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18 year old boy needs advice

(10 Posts)
user1473079219 Mon 05-Sep-16 13:53:21

Hi, can't believe i'm actually doing this but just looking for some advice. I'm an 18 year old, starting second year of uni very soon. It's my hometown uni so I decided to stay at home for first year which I didn't think would be that big of a problem but turns out I was wrong. Basically my mum is the most overprotective person you will ever meet. The best example i can give you is that on my first night out after turning 18 I went out clubbing, and she text 14 times wondering where I was, what time I'd be home, who i was with etc etc. She sits up until i come home, and gives me grief about going out. She absolutely hates me going out on weekdays, so much to the extent that she actually starts crying about it saying things like 'you don't care about me'. I've actually turned down going out with friends and just stayed in because I feel bad on her. I don't know what my next step should be. I can't afford to move out but I can't go on living in this situation either. Any help is appreciated.

BrianCoxReborn Mon 05-Sep-16 14:03:04

I remember my mum being like this. I passed my driving test at 18 and one night went out with a friend. We were driving around and having a great time,oblivious to the fact my mum was trying to get in touch on my mobile (well, it was her mobile - a brick with buttons!)

When I finally called her back she was in pieces, sobbing that I was irresponsible and unreasonable and to get home straight away. Yo I can imagine my response.

When I got home, she was in bed and probably for the best as we'd have had a row.

You need to sit down together and set some ground rules.

It isn't unreasonable for you to let her know where you're going and an approximate time for getting home - just while it's all so new.

If you don't plan on going home send her a text "all ok, staying out, speak tomorrow"

She then knows and doesn't worry. She really must n it be texting you over and over agaub - that's her part of the bargain.

With great power comes great responsibility said Spiderman so now you are an adult and have freedom just take a moment to appreciate its hard for us mums to adapt and a little information goes a long way.

BrianCoxReborn Mon 05-Sep-16 14:06:24

Oh and don't stay in to save your mum's feelings, that is just odd on her part.

She needs to accept that you are living a normal 18 year old lifestyle.

Is there a third party (dad/aunt/uncle/family friend) who can help by talking to her?

notagiraffe Mon 05-Sep-16 14:09:28

For some mums, letting go is really hard, partly because being responsible for their children has been such a massive part of their lives that they don't really know what to do with themselves and their free time.

Can you encourage her to do something at night herself? Go out with mates a couple of times a week, or join an evening class or a gym?
Can you agree you'll text her just once between, say 11 and midnight to let her know you're fine and either will or won't be home?
Just nicely remind her you're an adult now and need to be allowed to run your own life. (But if you do this, make sure you behave like an adult - do your own washing and hers too sometimes. Never leave plates in the sink. Pick up milk and bread if supplies are running low, without being asked to. Clean the loo. Etc.

MyBreadIsEggy Mon 05-Sep-16 14:13:15

The guilt tripping you about "not caring about her" because you're going out with friends is completely out of order. Has it always been just you and your mum?
My mum really struggled with "empty nest syndrome". I joined the army at 16 and left home, then my older sister moved out within a couple of months of me leaving and my mum found it really really tough. I was able to talk to her quite often, but then I went to Afghanistan for 6 months 4 days after I turned 18 and had no means of communication with home other than the slowest postal service on this planet and 30 mins per week on a satellite phone that didn't work properly most of the time. I think that kind of clean break did my mum some good. She realised that I was an adult, in a very adult situation and she couldn't treat me like a child, checking up on me every few hours. As harsh as it might sound, I think you need to have a calm conversation about how you're an adult and although you know she worries about you, it's going a bit far. Can you come to some kind of compromise where you drop her the odd text to let her know you get somewhere safely (I'm 22, about to have my second child and my mum still gets me to text her to let her know I'm home safe after visiting her grin) and give her a time she can expect you home - and if that changes you'll text her again. But that's as far as it goes. Let her know you are safe and that's as far as it goes. The emotional guilt tripping will hopefully stop as she gets used to the idea that you're not a little boy anymore.

BrianCoxReborn Mon 05-Sep-16 19:35:59

I'm 38 and still have to text my mum when I travel anywhere to let her know I'm home safe! grin

You never stop being a parent.

AverageGayLad Mon 05-Sep-16 19:39:18

Yay, another 18 year old boy! grin

I think she cares about you a lot, although I can see why it's suffocating you. Can you make a deal where you'll ring her every hour or two? So she knows you're okay?

Can you not go into uni accommodation?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 05-Sep-16 19:41:23

I can see this from both sides - on one hand, my mum was incredibly protective too & never wanted me to go out "and leave her". I hated it & always vowed I'd give my own DCs much more freedom.

But now I am mum to an 18 year old myself & can't help but worry about him! I do want to know where he's going (roughly) and when he'll be home (roughly). If he ends up staying out at a friend's overnight he texts or calls to let me know. I do want him to learn to be independent & enjoy being a young adult - but being a mum doesn't switch off when the child reaches 18.

keeptheheid Mon 05-Sep-16 19:43:30

Sounds a lot like my mum. I stayed at home for uni as well because she wouldn't let me leave, I ended up moving in with friends during my second year but it caused a lot of grief with her. The best thing to do is to be honest with your mum & sensitive too, she is absolutely being overprotective but only because she's worrying about you. Tell her it's too much & you need to be able to go out with your friends, work out a level of contact you're both comfortable with, find a compromise. Don't stay in for her sake, go & enjoy yourself.

mylaptopismylapdog Mon 05-Sep-16 20:06:09

You don't mention your Dad, is it just you and Mum at home? If not talk to your Dad /her partner and see if he can help. If not are there grandparents who might be able to help. Does your Mum understand why you are studying and what your hopes are for your future? These don't have to be concrete but just what sort of life. It was just Mum and me from 8 until I left at 18. She found it hard and so did I but the fact that I was working towards the future helped her see it was necessary. Try to work on gradually being more independent whilst encouraging her to find a new interest. At the end of the day your Mum will get far more pleasure from seeing you live your own life and welcoming your friends and any future partners into her life. All the best for the future to both of you, she's given you a good start and you are keen to make the most of it.

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