Is this fair?

[Beezles]

I find it hard to know when I am being fair, too soft or overly strict so I need help with this.

DD 18 was due to come away on 3-generation annual family holiday this Sat, and leave early to go to festival. She had made done grumbles but agreed that if she left on Tues she would go. She adores her granny (who has just bought her an expensive cat suit for the festival) and these are nice holidays. I have arranged mid hol lifts for her to and from the station and other arrangements took her into account (bedrooms, food).

She works 4 hours a week but hasn't saved enough for festival food and transport. For this and last festival I let her earn it by doing jobs I needed done.

She's just told he she's justt coming, 3 days notice. I an furious and said I won't be giving her jobs do she can sort out het own cash. Am I being unfair/ overreacting ? She is both kind and sensible but also blubdingky selfish at times....

[Beezles]

Sorry for typos!

[MiddleClassProblem]

She isn't coming to the family thing? Why?

[MrsJayy]

Im really sorry im confused Is she going to the festival or not im not sure what you are asking

[MrsJayy]

Oh she isnt going on holiday I would be annoyed why isnt she going ?

[Beezles]

Sorry. She had just said she's not coming. She says she's an adult and can choose not to....I guess she's doing it because she fancies the house to herself and more time yo 'get ready' for the festival....

[SugarPlumTree]

I think you're being fair. Your agreement to pay her for jobs to earn money for the festival was based on her coming on the family holiday. She isn't holding up her end of the deal so forfeits the money to my mind.

What are her reasons for not coming?

[Beezles]

Sorry...poor eyesight so bad typing. She says she never confirmed she was going!

[MammouthTask]

Yes you are fair.
Being an adult and choosing what to do also means being responsible and not letting g people down with such a short notice. She wound t do that to a friend. She doesn't get to it to family either.

[fastdaytears]

Well I'd be pretty furious and losing the festival money would be the least of her worries.

She can't be an adult when she feels like it and then take money from you when she doesn't feel like being an adult.

Does she really only work 4 hours a week?

[Beezles]

I am so cross I can't think straight but there wasn't a direct agreement that she would get cash if she came. The two were separate. Still fuming but maybe I'm just being emotional?

[SugarPlumTree]

Just seen your last post. If she's going down the she's an adult route then she as an adult needs to fund herself.

Top tip from me is to keep utterly calm about this and give her conscience a chance to kick in. We had a big family holiday booked with the idea that it would be our kas pt one. DD then moved abroad and said she wouldn't be coming. We went on Sunday and are here, DD is too having had a last minute change of heart 4 days before which nvolved last minute flights but we got her here.

[MrsJayy]

Being an adult also means doing something you said you would I have an 18yrold and i would be angry and give her no money for the festival she obviously fancied the holiday when it was booked.

[Beezles]

She has an evening job for 4 hours whilst she did her exams and plans on working more after the summer to save for travelling

[MrsJayy]

Actually at this late stage i would pull rank and tell her its paid for she is coming or she can pay her holiday share ive had mine pull the Im an adult card before

[Beezles]

Thank you all. She turns things round to suit her position and I get tied up in right/ wrong knots. Also I think this might be last en masse holiday as her brother is off to uni etc. I feel very emotional about it all.

[SugarPlumTree]

I'd go with the as an adult you are entitled to make your own choices but your decisions have an impact on others. Granny is upset now as was looking forward to us all being together so I will be using the money I was giving to pay you for the festival to take her out and do some nice things so as an adult you will need to find the money you need.

[Jayfee]

Well the adult thing is to come on holiday as adults don't break arrangements at such short notice. I, however,entirely understand an 18 year old not wanting to holiday with parents and grandparents. I am probably gping to get shouted at, but I would talk to her,say how important it was to ypu, but that this would be the last family holiday. I would also offer her an extra hundred pounds. Ok now lots of people will say i am wrong. The good thing is that when they get to their 30s they start to appreciate their parents again!

[SugarPlumTree]

Do get the feeling emotional about it totally Calmness is the key here if you can pull it off, hard though.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I'd tell her how it will be a shame as there aren't many opportunities to get everyone together and it's just for a couple of days. I'd tell that you can't force her to go and she is an adult but it's just a few days and will really mean a lot to granny

[MrsJayy]

You need to take a step back dont speak to her now maybe take yourself off somewhere to calm down.

[Beezles]

She's twxyex to say she is I'll and stressed and should be allowed to deal with it by syyaying at home

[Beezles]

Texted....staying

[Beezles]

Sorry. Typing us not my forte.

[Beezles]

Thanks....she says there was no option not to come and she never agreed(!). I just texted to say I leave it with her. I just can't argue with a different reality. Thanks for so much sane advice. I don't have a straight head on. I took dd to France just her and me last week for few days. It was lovely and I spoiled her. It seems all back to zero again after a rocky few years. Bloody menopause and emotions too!!he

[Lilaclily]

I think sugarplumtree has the best response
I wouldn't make her go but I would let her know granny will be upset