know they all are really, but those with learning difficulties or disabilities can need much more intervention and monitoring with social media thanks

gillybeanz Fri 23-Sep-16 14:18:59

Have to go out soon, but please OP, if I can help.
Obviously a case could out certain people so would rather help off site if you would like.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 23-Sep-16 14:27:20

She said all that about the social media to my face the first time and and each time lost the phone for a long period of time and it's still happened again. Then just does it again. I'm a mug because I want to trust her. It upsets me that I can't. I want a relationship where she can tell me things. I'm not scary I don't scream and yell. I don't want to intimidate her into behaving

She's going to want the phone back because it was a gift and it isn't really mine to take, although she isn't fighting me on it. I wouldn't give it back at birthday for the PP reasons, but I think after birthday the behaviour might change as she got other presents? Will have to see.

Also phones seem to be the be all and end all of teen life and my DD does not like to stand out and be different. So she wants to fit in but won't conform with my rules. She can't see she's nicer and happier without it - I can and she doesn't value my opinion as much as she does the teasing for not having a phone.

I just don't understand this twisted logic of my daughter. I will keep the smartphone and not return it because that's the safest option but it doesn't actually seem to teach her a lesson? Does that make sense? I feel like I am just prolonging the inevitable when she just does it again one day and pretends she knows it's unsafe

mycatstares Fri 23-Sep-16 14:30:04

Op I did similar things around your dds age. It's a huge confidence boost more than any real interest in who she's talking to.

I'm afraid until you help her confidence and self esteem she will repeatedly do the same thing online. Your doing the right thing, even if she doesn't meet up with them, it's so bloody easy for them to find your dd through school and location which is terrifying. Is she aware of this? As I had no idea how easily I could have been tracked down when I was younger.

Another thing Is Make sure no photos have been sent as this obviously leaves your dd in a very vulnerable situation, I'd also contact the men she was talking to and inform them if they attempt to make any more contact then the police will be phoned.

Sorry that was so long!! I dread my dd getting to teenage years with so much more technology about nowsad.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 23-Sep-16 14:35:35

Thanks gilly - she's had police talk in school, she's had this in lessons, I've made her watch videos - it's the new teen pregnancy 'it won't happen to me' mentality!

What will shock an immature teen into seeing things from a more mature perspective?

Myusernameismyusername Fri 23-Sep-16 14:38:16

My cat those were my exact words - just put herself in such danger. Anyone could have found her. She's not as clever as she thought.
She blamed another girl for the entire thing so didn't even take responsibility for it really.

She needs this CBT. I phoned the CAMHS team because IMO this is risky behaviour. This needs addressing ASAP

Myusernameismyusername Fri 23-Sep-16 14:40:02

No photos that I am aware of (also she's terrible at covering her tracks and I didn't see any) and I think they were teen boys, i am not sure they were actual men, but it was about getting male attention.

Toofondofcake Fri 23-Sep-16 16:08:46

You're her parent so the phone is yours to take if you feel it has a huge impact on her behaviour and safety.

If downgrade it to a low tech non smart phone and spell out for her ways she can earn your trust.

My DM was very quick to fold with me as a teenager and I got away with murder and put myself in some horrendously dangerous situations and when I look back on it now I cringe and can't believe I was so stupid even though at the time I thought I was very mature and could do what I wanted.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 23-Sep-16 17:12:24

I've got the phone, she hasn't had it back.

But that's not sustainable forever is it? I can keep the phone until she is 18 if I have to but I don't think that's fundamentally very helpful. I don't know what to do to help with the trust and the understanding. Possibly it is all about her self esteem.

The only reason I would 'fold' is if I felt she had earned my trust but she's good at convincing me and not meaning it. Or later just forgetting everything I've said in the first place and our arrangements. So we go around in circles with me believing she can be trusted by her words and actions and then her proving she isn't.

My parents also gave in easily for a quiet life and I don't want to be that way.

I love her to bits but she is a manipulative little so and so.

LadyPeterWimsey Fri 23-Sep-16 17:19:56

DD has a smart phone with no data package, so can only use school wifi and our very restricted wifi - no 3G out and about. We also have something called KoalaSafe which fits to our router and means I can schedule and switch on and off her internet access, and also block sites or social media or whatever. It is much easier than fiddling round with her devices to block stuff, and I can do it all from my phone - I don't have to have her device. So when she is rude to me and strops off upstairs, I just switch off her Internet even if it is her allowed screen time.

gillybeanz Fri 23-Sep-16 19:02:51

hello again, haven't got long as just come in but will pm you soon.

I would like to echo what others have said, she needs to earn your trust.
With dd I let her add people from school who were close friends.
No friends of friends and only people I knew were close iyswim.
I monitored every little message she sent and gave her instruction of topics of conversation. This was necessary at the time, may seem weird but were advised to do this.
I suppose it was easier as we had full summer hols to do this, must be harder when they are at school all day.
She had to be open with everything, say what was on her mind, small talk about what her friends were doing etc.
Her whole behaviour was monitored, but of course we had every flippin agency involved, which helped immensely as she had to be accountable to them too.
They have to work it out for themselves unfortunately, it's so easy to trust them after this. The need to want to change has to come from them so they can move forward.

Is there somebody from school you could get to talk to her, or even a family friend she looks up to. so many times i heard dd say mum warned me but I wouldn't listen.
This is often the case and an outsider can help in an instant.

Will pm later thanks

JustDanceAddict Sat 24-Sep-16 09:44:28

I would do as others have said. Give her a v basic smart phone but one you are linked to in some way so you can see what she is doing because she is vulnerable. And tell her upfront you will have constant access to it. There are packages that do this. You want her to trust you as well as you needing to trust her.
Good luck!

Rachcakes Tue 27-Sep-16 10:16:03

My DS 14 doesn't have a phone. I feel awful about it. One of the many things I feel awful about, but it's for his own safety.
We have had very little support with his MH issues (CAMHS say he hasn't got any) but when he has a phone he trolls people and gets fixated on all sorts of things that put his physical and emotional well-being at risk.
I feel terrible that he can't have a smartphone and do what all the teenagers do but I can't just hand over the keys to his welfare to him like that.
It's a hard line, but sometimes you have to do it.

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