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17year olds daughters boyfriend

(18 Posts)
Sprite4 Tue 30-Aug-16 14:16:06

My dd has a boyfriend who doesn't want to meet her parents, no reason why, she has tried asking him but he says it's because of things that have been said about him to me. But that was months ago when they first started going out, they've been together nearly a year now and he still comes up with excuses, I wouldn't mind but my dd wants to stay over his now and I feel like my hands are tied. I've already said yes to this as I feel like whatever I say it will be wrong. Tbh I don't know what to think anymore, I'm just wondering if it's normal not to meet your dd boyfriend or whether I'm right to be worried.

Donthateprocreate Tue 30-Aug-16 14:53:35

Why do you need to meet him?

And what things were said to you and why?

icouldabeenacontender Tue 30-Aug-16 14:57:31

I don't know if it's normal or not, but I wouldn't be keen on letting my dd stay over at the house of a man I hadn't met.

Sprite4 Tue 30-Aug-16 15:35:01

I want to meet him because he's going out with my daughter, things like he smokes weed, he isn't very nice, he gets into fights easily, this came from at least two reliable sources. I have come to not worry too much about what's been said more about why he doesn't want to meet us when he claims to love my daughter despite her asking him many times to meet us, I have actually given up asking now as its seems to fuel arguments between them but even that is questionable to me. What's the big issue with meeting me? He does seem to be having a lot of things his own way, he seems ok with my daughter but this is bothering me and I'm not sure if I should be worried

Donthateprocreate Tue 30-Aug-16 15:46:28

Yeah I totally get that. I'd want to meet him too. Just wondered if there was any other reason.

Well I can understand why he doesn't want to meet you when you've been told bad things about him. He's probably really embarrassed.

Sprite4 Tue 30-Aug-16 15:49:14

I understood he may have been embarrassed a year ago when they first started going out but now? And he still doesn't want to meet. Just baffled really, and worried for my daughter.

Donthateprocreate Tue 30-Aug-16 17:58:17

Well have you spoken to him about it? Has DD told him that the things you've heard don't bother you and you want to meet him? I'm not sure if I would be that keen on meeting someone when them and their friends have said nasty things about me. Not after one year or 10 years.

misshelena Tue 30-Aug-16 18:49:50

Sprite4 - it's totally normal to want to meet one's dd's boyfriend! It's really strange that he doesn't want to meet you. In my experience, the boyfriends usually want to meet their gf's moms because they want to make a good impression. They may be more intimidated to meet the dad, but usually they like to meet the mom. I think his resistance probably means that he isn't all that serious about your dd.

Sprite4 Tue 30-Aug-16 19:04:03

I can't talk to him because he won't talk to me, my dd has told him everything is fine, he does just keep coming up with excuses, I do agree that I don't think he is that serious which does concern me that my dd doesn't see it!, normally I wouldn't be keen on meeting someone who has heard bad things about me but at the same time I would want to put things straight if it was important to someone I care about

DiegeticMuch Thu 01-Sep-16 12:34:25

Could you invite him to something specific like a Sunday lunch in a pub,or a family bbq? As opposed to a generic "bring him round sometime, DD".

I don't think he's being very courteous or thoughtful.

Sprite4 Thu 01-Sep-16 17:07:17

Thanks but done that! He's not budging!

Izzabellasasperella Sun 11-Sep-16 14:26:28

I think I would say she is not allowed to stay at his until you have met him. I have a 17 year old dd who has a serious boyfriend and I wanted to meet him straight away nosey Mum that I am. We did meet a few weeks later and now he is like one of the family.

Sprite4 Sun 11-Sep-16 19:33:51

I did initially say she wasn't allowed to stay at his until I met him but then she felt trapped because she said I set curfews for her which tbh i did but only because i didn't want her staying and not doing anything specific. I would have been fine with her going out with her mates and not coming in til late. At this point she threatened to move out. So something or someone had to give and it was me. So I don't get a choice really,😟

Claramarion Mon 12-Sep-16 16:12:16

Your daughter is being clever and laying this quite cute. So what if you are asking to meet him, this is not unreasonable and there is no way I'd allow my daughter to sleep if is not met him.
Your daughter probably hasn't helped and repeated conversations you've had with her to him. She is only young and will not have revised
This will have made the situation worse. I would be asking your daughter does she want a future with a guy that won't meet her parents.
At 17 I didn't like anyone my parents did so this will be making everything more taboo but even so to not meet you after a year is quite severe. Have you tried adding him on FB?

Sprite4 Tue 13-Sep-16 11:11:16

Tbh I don't want to add him on fb just because I don't want to know what he is up to. I don't think he would add me anyway. I want him to decide to meet me so I'm not saying too much on the subject atm. I have spoken to my daughter about what how he sees her as he wont meet her parents and where she and he thinks of the relationship. I think she may be wondering herself now. Thanks for the comments

Carlamomof3 Tue 13-Sep-16 12:26:27

I think I'd be worried too if either of my daughters boyfriends didn't want to meet me when they started dating. My 13 year old is now in her first relationship and she was seeing her boyfriend for 2 months before I met him. Now it's like he's just a part of the family.

Thatwaslulu Fri 23-Sep-16 19:40:48

When I was 17 my parents hated my boyfriend. He worked for my dad and was 30 (and married, although he didn't tell me until we first slept together, and then he said he was separated). My mum had never met him but the thought of him made her angry. He was apprehensive about meeting my parents as my boyfriend, rather than as an employee, as we had kept our relationship secret at first, scared of my dad's reaction. Maybe your daughter's boyfriend is also scared about meeting you formally?

As it happened my parents were right about my boyfriend, he was not a very nice man. But I didn't find this out for a long time and their distrust of him only made me want him more. Be careful of pushing your daughter towards him by showing your concern - you don't want them to become a little unit of two and your relationship with her suffer.

Sprite4 Fri 23-Sep-16 22:13:04

Thanks I am watching what I say as I don't want to ruin our relationship or push them together. I was annoyed to begin with so I can understand him being apprehensive to begin with but it's been just under a year now so beginning to think that maybe she doesn't mean that much to him

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