Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread 2

[Peebles1]

Trying to create a new thread as we're almost full on the original one. Think we all agree the last thread was a huge support, and big thanks to Ledkr for starting it.

Let's continue to support and be kind to each other on here - all those going through challenging times with teens!

[3catsandcounting]

Oh, good on you Peebles!
Am I first in?

[WestCoastGirl]

Yes I'm in too. And big thanks to Ledkr. Its been fab to have this support. Don't go away you two

[Peebles1]

Hooray - you've found it! Hope others follow soon.

Well that didn't last long - DD has just phoned from uni and woken me up. Says everyone seems really quiet and 'stuck up' (that's her own lack of self esteem coming into play). She's sad and lonely. Hey ho - here we go! She's being sensible about it, realises it's only the first night etc. And she did go to a party and socialised. She's woken me up now so thought I'd have a browse on here for a bit.

[DooWhop]

Oh boy how have I not seen this before!? I'm in the middle of round two having a 22yo dd who was pure hell from 12-21. CAMHS, family therapy, family mediation, her moving out then in then out and recently in again. She's 80% lovely now so I know it gets better.
DD2 is 14 going on 3 or 18 depending on the hour. Room a pig sty, pants containing sanpro all over, food debris all over the house, phone obsession, boy mad, hanging out with unsavoury girls. Urrrgh.
I honestly can't do it again. We don't get the 1000 decibel screaming and slamming but we barely set eyes on her and when we do she's got 10 layers of contour and highlight on and that's all she wants you to comment on - favourably of course! Any small requests e.g. Can you put your bowl IN the dishwasher are met with scorn and if it's done then we get a silent flounce to her room, no doubt to tell her friends what a troll I am.
Just had a holiday where I cried at least 3 times because she and DS(11.5) were bickering so fucking much my head was exploding!

DH doesn't do much other than go all hissy and Come on calm down if I eventually shout which I try not to as it only winds me up.

So I've had loads of advice last time round but jeez it feels like I'm starting over.

Reading with interest!!!

[Peebles1]

Hi Doowhop - yeah, stick around - sounds like you're in the right place, haha! Your post did make me laugh - sorry, sounds awful of me but it was so nicely put!

I'm heartened to hear your DD 22 is a lot better, but I was hoping for a full recovery at 18! Been there with CAHMS, etc etc.

Your DD 14 description sounds familiar. Love the make up scenario! Plus a DS approaching teens - yay! Maybe he'll be easy?

At least you know whatever you did last time was right, if DD 22 is 80% lovely now. But I can imagine you feel knackered at the very thought of going through it again. Huge sympathies - it's so bloody hard isn't it?

Keep posting and reading. We're either all in the same boat or we've been in your boat and are now in another!

[MeDented]

I can't tell you how much I needed to find this thread today. Just to know that it's not just me! DD is 15 and oh my word I think I could actually kill her. However reading these threads on here helped me calm down and leaving her to stew all day seems to have made her realise she made a Minot incident a million times worse by throwing a tantrum and we seem to be ok again! It's so exhausting getting dragged in to their dramas but I don't seem to be able to avoid it no matter how hard I try!

[DooWhop]

Good lord. DD has smashed yet a fucking mother phone screen. It's actually been smashed for weeks but yet another incident now means it won't even switch on. I. Could. Throttle. Her. So grounded until Monday for now.
At 14, and seriously glued to her phone, would I be out of order to get her a basic dumb phone? We have an older version of her iPhone around somewhere but I'm loathed to give her that yet if ever. So sick of it. Within a week without fail she has smashed every phone screen. No money to repair it so we always end up doing it

You should see the puppy sad face. I couldn't care less, had to ask for an apology!

On the other hand she might discover homework and the art of conversation!?

[Peebles1]

We've had a lot of that over the years Doowhop, with three DCs. Used to claim on home insurance, £50 excess, but we've claimed so often the excess on our phones is now £250 so no point. Quick Mobile Fix (online - you post it to them) are good and repair from £50 up. We do things like make DC pay half, or £30 or full £50 depending on their age and income at the time. Might be worth checking out? It often costs more depending on what needs doing. Then buy a good protector case! And yes they've all had awful basic phones for periods of time, didn't kill them. Sympathies!!

[yeOldeTrout]

DD had a meltdown this morning because I wanted to print a test page for her document. Everything is my fault, blar blar blar....

After I dropped her 1/5 mile down the road (she had lost all ability to walk that far), I'm afraid I threw out her "Get a Scholarship to attend remote Scottish boarding school!" paperwork. Didn't really need the latest paddy to know she doesn't have the resilience for that.

[swingofthings]

I might join you as starting to feel more and more tested with those teenage years and entering that stage of 'I don't really like my kids even if I love them dearly'!

Went through another holiday where I came home thinking that I wasn't going with them anymore if they were going to act so blaze about it all and take for granted. Trying to get into their heads that they should be grateful that we can afford to take them to nice new places and they should try to make the most of it rather than just do the same than they would do at home, ie. mainly playing on their phones after heaving a huge sight of relief when they found out that they could get access to wifi, I've given up. It felt like OH and I were acting more like kids then they were (on one day, we were both jumping like kids in the waves whilst the kids sat dressed on the beach tower, looking at us like we were complete idiots, asking every 10 minutes when we would be going, grrrrrr! There were some good times, even managed to get them to walk for 4 hours and both actually enjoyed it, but overall, it just feel that for the cost of the hols, they might have well have stayed home!

Then this week, I exploded when they both decided they were not going to do the evening dishes. They argued whose turn it was and both refused to step down. Trying to explain to them that considering it was the ONLY chores they had (besides tidying their room which is a constant argument is never really happens) and that I did absolutely everything else for them despite working FT, they should have made it about them but about doing right to help me. Ha ha, I know, wasted energy to get them to comprehend that concept!

Then yesterday, DD announced that she wanted to change college. Why? Because she goes to a local 6th forms which is much more academic and restrictive, which she chose because she is very academic and have aspirations to high level studies, but now says she hates the place because she needs to go 8 to 3pm 5 days a week when her friends at the other college get a day off. So much for her saying that she is very committed to high level studying.

Rant over! Of course my teenagers are lovely kids, adored by their teachers who think their behaviour is exemplary and wish all their pupils were the same, same with neighbours, family members etc... They do have a habit of leaving it the crap to mum don't they! And yes, I was told some years back about those 'teenage years' and how testing they were. Thankfully, I now see what lovely young adults they have turned out to be, so keeping hopeful and my head down whilst we go through it!

[Jinsky]

A bit of hand-holding needed, please.
Thought I didn't need the comfort this thread offers anymore but I'm back.
I always thought that when dc go off to uni, the parents could wave them off with a "job done" sort of feeling in the hope that the dc had become pleasant adults/nearly adults. Not so, it would seem.
Ds1 is off at the weekend and I am saddened that his last few days at home have been spent being aggressive, threatening me with broken glasses and telling me how stupid I am.
I have no idea where I have gone wrong with him and how to make the relationship better. During his outbursts I have stayed calm but he seems to ramp up the aggression the calmer I stay.
I am hoping he will mature/calm down when he is away at uni.

[NicknameUsed]

Can I join in as well? Sympathies to you Jinsky and everyone else.

DD's anxiety has returned in a big way in 6yh form. She is too frightened to talk to anyone she doesn't know and feels isolated in some of her classes.

Fortunately school is being really supportive.

[Rumtopf]

Jinksy, is he worried, scared, anxious about going and taking it out on you because you're a safe place?
I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with but maybe keeping it at the back of your mind might help keep you sane.

Things are on an even keel here at the mo, but who knows for how long so I'm here too!

[Jinsky]

Rumtopf - he says he can't wait to move out so I don't think he is worried etc. We recently moved and he is going to uni very close to where we lived before where he knows loads of people. His gf lives there, too so he is looking forward to living closer to her again.
I think some of the aggression comes from boredom as he doesn't do anything except sleep, watch youtube films, play computer games and be a stroppy teenager.
He has always needed mental stimulation and a challenge of some sort to be happy and his lifestyle doesn't give him that at the moment. That will hopefully change when his course starts.
The problem is that he doesn't realise he needs mental stimulation and a challenge to be balanced and if I suggest any activity to counteract the boredom, he rejects it on the basis that it came from me.
I am looking forward to the more relaxed atmosphere at home with a very easy-going ds2 (16) when ds1 goes to uni and hope that living away from home will help ds1 to mature.

[Footle]

Threatening you with broken glasses ? That is quite extreme. Is he likely to do the same to his girlfriend ?

[Jinsky]

Footle - I do worry about his current and any future gfs/wife. And anyone else who angers him.
I really don't know what he would do when angry if the person his anger is aimed at were to be equally aggressive. Someone would end up in hospital or worse.
I need to talk to him about anger management today.
He had counselling at the start of the year and his counsellor decided it was just a phase.
The older he gets, the more I worry about him.

[RebelandaStunner]

Yes I'm in. My poor dog shook last night with DD15 shouting because we are crap parents as we won't let her stay over at her 17 yr old bfs house 2 towns away. I know it will happen eventually but feel she is too young and don't know these people, although bf is v polite. Wwyd?

On the plus side head of house rang saying how much he had been impressed with her so far - so polite and working really hard after some issues last term. Also if I ask her to do something like empty the dishwasher she just does it without fuss.
The smashed phone doowhop I feel your pain
and holiday doowhop rings so true. They keep nagging about next years holiday and I'm thinking what holiday?
Jinksy that must be hell. definitely look into anger management. can school help? hand hold and

[RebelandaStunner]

Sorry meant swings holiday

[Footle]

Jinksy, I wish there was something I could suggest. It's a frightening situation.

[Jinsky]

Have been rehearsing my hopefully non-anger -provoking choice of words re. threatening behaviour. I potentially have a window of just a few minutes when I talk to ds before he insults me and storms off. He might, on the other hand be receptive - let's hope it is the latter.
So, what do others think of this approach
"People will make you angry as you go through life - you can't do a lot to change that. You can work on changing how you deal with anger, though. Lashing out and threatening others can and probably will backfire at some time and if someone fights back, things can escalate and very easily get out of hand."
Is that a reasonable start to the conversation? Am dreading the conversation but dh won't do it as he is afraid he will fight back if ds lashes out. The whole scenario is making me feel sick.

[Footle]

I'm speaking from an equally frightening but different perspective. Be honest with yourself : is he actually going to hear anything you or your husband say to him, in the way in which you mean it ? If not , don't go there. It can only be bad for your relationship with him. Is there anyone he respects who knows the situation and would speak to him ? Remember, if so, that you can't control what this person may choose to say ,but you'd have to trust that they are on the side of reason.

[Footle]

But I do think what you want to say is good, straight to the point.

[Jinsky]

Just had brief talk. No violent outbursts, thankfully.
Apparently my advice is unnecessary because noone else is stupid enough to provoke him.
Well I have said what I feel I should as a mother, he has reiterated that he hates me and I am a failure as a mother - I think time apart is the best thing that can happen now. Roll on university.

[Jinsky]

Thank you for the hand-holding - it helps so much

[Peebles1]

Ahh Jinksy that sounds so bloody hard for you. I bet university will make a difference. They say stuff they don't really mean, because they can I suppose. Unconditional love etc. Also it's all part of breaking away and becoming independent - turning against your parents and rejecting their 'parenting'. That probably doesn't help though. Theory is all very well but it's horrible to live with. My DD and I have a close relationship now but she was very hurtful in the past. to you and yes - not long to go till you get a bit of peace and quiet.

And you're NOT a failure as a mother !!