Blended Family - Close to destruction(33 Posts)
My partner and I of 4 years have just bought a house and moved in together a month ago.
We were next door neighbours so living basically together with our own space was pretty much how we lived. We have 4 children between us, 2 are 22 years of age and the other 2 are 17 years of age. My partner was very resistant to move in together until our 17 year old children had moved out. After 4 years, I was in a position to buy a house and didn't want to miss my opportunity. My partner chose to come with me on this adventure.
We were practically living together in the last 2 years of our relationship. His unit was basically a chill pad for his 17 year old, I will call him SS2, who could come and go when he pleased and could invite his mates over with no issue to his father.
First week into our new home, SS2 wanted to have some friends over, my partner had a fear of me trying to control what his children did, so I said, no worries.
Everyone was behaving and there was not much to worry about.. 1am in the morning, my bedroom door flies open and here is this teenage kid standing in the doorway. Obviously under the influence, he comes at me while I am sitting in my bed. My partner and I restrain him and my partner takes him home with 3 other friends. As I get up, I smell the distinct odour of drugs wafting up the staircase.. I am very anti-drug and there had been a discussion that there would be no smoking in the house.
Fast forward 3 weeks, I am still smelling drugs within the garage and downstairs, my partner getting angry at me for constantly bringing it up rather than his children who are continuing to disobey our rules.
We come home one night and my partners motorbike is gone, frantic, we call the police to report it stolen, just to find out that my DS has taken the bike. I am beside myself.. My son would not even move my bike without asking let alone steal a bike. My son and the bike are found safe and sound. My son claims he stole it to kill himself, I'm hysterical to hear that. So in my life right now I find that my son is trying to harm himself, my partner is upset that DS stole his bike and wants him charged with theft, and his children continue to smoke drugs in the home, which led to someone kid violating my personal space.
Now, today, my partner and I are divided, and it is all through our children. I strongly believe that my partner and I need to stick together and support each other, but, my partner seems to not have a back bone and continues to be nice to the children, even DS, and distant with me.. What is supposed to be my next move.....
You knew your DSS2 used his father's home as a crash pad.
You had a rose-tinted view of buying a home as an 'adventure'.
So you allowed previously reluctant DP to come along with his DC. (When did he stop being reluctant? When there was a prospective asset? )
Are you seriously surprised that this isn't going swimmingly?
Please say that the house is in your sole name.
Thank you for your response. Yes I knew that he had got together with his friends, I didn't mind it and encourage it. They were always quiet and never disruptive. Did I know he was doing drugs.. NO. I had no idea that my partner would allow his 17 year old to do that. We had previously discussed concerns and rules that would need to be in place going forward. Smoking (cigarettes) was one of things we agreed would not happen in the home as we are not smokers.
The adventure to buy the house was solely my own. When he knew that I had found a place, he new that our arrangement of living together was no longer going to happen so I guess, he felt it was time to take the plunge.
I always knew there were going to be issues at the beginning, but, we are talking about 2 extreme events that I never considered in my wildest dreams would happen, so I hope it does not appear I had a 'rose-tinted view'. I am well aware of the situation I am in.
Yes, the house is in my name and if anyone leaves it will be him.
My child is only little but I'll throw my 2 pence out there.
I think your Dss2 is taking the piss smoking drugs in your house when it isn't something you partake in and are against. After all it is your house. I moved out when I was 18 as I didn't want to follow my parents rules.
Your son is no angel for stealing the bike but he clearly needs abit of help not to be arrested. A cry for help is totally different to blatant drug taking in my opinion.
Is there any way you could compromise? Dss2 can smoke his shit outside if he doesn't behave unreasonable? And turn a blind eye? Otherwise it's the highway for him unless he does it away from your home. Again it's up to you.
I do think you've been optimistic.
What was the deal with the the person bursting into the bedroom? That's strange.
Thanks again to everyone..
StarBurger, I knew there was going to be adjustments. Dss2 has to adjust that there are rules in place where he probably did have run of the unit before. His father needs to reinforce those rules. the 22 years olds mentioned do not live with us, but his eldest comes to visit often and brings the drugs with him. I now dispose of any drug related items as soon as I find them, hoping to discourage them bringing it to my home.
After that night of the party, my compromise was that they can smoke outside, understanding that everyone had to compromise something, but, unfortunately, they couldn't stick to their side of the bargain.
Meowli, My son thought I didn't want him hence he going to hurt himself.. why? Because I could see him making bad choices and after 18 months basically said to him that if can't stay within the rules of the house there's the door, hoping it would wake him up. I am sure there is more to it but, that was the final straw for him I think. He obviously didn't hurt himself on the bike, so I sincerely hope the call for help has been answered and he can now move forward and be positive in his life.
Just5mins... The boy who came to the party had taken mushrooms for the first time and was hallucinating.
I am not saying I am the perfect person. I don't want my relationship being ruined by our children. I am hoping someone can give me an idea of something i haven't tried to keep this relationship going..
* I strongly believe that my partner and I need to stick together and support each other*
That appears to mean I strongly think my partner should agree with my views.
It's always the same old story. Two families move in together as one, but one of the parties does not set down a rule of respect between children (or in this case near adults) to respect the new party. This DP is allowing his DC to piss all over the OP, either because he doesn't respect her himself or has lost control over his children or both.
OP I think you need to state your boundaries clearly and discuss them. Although right now I understand you need to focus on your DS and find out what's going on in his head.
Sometimes you don't find out what spine someone has or hasn't till it's too late.
No.... That means, my partner and I should work as a team... Honestly, I feel like I am the one being judged here...
toffeenose - Thank you for your response.
DP has a fear that his child will be restricted therefore, DC will not come and see him anymore. We all know this will not be the case, but, I understand it's a valid fear DP has.
I will attempt a conversation with DP tonight and reinforce that I do not want to restrict anyone, however, all parties involved need to respect that there had to be change and that I hope we can be a unified team on the same page...
Yes, it's always that they fear setting down any rules will mean they will see less of their child. It's not restricting a child to teach them how the world works and how people like to be treated. If his DC loses his cool crash pad he will be annoyed and seek one elsewhere so yes he will see less of him overall, but as his father he should be more worried about his long-term development into a decent young man.
I really think you need to be focusing on your son being suicidal. That's really priority number one. If that means partner needs to move out for awhile, fine. But don't underestimate him because he didn't go through with it this time. It's a proven fact that some suicidal people do practice runs to give themselves the nerve to follow through. It's not something he's 'gotten out of his system' and can now move forward with his life. It doesn't work that way.
This was the cry for help, not the conclusion to his issues.
How on earth can you be an effective parent, if you don't set any rules or boundaries for fear your kids might not not it/will see less of you. That's lame and a non starter IMO
Living next door to any future DP rather than with them sounds absolutely ideal to me. Could you go back to that?
Thank you toffeenose. your feedback is greatly appreciated
Thanks for your comments Special Agent. Again, I feel like I am the one doing something wrong here. Do not think my son is not my first priority, he is my world.
I have set aside time for my son everyday, I take time off work to be with him and we are going to see a counselor every week.
I worry about him every minute I am not with him. I have worked with young people at risk.. It is harder when it's your own son.
Thank you Mjingaxx - I agree, but, I don't want to interfere with the way DP raises his children, as mentioned before they are basically adults. I put forward my thoughts when I am asked but that is it, the only exception was that I didn't want smoking in the house, which my partner agreed to as he doesn't smoke either.
Thank you Marmalade - Unfortunately no, as I have bought this house, my partner will need to move to a different location.
I think you have had a name change fail OP? I am a bit confused
I don't think you can 'not interfere with the way your partner raises his children' when they're living in the same house as you. It's clear you have very different parenting approaches, and, if you can't bring them into line with each other, you living together isn't going to work. If your partner isn't willing to crack down on your DSS's behavior or ask him to move out, then I think you're at the end of the road as regards living together to be honest. Do you think you could continue a relationship if he moved back out again?
Thank you VimFuego, this is the only issue we have had with DSS2. As he has is own space down stairs I very rarely see him. When I do he is always polite and pleasant to me. Always has been. I hope after our conversation with DP tonight, I can see a future.
I wouldn't want to see it over with DP as I care for him greatly, deep down he is a lovely man but, if he was to move out, I do believe that would be the end.
You can't just be there when it's all roses.. There are times you need someone beside you when things aren't so good.
I apologise if I came across like I was saying your son wasn't your first priority, of course he is!
I just have mental health issues myself, and at that age is when a lot come out. I was merely concerned because you commented that you hoped this would be the end, when sadly, it's likely just the start.
No judgement here!
A lot going on and it all sounds upsetting.
However, none of the incidents you describe are exactly unknown territory to owners of teenagers . I think you need to calm down and look at everything with a bit of perspective .
Are you generally quite reactive do you think? There is something about your description of buying your house as an 'adventure'. The description of funding the bike gone..,
It seems to me that your priority should be whatever is going on with your own DS. Why did he want to kill himself? How does he feel about your DP moving into your new house? Was it a story because your DP was all about getting him prosecuted ? Why did your DS do something so apparently out of character, or why is he feeling suicidal?
Teens getting high, behaving in an out of order way: who knew!
Neither of you seem to have any understanding or compassion for the other's DS's. How is this for the boys ? How does your DSS2 feel about his Dad having relinquished his home for yours?
Was your DP's original reluctance based on feelings about your DS? Or concerns about yours for his?
Thank you SpecialAgent, I appreciate that.
ParkingLottie - thank you for your feedback. I will try and answer the best I can without writing a novel...
Am I reactive? I do wear my heart on my sleeve. If I am upset about something I do show it. Do I get upset at the drop of a hat? No. The term adventure was a play on words, being beside myself about DP's bike stolen, yes, I was feeling that way at the time. It was not just the fact that the bike was stolen, it was all these issues that were occurring all in a span of 3 weeks and knowing my DP would not cope with any more stress. I hope that explains it.
As you can imagine, there would be a number of factors I haven't mentioned in my posts.
If you wonder why do I hate the idea of drugs around young people.. My partner (my childrens father) died of a drug overdose.. so, is it personal?, very much so. Do I want my children around drugs and see my children potentially go through that, especially with DS in his current state.. of course not.
Both the boys were spoken to in regards to buying a house. Everyone had a say on whether they wanted to do it or not. DP would not have ever moved if DSS2 didn't want it. I can guarantee that. If DSS2 said to leave me, to make him happy, DP would. It was DP's own feelings that made him reluctant in the first place, not DSS2. That I have been made aware of anyway.
Even after the move, I always checked in with DS to see how he was feeling. At the counselling session DS tells us that he just felt he wasn't wanted nor loved by me. Even though I know how I feel about DS, my job now is to make sure he does know.
Parkinglottie the behaviour is normal but the problem is the parental reaction to it. If their dad is nodding and smiling and unwilling or unable to compel them to adhere to the basic rules and refrain from taking drugs in the house (not exactly draconian) then that's the problem.
What you just said changes everything IMO. However I do think there's a big difference between pot and.. Well, everything else. Mushrooms can be very dangerous. Do you mind me asking if it's just marijuana that is being smoked? As someone who has been there, done that, got the shirt with pretty much every drug ever made, I wouldn't feel safe in a house with someone doing psychedelics, even if I knew them. All it takes sometimes is a bad mood when ingesting the drug and the person can hallucinate very disturbing things.
Does your stepson know how your children's father died? I'm guessing your partner does. I don't know if I could forgive the lack of respect to my loss they are displaying in these circumstances.
I'd also be concerned the drug taking was making things harder for your DS. Perhaps the constant drug paraphernalia and smells are bringing things back for him?
I say all this as someone who semi regularly smokes pot, BTW.
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