Teenage DD and Boyfriend - HELP!

[arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens]

So, my DD is 14 (she will be 15 in a little over a month). I've name changed for this just in case.

Anyway, she has been seeing her current boyfriend for a little over 8 months. He is a year older. They met through ATC and are in the same school. So far, he has ended the relationship at least three times, each time begging her to go back out with him whenever she seems to be moving on. Throughout their on/off relationships, he has insisted that she go to his place (a short bus / parental taxi ride away) and will not come up to our house.

The last time this happened, her father and I (after mopping up the tears and applying the accepted remedy of Ben & Jerry's ice cream) said that we would not be happy if she took him back again, as he is not treating her with respect and is expecting her to do all the running. Of course, the expected happened and he begged her so she said yes.

We didn't find this out to begin with - she was staying with her best friend (across from ours) for a week long birthday party / couple of day trips with early starts and a couple of paid jobs with best friend's mum. Over coffee with said mum, turns out that not only the girls were staying but the boys too (best friend's boyfriend and DD's). And that DD and boyfriend (I'll call him Jose as it's nothing like his real name!) were not only back together but all four teens had slept in the same room.

DH was fuming on both counts. We had an argument when I said we couldn't really ban her from seeing Jose as it would make him more attractive but that yes, we would put a stop to the second part. When DD came home, we had a talk with her and said that if she is to continue to see Jose, he has to start visiting her here, meeting in town etc. and not expecting her to simply rock up at his all the time. She said that she'd already told him that, and he'd agreed. On the co-sleeping, we said it wasn't to happen again and then spoke with friend's mum to stop it there. We also used the opportunity to talk about how to get away if she was being pressured into sex etc.

Week passes, she arranges for Jose to come up to spend the day here. Expected time of arrival comes and goes, no Jose. An hour later she gets a message from him saying something about babysitting little sister, how he'd forgotten etc. etc. etc. and would she go there. Despite misgivings we agreed, with the caveat that this was the last time.

Two weeks later and he's still not been up here to spend time, despite her going to his most days either before or after school.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to put a deadline on him sticking to the agreement (and I've curtailed the after school visits) but I also don't want to make him into some kind of forbidden delight. Any suggestions on how to handle this now?

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Can't believe the friends mother allowed 2 teen couples to have a sleepover and didn't think to check with you first! I don't think it's forbidden fruit when your dd is well aware he is a teen twat! Keep to your decision to have him at your home or not at all! He will likely get bored of the constriction and move on to another gf.

[arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens]

Thanks Mybearded. I admit I was a bit that she'd allowed it but she does allow her DD and DD's BF to room share (when DSD isn't home!) which is something I never would. They're only 15 FFS.

You're right, I just need to stick to my guns. She's a sharp girl and is starting to see it, so I just need to hang on in there!

[Canyouforgiveher]

Week passes, she arranges for Jose to come up to spend the day here. Expected time of arrival comes and goes, no Jose. An hour later she gets a message from him saying something about babysitting little sister, how he'd forgotten etc. etc. etc. and would she go there. Despite misgivings we agreed, with the caveat that this was the last time.

He is calling all the shots in this relationship and I don't blame you and your dh for not being one bit happy. She really should have replied "no, I can't go there. When you have time to come see me, let me know and I will tell you if it suits me". But I know how hard it is to reason with a 14 year old.

Could you have a coffee with her and have a grown up conversation about not being the one who does the running around, about expecting more from a relationship, about how people take you at your own valuation so you better value yourself right. Maybe even her dad or an aunt/friend of yours having this conversation might help. If she is a sharp girl, she may not put up with this much longer as you say.

The mother who let them sleep in the same room is a fool and I would have gone through her for a short cut.

[roundandroundthehouses]

Ergh, that's awkward. Just wondering - are there any adults around at Jose's house? Could it be (not wanting to worry you more) that he likes it better round there because there's nobody keeping an eye?

[LittleDittyAbout]

I'd put money on them having sex in Jose's.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Ergh, that's awkward. Just wondering - are there any adults around at Jose's house? Could it be (not wanting to worry you more) that he likes it better round there because there's nobody keeping an eye?

I'd put money on them having sex in Jose's.

Think both these posters are right.

[roundandroundthehouses]

It's just that if Jose is the controlling type, dumping her then begging her to come back, whilst keeping it all on his terms, then his terms about where they meet up probably aren't just to save him a walk and a bus fare. You seem to have been saying all the right things to your dd about valuing herself, but (having a 14 yr old dd myself) it doesn't always go into their heads.

[arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens]

on the sex bit - pretty certain they're not - we told her that if she was we would not shout but that there were other considerations that would need to be dealt with (e.g. contraception). (In reality we would be livid but would keep that bit of it from her, on the grounds that at least that way she is more likely to confide if she does!) She also thinks her best friend is mad (and she IS having sex with BF) for lots of reasons, not least the fact that they are underage.

Might try the talk thing - her godmother (my best friend) would be perfect to do this. Over a girly afternoon at a shopping centre.

And yes, the lack of parental supervision at Jose's is one of my worries (single parent, works full time). At the moment the username is definitely apposite!

[Iflyaway]

Sounds like they are taking the piss out of you both.

Did you talk to your daughter about contraption at all?

I am a single mum too of a son and that is the first I talk about - age appropriate- luckily they deal with it (the basics) at age 6 at school. (not UK).

[Iflyaway]

contraception - obviously...

[arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens]

Iflyaway yes we've talked about contraception and the need for a knee in the usual place if he tries to force the issue. At least she talks to me about it!

[ImperialBlether]

I found "a friend at work says..." worked really well. My friend had a daughter who was a little older than my daughter - they'd met when my daughter was young enough to idolise her. I was then able to say, "Sarah says..."

Sarah said a lot! All about walking home alone, about not giving in to boys, about girls who were daft to think everyone did X, Y and Z, etc.

She was the most useful person in the world and I hadn't seen her since she was about eight!

[SanityClause]

I do sympathise.

DD, who is now 17, had a boyfriend when she was 14 and 15 who was an arse. He would dump her, then want to get back together, he would flirt with other girls on social media (so in effect, in her presence) and worst of all, he was rude and sulky with us, and would want her to only see him at his house.

She would go to his house and eat with his family, and they would all go out in the evening, but when we invited him to any event, there was always some reason why he couldn't come (including going to a west end show with my sister from abroad, and her family).

Finally, one time when he dumped her, she decided enough was enough. It took at least three months for him to realise they were never going to get back together. Such a relief! (She now has a lovely boyfriend.)

We have spoken about it since. She appreciates that we never gave up on her. That we didn't say "I told you so" every time she was dumped. She has recently had a friend in a similar situation, and appreciates what a pain it must have been not just for us, but also for her friends.

All I can say is, just keep being there for her. Make sure she knows how to access contraception. Keep doing what you're doing. She'll get there, in the end. You sound like a lovely mum.

[arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens]

Thanks sanityclause that does give me some hope that she will come to her senses. I know we've just got to ride it out and just keep passing the Ben&Jerry's when he dumps her without making any "I told you so" but it is hard.

I forgot just how awful the teenage years are!

[Cameforarant22]

Exactly the same situation here -I have met DDs Jose and he is a complete cock , but I was polite, till he cheated on her 4 times , now he's banned from the house but she "loves" him. I would also say they are probably having sex, DD was very convincing that she wasn't and wouldn't and turned out had.

[Peebles1]

I was also in a similar situation when my DD was 14/15, except her bf did come over to ours and was perfectly polite etc. But he repeatedly treated her badly, made her do all the running etc etc. It's extremely hard to watch. I never exactly said 'JUST DUMP HIM!' But had lots of chats about it all, and I remember saying if it makes you more unhappy then happy then it's wrong. It lasted two and a half years, I'm afraid, and she had to come to the decision herself in the end.

Unfortunately I agree with previous pps about the sex. My DD had it just after her 15th birthday. Her best friend had also recently had sex - I think this makes it even more likely that they will. I'd never have believed it of her (naive parent!), but there you go. We allowed her bf to stay over, but not sleep together, so they chose to stay at his much more often where they could sleep together.

Good luck with it all - sounds like you're doing the right thing in keeping the lines of communication open. Hopefully she'll come to her senses.

[Floralnomad]

The only thing you can hope is that he is dumping her because she won't have sex . The friends mother was completely out of line , I would have been raving with her but it's amazing what some people allow . I actually doubt there is anything you can do except be there to pick up the pieces when the inevitable happens but I wouldn't be too pushy about 'he must come here or you can't see him' because then they will start sneaking about and you will be out of the loop .

[arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens]

Thanks all. Given that her best friend is now sleeping with hers, I am more worried. I've tried the "we are not going to yell, I just need to know the truth" line - I'm fairly certain they haven't as yet, but I'm pretty certain that he's been pushing for it.

Parenting teenage daughters. Hey ho, thank god for wine and Mumsnet!!

[AnyFucker]

I would be insisting on contraception. Like yesterday. You sound very naive. Sorry.

[Cameforarant22]

DD swore blind she hadn't and looked down on people who did (for my benefit) then sent me a screenshot with caption mum who is this, the text said "Lydia says all clear"

[misshelena]

"Week passes, she arranges for Jose to come up to spend the day here. Expected time of arrival comes and goes, no Jose. An hour later she gets a message from him saying something about babysitting little sister, how he'd forgotten etc. etc. etc. and would she go there. Despite misgivings we agreed, with the caveat that this was the last time. "

WHY??? He already walks all over dd, and now you let him walk all over you too??? Please, you only need to stick to your guns one time, just one time, and he will either come around to your way or dump dd for good. Either way, you win!! Just once! Really, I promise you.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

No way, José!

[KoalaDownUnder]

I can't believe your DD's friend's mum let your 14-year-old daughter share a bedroom with her boyfriend. What. The. Fuck.

As for driving her over to flakey Jose's...no. Don't enable her in offering herself up to dickheads.

Of course she's having sex with him.

[mathanxiety]

I would bet a lot of money that they are having sex.

Is she on the Pill?

He is dumping her so that she will have make up sex with him and be grateful that he is stooping to have sex with her for a while. Then he dumps her again and she is so humiliated and feels so awful about her single status and so desperate to have her BF back that she goes back when he snaps his fingers. He is controlling her and maintaining access to sex by means of the breakups.

And I agree with Misshelena.
Put your foot down.

There are not a lot of resources on emotionally abusive teen relationships, but again I would bet money that your DD is involved in one.

[P1nkP0ppy]

Put your foot down, I bet your dd wishes you would set firm boundaries.
He's using your dd and she needs you to say no.