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Help - how to cope, what to do?

(7 Posts)
Squirrel18 Thu 01-Sep-16 17:55:17

Sorry its a long one but Im new to mumsnet and am desparate for advice and dont know where to turn. I left an abusive marriage after 14 years, my son was 13 at the time, I'd hidden most of the abuse from him so he was devastated that I was breaking up the marriage. I explained the reasons for the break up to my son, but his reaction was that I must have deserved the treatment by his dad. I got a new home for myself and my son near to his school and friends to minimise the disruption. His dad moved in with his girlfriend out of the area. 3 years of alternate weekends with his Dad followed although his dad wouldn't tell me the address where my son would be living at weekends. The alternate weekend thing wasn't the best because weekends with his dad would be quality time and weekends at home were spent out with his friends and I was left with the hard part nagging him about school work revision and out relationship suffered. My partner moved in although my son liked my partner, this soon fell apart too. We never really stood a chance. My ex husband would tell my son not to talk to my new partner, and that I couldn't tell him what to do, tell you ma to etc. Its been a living hell. My son is 16 now and just finished his GCSE's he gone to live with his dad now that he doesn't need to be near his school. He's been with his dad 9 wks and in this time his dads got him a new phone, on the proviso that he doesn't give the number to me otherwise it will be taken off him. My son's told me that his fathers partner whom they live with won't allow me on the road they live on and if I want to see my son then I have to pick him up on the main road. I haven't got his GCSE results because they were emailed to my ex husband's partner and she won't forward the email.His dad is clearly hell bent on revenge for me daring to leave him, despite being engaged to his current I am at the end of my tether and making myself ill and i worry what's next. His father is very controlling but I need my son to stand up to them otherwise where does it stop, but he won't, i end up getting cross with him and its making our relationship even worse. I'm considering telling my son that although I'll always be there for him that I can't carry on like this and that he should come back to me when he's can treat me equally and fairly. Is this the right thing to do?

Dreamfrog Thu 01-Sep-16 22:40:34

Your son is young full of hormones and being manipulated by your ex. Don't do anything , comment or react. It's going to be hard but just be there for him. Don't run your ex down to your S either. He'll come back to you just wait. Big hug is must be awful.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 01-Sep-16 22:45:07

Walk away for your own sanity. I promise your ds will sus him out soon enough. And then you can repair your relationship with your son.
Been there
Done that
Got my ds back after a year and a half.

Squirrel18 Thu 01-Sep-16 23:54:06

Thank you, it helps to know there are others out there who have gone through similar. A year and half seems to hard to bear, but will have to see out, however long it takes I suppose. I just hope that when they are in his ear telling him what a terrible mother I am for not seeing him, that he will understand. I'm scared for him and what they're going to turn my once loving and thoughtful boy into, but I have to stand back helpless. Although he knows I'll be there when hes ready, i can't help feeling I'm deserting him. But I can't carry like this i'm torturing myself. My ex husband told me before we finally separated that his wasn't interested in our son only me. I can't help but feel he is using our son as a weapon to hurt me. The anger, the hurt the helplessness, the feeling of injustice are too much to bear at times. Your right, he's got to see it for himself, just hope it sooner rather than later.

CodyKing Fri 02-Sep-16 00:04:23

What is DS doing now for school 6th form job?

Or will X fully provide for him?

Squirrel18 Fri 02-Sep-16 00:18:56

Starting at college in his dads area. Don't know a lot more than that unfortunately.

Squirrel18 Fri 02-Sep-16 00:20:24

I'm going to be paying maintenance to his dad, so sure he'll be provided for.

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