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Teenager children in a divorced situation

(16 Posts)
user1470735458 Tue 09-Aug-16 10:58:31

I have a 17 and 16 year old. Been split since they were 4/5. I am struggling with so many issues regarding them, they are good kids deep down. However their father is their "mate" letting them do most things without question. The battle is a constant as I am seen as the " strict/unfair/unreasonable" parent. We have fairly strict rules but nothing major. The latest situation has devastated me. The father is allowing them to have a motorbike, borrowing money off their grandma. My fears are not listened to and when I say anything I am ignored. I am at a loss. They were meant to come to me yesterday for a week and not come, no call or text but they spent the day with my stepson out. I am just finding it one huge battle. I guess I am reaching out here for advice on how to cope with a man who disregards anything the boys mum feels or thinks. And on that note all I can say is I feel unloved, disrespected and not cared about.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Tue 09-Aug-16 11:00:49

What are your fears Op?

Jazmin1234 Tue 09-Aug-16 12:06:25

My fears are losing my children. Their respect. Their physical presence. And being killed on the motorbikes their father is allowing them to borrow money for when one of them hasn't even got a job.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Tue 09-Aug-16 12:15:12

Ok.

You said you feel as if everything is a huge battle. In an attempt to having a more harmonious relationship could you ease up on being the strict parent? If it's that that makes them not want to be with you. Do you have the kind of relationship where communication is easy and open? What is more important to you, your rules ( I'm not saying they are anything out of the norm) or your relationship. Obviously it's not working as things are so are you willing to make changes to help improve things?

Missgraeme Tue 09-Aug-16 12:22:29

I am in the same boat. 3 ds. 16,15&12. Middle ds was expelled last year (in his words too much freedom and dad is a shit parent) I was kept put of the loop totally. He said he would home school him. Seemed to be going OK. 9 months later turns out ex has been falsifying work to local authority!! Ds has realised this is wrong at last and moved full time with me and starts school here in Sept. I am afraid all u can do is bide your time till they can see for themselves how things should be. Never stop including /inviting them in your plans. Support them as best u can but u are entitled to share your concerns about their ob errors of judgment also! I have said to mine just because dad provides more material things doesn't make him a better parent! Older 2 have worked that out - just waiting for last one to see the light!

Jazmin1234 Tue 09-Aug-16 12:34:33

We have a very open, honest relationship. When I say strict, I mean be in for a certain time, take a key, have respect for house rules and for everyone in it. The basic fact is they get away with more there. They have a gaming computer set up, no bed time rule as such. I am a parent first And a friend second. My boys love me I know. I am not a perfect parent however they are my priority.My post was to seek others maybe in the same position who could give advice in a positive manner, Not to be critiqued thank you.

Jazmin1234 Tue 09-Aug-16 12:37:07

Missgraeme thanks for your reply..your Situation sounds challenging but take your advice onboard. Biding time is all I can do!

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Tue 09-Aug-16 12:43:41

I wasn't critiquing you Ffs, just trying to understand your situation and perhaps ( given I have 3 adult sons) help. Your rules sound fine except the bedtime malarkey at 16/17 that's just ridiculous.

Jazmin1234 Tue 09-Aug-16 12:56:17

Well again your insults and FFS aren't welcome. So with due respect you're free to leave the thread.

Jazmin1234 Tue 09-Aug-16 13:00:37

Well after careful thought I joined this site for help and advice. Not to have letters implicating swearing And critique. My feelings on threads have been confirmed that you post an honest thread And people feel they have a right to say whatever they like without consideration. I shall be deleting my post And account. Enjoy spending your time on your pedestal.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Tue 09-Aug-16 13:22:37

You post an honest thread on an open forum and you get honest replies.
Flounce away 😉

pasanda Tue 09-Aug-16 15:38:09

OP - you are being utterly ridiculous!

I did not read one bit of criticism into Painted's post. You, unfortunately have interpreted it as such (easy to do when you can't hear tone of voice). And shot yourself in the foot because now you won't get any more opinions/advice from other people - this board is SO supportive and you have lost your chance.

confused

Diamogs Wed 10-Aug-16 09:18:50

Jazmin this is a straight talking no-nonsense site with kind posters giving good advice.

It's not fluffy - if you want that you need to go to NetMums.

There was no criticism in Painted's post, just wise questions / advice aimed at helping you.

Don't throw a strop and flounce like most teens do stick around and you will get a lot of support.

There is no doubt that it is difficult when you and ex have very different parenting approaches and you feel like the sensible boundaries that you are putting in, are being constantly undermined, and their safety and wellbeing put at risk.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Sat 13-Aug-16 10:05:13

OP if you are this touchy with your teenagers I'm not surprised there are problems.

I would be terrified if my teens/early 20s children got motorbikes, so I do sympathise. You will need to talk it through with your ex and sons though and explain your fears calmly. In your position I would be making sure they have good quality safety gear on, the bike is well-maintained and paying for them to take a safety course or advanced driving course.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Sat 13-Aug-16 10:06:25

I would then save like mad to help them buy a car. Much safer.

notmrscookie Sun 21-Aug-16 03:45:59

Just about to make my two life a misery by locking them out of kitchen and lounge as they are rude, messy and selfish.my home is a prison with them around due to similar issues with there dad.

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