my two teenagers

[barbsbarbs]

I have a 14 year old son and 16 year old daughter and i have to say they treat us like c*p. The 14 year old whenever he doesn't get what he wants will call us all the names under the sun,e.g 'you are a pathetic piece of c*p' 'you are terrible parents', 'you fail at everything', he has adhd and has not done a piece of homework since forever no matter what we say, he got excluded the last few days at school before the hols and is now going to a new school. there is no respect or genuine care from them both, the 16 year old has just started an apprenticeship and has always been good at school, but she is always moody, she acts constantly as though I get on her nerves all the time. she never talks to me as a fellow human being with interests and despite me showing continuous interest in her life, she gives nothing back. I feel like Ive done something terribly wrong as a parent, despite me showing my best efforts. These are two people who are my children and I dont like them as people although I adore them too, is there something wrong with me?

[yeOldeTrout]

I have teens the same ages.
It's pretty normal to feel like shit if people treat you like shit.
ADHD doesn't give anyone an excuse to be horrible.
(Teens don't need a reason, they are simply self-centred).
Getting depressed is not going to help, You are where you are.
I like to break problems down into parts & I usually try to do the quickest or easiest thing first.

What small things do you think you could try or do that might improve each kid's behaviour back towards you?

[barbsbarbs]

thanks.. Ill have a think.....

[barbsbarbs]

but I have no idea, ive tried appealling to their better natures, explaining that they can act pretty horrible, but it doesn't do anything... the thing is we wouldnt put up with it from a spouse, so why (apart from t he fact that they are our kids) do we put up with it? , most partners would be kicked to the curb by now... at a loss.....

[yeOldeTrout]

What leverage points do you have over them, Money, lifts, wifi, privileges?

Do they ever talk to you nicely? One of mine mostly talks thru the cat... he brings the cat for a cuddle (demands me to cuddle the cat), & we converse around and about the cat. I am bored about the cat, but I play along because I have figured out the real game. The more you talk civilly the more you find things to talk civilly about.

[barbsbarbs]

occassionaly... the daughter has her own money now, but needs lifts all the time.... son always needs money,,, yes i could use that... he constantly balckmails me saying hes leaving home and he has literally left the house at 9pm and im having a heart attack thinking hes run away inn the dark. its the worst type of emotional blackmail... how can I stop him saying this.. we have tried those things, but get more abuse and more blackmail...

[ImperialBlether]

You know that if he says that you have to let him do it. Don't beg him to stay. If he doesn't come home, call the police. He wants the drama of you begging, phoning round, not sleeping etc.

Do you have support from your partner?

[yeOldeTrout]

When he's heading out the door hand him the phone number for social services. Remind him not to talk to strangers & wish him good luck. Refuse to play into their dramas.

Divide them up, the 16yo sounds a lot more reasonable. When she's saying horrible things do you tell her so? "I never speak to you like that, so why do you think it's okay to speak to me like that? How would you feel if I spoke to you like that? We aren't discussing XYZ until you stop speaking horribly to me."

When he's in a good mood & being reasonable, ask to chat & ask him why he gets into such a state that he has to leave the house. What's he feeling then, why does it seem like the best behaviour, what could he do to stop getting into such a state or to get out of it faster, what would he actually like you to do in that moment. Make the discussion about a problem that you guys share.

(ps: where does he go when he goes out at 9pm?)

[barbsbarbs]

yes there is support from him I guess we are normally on the same page.. we both feel drained and deflated...... the thing is hes only 14, if he was 17 it would be a different story.. he knows we would be worrying...... I guess we'll have to try that...

[barbsbarbs]

im not sure, he normally appears after an hour, my 16 year old shows utter contempt for me especially,,, i just never realised how selfish teenagers can actually be,,, there has to be light at the end of this....

[Squeegle]

Have you got any support? I do sympathise. My DS is 12, he is exceptionally difficult and I am in the middle of getting him assessed for ADD. He argues about everything, thinks I am wrong about everything and is generally very disrespectful - angry all the time for no reason. I'm a single parent and find it really hard. I was hoping that if he is diagnosed there must be some support out there either a govt organisation or something independent. He is so rude to his sister it makes home life very difficult. Does anyone know if there is any help for our kinds of situation?

[barbsbarbs]

hi basically my son was diagnosed at 12 with adhd and unfortunately apart from seeing the paediatrician and perhaps helplines, we have to plod on. I completely understand how hard it is for you, The days Im not with my son I just do nice things for myself when I can to replenish those emotional resources.

[Squeegle]

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I don't have any answers of course, but am sympathetic . One of the worst things for me is that people seem to think it's because j am soft with him that he is like this but I really don't think it's like that. They are just impossible to deal with sometimes. your DS take any medication?

[barbsbarbs]

yes ritalin,but he hates taking it because it makes him not hungry, that is another battle, its all a battle, cleaning teeth, hygiene, BO, smoking, going to sleep, getting up for school, insulting his siblings, demanding lifts, demanding money, arguing over everything, being seriously messy, not doing homework ever, basically everything right now. I fear for the future right now........

[Squeegle]

it sounds really hard. I wonder if you can access any help for family therapy or similar through GP it sounds like you really need it for your sanity.

[Claramarion]

I work with teenagers and in essence should be trained to put
Up with their shit, but when it comes
To my own I told my daughter yesterday I love her to bits but she is not a nice person.
Sometimes I do take it to personally though as it hurts more when it's your own and you now you've created these creatures but honestly all teenagers are self centred and can't see what we do for them, there
Logical part of their brains don't develop until late teens.
Hit they where it hurts money lifts and Internet time. There call you worse that shit but youl feel better as you now there's been a consequence to their shitty behaviour X

[Mummydummy]

You just have to vary your techniques and approach - humour always helps including taking the piss out of myself and them too (but gently - they can be hyper sensitive). Plus I ask the 16 year old's advice on how to deal with the 14 year old and I show her that I value her advice etc. I admit when I get things wrong and say sorry for over-reacting and never hold grudges for yesterday. I am very open and talk about everything and look for common ground. I say I love them all the time, even if I don't always like them. I still take loads of things personally and get upset from time to time. But thats okay, there are consequences from words and actions.