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Help! 14yo DD explicit texts and pix - should I tell the boy's parents?

(61 Posts)
bolshieoldcow Fri 26-Aug-16 09:22:40

I'm feeling sick. I looked at the texts on DD's phone this morning and saw that she's been sexting a boy in her year. They'd had an intense non-relationship (i.e. groping, sexting etc) last term but it had stopped when she got a nice boyfriend. However, the nice boyfriend is now history and she's back to really escalated sexual talk with this other boy. She has also sent him pictures. sad shock

What do I do? If I clamp down on her phone use/freedom, won't it make the illicit relationship seem even more exciting? Should I tell the boy's parents? (they are quite religious) How do I tell her that I know what's going on and that her behaviour is inappropriate? I tried to talk to her about this when it happened before and she swore up and down that nothing was happening and she knew all the risks and wasn't interested in doing anything stupid.

WannaBeDifferent Fri 26-Aug-16 09:28:40

Oh god ! You're in a tricky situation - if you come clean and say you've looked at her phone it could start WW3 . Teenagers are programmed to become sexually aware and attracted to the opposite sex , it's just biology , but with today's technology it can get out of hand because they can type things they wouldn't say in RL.

My worry would be that her pics end up on FB, maybe have a chat with her about how she would feel if this happened.

I'm a year past this with my DD and totally understand your horror and dilemma .

featherpillow Fri 26-Aug-16 09:30:40

I have no experience in this situation but I'm guessing I would:
Definitely tell the boys parents. If they're religious, I'm assuming they'll be on side.
Not tell DD you have looked her her phone. She will hate you for it and she'll not let you get the chance to see it again.
Do you have open talks with her? She needs to know that her photos can easily end up online and all of this boys friends phone.

SlinkyVagabond Fri 26-Aug-16 09:33:55

Please see the advice here Do not let your Dd clear her memory, you need to save the messages and pics, as horrible as they are. You may need to contact the police. Sorry.

Themoleisdead Fri 26-Aug-16 09:37:24

I would speak to your DD and also to the boy's parents

SlinkyVagabond Fri 26-Aug-16 09:38:40

OP you may want to look here for advice. There's also confidential numbers to ring for help. Screen shot everything.

SlinkyVagabond Fri 26-Aug-16 09:39:33

Sorry x posted, my first post vanished.

bolshieoldcow Fri 26-Aug-16 09:40:39

Thanks feather and wannabe. Thing is, we HAVE talked (a little) about the dangers of sharing pictures. And they do this stuff at school as well. So she must know this is risky but I'm assuming she's in the teenage bubble of "that happens to other people" and "he's different, he wouldn't do that".

I don't even know how to write about this let alone talk!

I'm worried about the pictures and I'm also really sad that she has done some sexual contact stuff too although I don't think full PIV (yet). She's too young for this. And I'm angry, too, that the boy is encouraging her.

Im sorry, i'm rambling. i just don't know how to stop this.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 26-Aug-16 09:43:27

If she's taking explicit pictures then she's basically circulating child porn.

I know it will be horrible and excruciating but I would ban the phone. Give her a brick phone with no camera and a £5 top up once a week. She won't get far with that.

bolshieoldcow Fri 26-Aug-16 09:43:33


Those links are really helpful Slinky and Mole, and also utterly terrifying.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 26-Aug-16 09:44:12

This is what I would do -

Phone gets taken away -number one rule in the house is don't send anything you wouldn't be happy for your mum or teacher to see.

I would contact the school,ds's school are extremely good and in board with anything phone/ computer related. Let them contact the boy's parents.

Then I'd cry probably!

JustAnotherPoster00 Fri 26-Aug-16 09:45:18

Id suggest going to Tesco and buying a cheap non smart phone with no camera coming home handing it to her and say 'this is your new phone and you probably know why there's no camera on it'

Then give her the parental death stare

WannaBeDifferent Fri 26-Aug-16 09:45:34

did the boy ask for the pics first or did your DD send any without being asked ? It's probably difficult to acertain I guess . They are both playing with fire.

bolshieoldcow Fri 26-Aug-16 09:48:05

She is as much a part of this as he is. I think she gets a thrill out of it, and likes feeling desired. And the power she has to get a reaction from him. I don't think he's sent her any though. It's all via instagram and I haven't looked at that yet (too scared)

WannaBeDifferent Fri 26-Aug-16 09:48:16

That's a good idea JustAnother . Trying to have a conversation with teens is sometimes fruitless and you've only got to say one wrong word and it all blows up.

bolshieoldcow Fri 26-Aug-16 09:49:54

I do think I need to handle this really carefully. I don't just want to take away the opportunity to do the sexting - I want her to change. I want her not to want to find a way to do it.

WannaBeDifferent Fri 26-Aug-16 09:53:22

in the olden days when I was a teen , way before mobiles and computers , we used to flirt outrageously with boys , it's normal but nowadays with phones , Internet and social media it can all go horribly wrong very quickly.

Maybe bite the bullet and say something like ' I see your pics are doing the rounds ' to scare her . Oh god , maybe not though as she'll blame the boy !

WannaBeDifferent Fri 26-Aug-16 09:56:08

Sorry for the rubbish advice Op !

Right, you are her Mum and the adult in this and you are only doing your job to keep her safe , so maybe you will have to come clean and tell her you know what she's doing. Jesus ! I agree that it needs handling carefully though .

alwaysinamuddle Fri 26-Aug-16 10:02:00

Go back a decade or so and I was just like your daughter. My mum did call the police, they had "a word" with the lad involved but nothing official happened. I had my phone confiscated, was grounded, and then ran away to see the lad.

Talk to her, but don't go in all guns blazing.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 26-Aug-16 10:13:43

I would do the basic phone thing as well. Zero tolerance then as she matures she'll probably realise how stupid she's been.

bolshieoldcow Fri 26-Aug-16 10:13:48

wannabe all advice is welcome and appreciated!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 26-Aug-16 10:14:54

I agree about not going in all guns blazing, calm and to the point is the way to go.

quickquicknamechange Fri 26-Aug-16 10:16:58

A nice anecdote for her.

Just last week a local teenage boy and his girlfriend broke up. She posted a pic of his penis on FB. He then posted a video of them having sex on her parents dining room table. They are both 15.

Video had been viewed thousands of times before it was taken down.

Police are involved and the whole town is talking about it.

bolshieoldcow Fri 26-Aug-16 10:22:02

Oh that's awful, QQNC. Horrendous. It's the stuff of my nightmares - the behaviour in the first place and then the public shaming at a really vulnerable period. sad

Missgraeme Fri 26-Aug-16 10:24:54

Invite him for tea. When she is out of the room tell him u have seen pics of his penis and would prefer them not to arrive on your dd phone again. I doubt he will tell her and doubt he will send anymore pics.

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