Sleeping arrangements

[TheBF2016]

Hello all parents out there! I need help/advice with how to approach my girlfriend's parents. Here are facts:

• I'm 22 yr old male
  
• my girlfriend (gf) is 20.
  
• Been together since January 2016.
  
• My gf sleeps in my rented room in London when she comes to stay on the occasional weekend and sleeps with me in my mum and dad's family house.
  
• Her parents know we have an intimate, sexual relationship.
  
• When I stay at my gf's house I have to sleep in a separate room and her parents on the occasion get funny about us snuggling.
  
• Her sister who is 22, has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for over 4 years and she still can't sleep in the same bedroom as him. Her boyfriend is 28.
  

I am just trying to be a good boyfriend but this behaviour from her parents often leads to my girlfriend having arguments because she feels it is ridiculous and it has even led to her crying to me about the fragile relationship she sometimes has with her parents. There seems to be a lack of understanding between both my gf and her parents. My personal belief is that respect should work both ways but naturally I am more inclined to agreeing with my gf. My gf's parents aren't religious but maybe could be classed as old fashioned when it comes to romance and relationships. I understand that this is a delicate subject and would really appreciate your opinions on my following questions:

1. Do you think it is wrong of her parents to stop us from sleeping in her room?
   
2. How can I approach her parents to discuss the matter? I'm not sure they are aware of the fact they are pushing their daughter away from them both physically and mentally. My gf is naturally very shy and often doesn't have the courage to express her true feelings on the matter.
   
3. How can I get her parents to have a little bit of faith in me?
   

Thank you for reading my post if you managed to read all of it and will value any responses I receive from you readers!

[titchy]

Easy - you're a guest in their house. It is up to them where they put you. How fucking rude and disrespectful you are to think you can dictate to your hosts what they do in their own home.

[brokenbone]

It's their home and their rules. You either respect them or don't stay there. Simple

[EskSmith]

If she has talked to them about it and her sister's long relationship hasn't changed anything then you have little chance of changing their attitude I'm afraid. It would be natural I guess for the 2 of you to spend less time there, and Tbh this is the natural consequence of their stance. It can be hard to parents to come to terms with their children becoming adults in adult relationships. All of that said I think this is something you need to accept for the long term benefit of a good relationship with her parents, you can't really do anything to change their stance other than accept their position and prove yourself trustworthy.

[ayeokthen]

My Mum and Dad are the same. Their house, their rules. If you want to share a bed, get your own place. The issues between your gf and her parents are a separate thing. You have no right to approach them about the decisions they make in their own home, sorry.

[PotteringAlong]

Nope, not wrong to say you cannot sleep together in their house at all. They apply the rules to all their children - they're not singling you out.

If you tried to dictate to me what happened in my house you wouldn't be staying over again.

[Randytortoise]

Their house their rules, if you don't like it don't stay there.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I'm going to reply a little less harshly than others but I do agree with them.

As a parent I can tell you I have my own set of rules. My son is younger but I don't allow things others do but also I'm more relaxed about some things than other parents.

I'm sure you were raised with the expression "their house, their rules".

It's the same here. For whatever reason her parents don't want their daughters bf to sleep over in the same bed. You have to respect that. You can support your gf to deal with the feelings surrounding her parents but you cannot get involved. Instead be supportive and look for places near her parents you can stay at when you visit if sharing a room is your priority. That is your prerogative and choice and if her partners ask you can say you respect their wishes abut separate rooms and ask they respect yours about sharing.

Just be grateful they apply the same rules to both offspring. My parents never allowed me to have be over, my sister could and my brother was allowed to move his gf in.

[musicposy]

What youarenotkiddingme said.
I have my own rules - in some areas I'm a bit more lax than other parents, in some areas I'm stricter. That's my decision and my DDs have to put up with the hand they've been dealt, some of which they are happy about, some of which they might change.

DD1 is 20 and she would not be sleeping in the same room as a boyfriend of only 8 months whilst she's here (you might think it's a long time but when you've been with someone 25 years it's nothing, believe me). Lots of parents wouldn't mind; I do. I'm allowed to; it's my house.

DD1 has her own flat in London at uni and what she does there is entirely up to her and I don't need to know about it - she's an adult and it's not my business. But in our house DH and I have a right to feel comfortable and so it's our rules.

DD2 is younger, 17 with a 16yo boyfriend. He regularly stays over but in a different room as well. They've been together nearly 2 years now so despite the fact they're young, we may relent with them in the future as it's looking increasingly as though it's going to be a very long term thing. We've had 18 months where he was under 16, so they've always accepted they sleep apart.

However, if a boyfriend starting arguing with me over the arrangements he'd pretty quickly find he wasn't sleeping over at all. Whether her parents are right or wrong, reasonable or unreasonable isn't up for debate, I'm afraid. You're a guest in their house and so it's their rules. If you don't want to create bad feeling, have the maturity to keep the "snuggling" for private. There's no need for them even to know about it. If your girlfriend is getting upset and crying over this and it's making her relationship with them fragile I'm afraid it sounds as though she has some maturing still to do.

[frenchfancy]

You are both adults. If you don't like the rules her parents impose then don't stay there, go and visit for the day and book into a b+b or hotel nearby. Her relationship with her parents may not improve if you do this, but it sounds like it isn't a strong relationship anyway.

[cloudyday99]

I think the most useful thing you can do is probably too try to help your GF deal with her shyness and find ways of being a little more assertive and talking to her parents about how she feels. You could help her make a list of how she feels, or try rehearsing conversations she wants to have with them, thinking of ways to initiate the conversation. She might do better to broach the topic with just one of her parents, and ask them to have a chat together and reflect on what she's said

Tbh, I think your chances of changing their rules aren't high, given her sister's experience. But learning to express herself, even though she's naturally shy will be really good for your GF whatever the outcome.

I don't think tackling her parents direct would be good idea. You speaking for your GF isn't really going to give the impression that she's a mature adult is it?

[Ragwort]

Why do you need to go and stay there, if you don't like their 'rules' as hosts, then stay elsewhere. I wouldn't think much if my grown up child's boy/girl friend spoke to me about my 'house rules'. Is it so hard to have a night or two in separate beds - you both sound rather immature if you can't respect other people's rules.

And do really need to 'snuggle' in front of your GF's parents , that sounds like very teenagerish behaviour, you both need to grow up.

[AnyFucker]

I have a daughter your gf's age

If her bf approached me talk about this I would show him the door

How arrogant do you have to be to start trying to dictate anything after a matter of a few months of knowing the family as opposed to her parents who have been caring for her for the last 20 years

You would really lose a lot of good will if you did that in our house

[19lottie82]

Honestly? You both sound very immature. You sound like you are convinced they are being unreasonable, and you are within your rights to confront them and convince them they are wrong.

It's their home, you are their guest. If they don't want you to share a bed with their daughter, then that's their right.

Respect their opinion (and them), and keep your thoughts to yourself, or don't stay there........ Simple.

[19lottie82]

PS "snuggling" in front of anyone is rude, and can often make others feel uncomfortable. Keep it for when you two are alone.

[19lottie82]

And in answer to your questions

1. No
   
   
2. you can't. To do so would be rude and disrespectful. If you spoke to me like this in my house, in which you were staying as a guest, you wouldn't be staying there again.
   
   
3. simple. obey their rules in ther home and show them a bit of respect.

[Cerseilannisterinthesnow]

YABVU parents were the same, I remedied this by either staying at partners or eventually moving out, I respected their decision and didn't argue the point to be honest.

If any apparent adult tried to dictate to me about sleeping arrangements in my own home they would be shown the door very quickly

[Desmondo2016]

Ummm i think her parents are being ridiculous and need to get with the times. It's not for you to do anything about though.

[TheBF2016]

Thank you all for your responses. It has been really useful for me to get all of your thoughts on this. Being a person that has never had children, it is really difficult to step into the parents shoes and see it from their angle. You have helped improve my understanding!

I feel like some of you may have judged me incorrectly and have jumped to the conclusion that I am "arrogant", "immature" and "f**king rude". Please don't assume you know me from one MumNet post.

I was with my ex-gf for 4 years and her whole family including her grandparents loved me. I want to emulate those feelings for me with this family now.

Thanks for your comments once again!

[19lottie82]

I'm glad you have taken the comments on board OP, and you can now take a step back and look at the situation differently.

No one is claiming to "know you" from a single post, but the reality is, that post does portray you as immature and arrogant.

Your ex's family "loving you" is a red herring in this situation. If you want your new "in laws" to be the same, then accept their rules and their values. Just because they won't allow you to share a bed with their daughter in their home, doesn't mean they don't like you. Try not to blur these issues.

[S3pth0t]

1. Do you think it is wrong of her parents to stop us from sleeping in her room? No their house, their rules
   
2. How can I approach her parents to discuss the matter? I'm not sure they are aware of the fact they are pushing their daughter away from them both physically and mentally. My gf is naturally very shy and often doesn't have the courage to express her true feelings on the matter. There is nothing for you to discuss, their house, their rules
   
3. How can I get her parents to have a little bit of faith in me? Respect is earnt by your words and actions over time
   

Suggest if you wish to sleep in the same room as your girlfriend find alternate accomodation eg
AirB&B or hotel or camp

You have only been with your girlfriend for a few months

I know families that NEVER allow people to stay over in the family house and this will never change

I know families that welcome big numbers of family and friends to stay over on a regular basis

[DragonNoodleCake]

My DH was 34 when we met, I was the first woman ever to be allowed to sleep in the same room as him in his parents house.

Some people just think that way

You have to accept it sorry