I hit my 17 year old daughter 😓

(92 Posts)
Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 18:23:17

Last night for the 1st time ever I hit my 17 year old daughter. I'm disgusted with myself. She has been more and more cruel to me since last March and I am a nurse who sustained a head injury after a patient beat me up in October; she says I've been a horrible mum since then, but I lost the ability to speak properly, wet myself, insomnia, migraine and flashbacks from a violent child hood and previous partner. She showed no empathy at all when it happened and says I'm not her mum any more. I'm better now and back at work. She has moved out and too her dads house twice before due to horrendous fights, but she doesn't apologise for any of her spoilt nasty behaviour.
I should never of hit her, but she beat me up pretty well after so I got what I deserved. I've apologised today but she's not interested and wants to live with her dad. She says I'm dead to hersad I'm broken, I've never smacked her ever and have let myself down. What can I do, last night will never be erased and no one else in my family is getting involved. I couldn't face work today, cancelled my birthday tomorrow and have begged for forgiveness and she's being more and more mean... Do I deserve this

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Sheiladerring14 Wed 31-Aug-16 19:53:29

You just said u hit your 19 year old for a different reason and never mentioned any of this in a previous thread ...??

Sheiladerring14 Wed 31-Aug-16 19:55:08

^^ haha my bad wrong oje

PortiaCastis Wed 31-Aug-16 19:56:18

Oh how very awful

AprilSkies44 Wed 31-Aug-16 20:04:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dontyoulovecalpol Wed 31-Aug-16 20:05:38

She beat you up? Let her live with her dad, this is too toxic and crazy to continue

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Wed 31-Aug-16 20:07:24

It sounds like you've had a pretty rough time of it recently and she sounds a bit self absorbed.

Did you ever have a good relationship?

She's pretty much an adult, if she's raised hands to you as well I think I'd steer clear. I don't think you are good for each other at this stage and both need to work through your own issues.


ijustwannadance Wed 31-Aug-16 20:16:01

She seems to be a very angry teen who us blaming you for whatever is going on with her.
You hit her, it was a mistake after months of shitty behaviour, but she then beat you up after what recently happened to you!? And you let her?
I would send her to dads.
Have you had counselling?

Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 20:43:28

Yeah she beat me up after I hit her

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Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 20:49:37

I'm sorry I asked my relationship has been amazing the 12 years we were alone and even when I met my husband ? It's not toxic and crazy ???? For goodness sake I'm a psychiatric nurse and comments like that could push someone to hurt themselves! I asked for guidance not judgement and I have not changed I have been recovering a head injury and psychological trauma. Had plenty counselling it just re opens old wounds .... Let her live with her dad .. Eh? Cruel cruel advice !

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Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 20:53:23

Steer clear ? She's my only child, her father is moving to New Zealand with his new family next year! Yeah she hit me ... And we screamed and shouted horrible things, does that mean you give up... I never hit my mum, she hit me and I walked out at 17 and never went back and she openly admits she favours my sister and hates me, I am no longer affected... The result of steer clear

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TrollTheRespawnJeremy Wed 31-Aug-16 20:54:02

I'm not judging at all, just attempting to give impartial advice on what might be best for you long term.

I remember being a teenager, it was horrible. I was horrible. No amount of niceness or whatnot could have fixed that, I had to go my own path and sort out my own life without my mother and her issues.

She doesn't sound sympathetic to your needs- you have been wetting yourself ffs. If she isn't displaying any sympathy to you at your lowest ebb then of course i question if she is actually a nice person who has ever cared for you- hence the question! In your own words- She beat you up pretty bad. Wtf?! That isn't normal love. It does sound unhealthy.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Wed 31-Aug-16 20:56:36

And op what happened between you and your mum is so sad. But again not normal! You've been so unlucky. I didn't know that your ex DP is moving to NZ. For her to move with him would be drastic. That said, if she is unhappy here then perhaps a large change could be better for her?

What's her life like? Is she happy apart from her relationship with you? I wonder if she is taking out her frustration on you because you are an easy target at the moment.

Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 20:59:02

She can stay at her dads yeah I'm happy she's away for a bit, yeah after my head injury (serving the NHS and I still do) she hit my head bringing on a whopper of a migraine ijustwannadance ! I'm just disappointed after 17 years she won and I lost control .. She didn't like the way I spoke after my injury. She's a proper little spoilt princess and she's been like this since after Mother's Day so say March or April. Not letting me hug her, then telling people I reject her affection; something I've never done never knowing a mothers love, I have told her daily she's loved and is beautiful and is my world

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Oakmaiden Wed 31-Aug-16 20:59:44

It must be very frightening for her too - for you to suddenly morph into a different person after the head injury.

You seem very involved in what it all meant for you (and it must have been a horrendous experience for you) but much less understanding about how it might have affected your daughter. 16 year olds (and I guess if she is 17 now, she must have been 16 when you sustained the injury) are not known for their ability to empathise with their parents even at the best of times.

Has she had any counselling?

Oakmaiden Wed 31-Aug-16 21:02:56

Also - sorry to be nosy, as ever you are not obliged to answer any questions people put to you! - do you have a partner? You mention a husband - is he around currently? How long have you been together, if so?

Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 21:03:19

We have never hit each other before and had our first major blow up in March or April this year. I have a Mother's Day cards with the most beautiful words inside as I always had.... We had a beautiful relationship until 5 months ago.... How can you say she's never loved me... You could be dangerous with that kind of impartial advice... Thank goodness I'm not depressed or a self harmer ....

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Ragwort Wed 31-Aug-16 21:07:27

You need to both cool down, let her live with her DH - take some time for yourself, try not to dwell on what happened (easier said than done I know) - yes, of course you shouldn't have hit her, but neither should she 'beat you up' shock.

Don't beg her for forgiveness, she is clearly not treating you well.

verystressedmum Wed 31-Aug-16 21:08:05

If it started after your injury I'd say she was scared and anxious etc and is reacting about that albeit in not the right way! You're all she's got and sounds like you were/are close so to see you hurt like that would have terrified her and now you're back at work where it could happen again..
Not saying her behaviour is right as it's not, it's horrendous but you feel bad enough with us piling on the criticism. But regardless, you shouldn't be getting beaten up by your child she has to see that her behaviour is just not acceptable however she's feeling.
Stop apologising for slapping her.
What about counselling for her? If my child was suddenly violent towards me and acting like this there's something very wrong and they need help.

Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 21:10:55

She loves a counsellor ! They have one at school so yeah. She is always histrionic and over the top, but oozed love until recently! I was mended a good 8 weeks before the change! She is jealous I nurse others I think. Going to NZ is not what she's ever wanted, if she went she would need to pay for uni too. I'd not see her again if she went we would be estranged I know that. But I don't recognise her, my friends have noticed how terribly she speaks to me lately... But we both need space. I'm annoyed her dads getting her a new contract phone when I have 1 year left on hers that she left here... It's ridiculous

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verystressedmum Wed 31-Aug-16 21:11:04

Also you mention a violent previous partner? How long ago were you with him?

Dragongirl10 Wed 31-Aug-16 21:11:22

Oh op my heart goes out to you...of course you shouldn't have hit her but you know that and have apologised.

It sounds like since your awful abuse at work you have struggled and she has got the upper hand...teenagers are not known for their sensitivity and understanding.

She will get over it, l had a good relationship with my parents but my mum smacked me on a very few occasions when l overstepped the mark. l was always chastened and regretful of my behaviour...at no point was l traumatised by the experience...l have has a loving relationship with them all my life.

If you and your dd have always been close you should be able to build bridges. Could a trusted friend explain to her fully how your injury had affected you and that it was out of your control, but that you are fine now.

If her behavior has worsened maybe boundaries have slipped since this disruption, and she is testing them.

Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 21:13:20

I've been with my husband 6 years married 2 1/2 ... Her dad is married with two little boys and her step mum has no patience for her and they both love slagging me off ..

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Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 21:17:07

She won't talk to anyone that doesn't take her side right now !! My family think she can do no wrong and after years of abuse from my mum she lectures me about hitting her ... I will miss her so much but she's breaking my heart too much sad I can't stop bursting into tears

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Badmum78 Wed 31-Aug-16 21:19:47

8-9 years since our break. She never saw the physical but heard the emotional but we were a team always have been and I miss that

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