15YO dd with NO friends, really upset.(22 Posts)
I don't know why, she's a nice kid. She's a little alternative, not into makeup and duck face selfies at all, infact she doesn't use Facebook. She's into gaming.
She had a group of friends but one girl didn't like her and in year 9 basically made the group choose between them and they all chose the other girl. I told dd to try and find new friends at school but she says that although people will chat to her she can't really "break in" to already established groups.
There's a few girls she talks about more than others and she sent them a message (whatsapp I think) asking if they want to go into town one day next week and nobody has replied. Dd says they've seen the message.
She's had a group of "internet" friends for a few years. They all play on the same gaming sever and get on well until last week. Dd and another girl had some sort of row and dd has now been kicked out the chat group. These are girls she has spoken to every evening for years and two she has met in real life and they were supposed to be meeting up at ComicCon next week.
Dd is really upset about this. She sent them a message saying she wanted to put the arguement behind them and wanted to sort stuff out. They messaged her back saying they don't know if they can trust her. The arguement was only about someone building a treehouse on a game to close to someone else!!!
Dd has been crying for three days and gouged some chunks out her arms and legs with her nails and is saying she wants to die!
Ive told her to send them another message but if they choose to cut her out there's nothing else I can do.
Dd does a hobby on Saturdays and she gets on ŵith the girls there while she's there but again hasn't made any friends.
I keep telling her that Uni will be different and she will meet people with similar interests. But that's 3 years away!
This age is hideous, my DD same age has had a similar incident , fell out with one girl in her group who then made the rest choose they all chose her so DD was pushed out. So now it's the summer holidays and DD is skulking around bored I have made suggestions but they were rejected. It's so difficult as there is very little you can do but hope things get better.
It may take her a bit longer to find her people.
Push her to volunteer, after school activities, if she has her NI number, then part time job.
Don't let her wallow in her room
It's hard, but try to show her in a gentle way that its not good to give too much of herself in regards to friendship's.
Oh poor love. Nine World's still has tickets available if you're near London, and may be a good place to meet like minded teens.
Damn you Autocorrect! "Nine Worlds"
Don't forget the school has a duty to your daughter to tackle the bullying she's experiencing. Get down there and demand some answers, it's not the 90s any more (echos of my own school days, sorry).
And get some professional advice on how to help her if she's self harming - don't just hope it'll go away.
Another vote for just getting her out there and active - rock climbing clubs, archery, canoeing, sailing, any place where there are kids her age and they have to be a team and keep each other safe (builds trust, confidence etc). Even the guides have a senior section.
Also youth choirs, volunteering, so many opportunities to just get out there and get a fresh perspective on life. Even if she really, really doesn't want to to begin with.
Is she friends with any boys? At my school, the geekier kids all just muck in together, boys and girls. Whether they go to engineering club, chess, gaming or helping in the library, there's no gender divide. Same as at ds's school - he has as many girl friends as boys - but I believe the cooler kids are more segregated. It might be a nice break not to be chasing female friendships for a while.
thanks everyone. She's quite shy as well and says she doesn't like organised activities, so has refused all ideas of guides, police cadets, duke of Edinburgh, etc.
We live in quite a small city so not much going on, will have a Google to see if there's any inventor clubs, etc.
Sorry to hear this. It's so hard for those not into what everyone else is, but there must be somewhere she can meet more likeminded friends. As others have suggested there are def techy/gaming clubs around. My DD has always struggled with friendships, last summer was the worst, but things have improved recently as she has made more effort in various ways. She's not geeky, but she's quite quirky and reserved.
Ive been googling today and there are no techy/gaming clubs in the area. Looks like it's guides/scouts/army cadet type stuff only. None of which she will consider.
She's been talking to one of her online friends today and that girl says she's tried to tell the others to start talking to dd again and they said they might but didn't sound too sure.
I have talked to HoY at school before who basically said she can't make girls be friends with dd which I guess is true.
She's not friends with any boys either. There's boys she will happily chat to in class but not close enough for out of school stuff.
No hackers pace near here but thanks.
One of the online girls has just been chatting to dd saying the others have set up a new online chat group which dd is blocked from. They've also blocked dd from seeing if they're online or not.
She's been totally Wendied. She's been friends with them for 4 years and then this one girl joined them last year and seems to have turned the others against her.
I was exactly the same as your DD - I was socially awkward and probably a bit young for my age and didn't have many friends at 15.
It all changed after college and when I got a part-time job.
I'd really advise her to get a Saturday job in a shop where she likes to shop (the discount should be an incentive!) as soon as she is old enough. The terrible bosses, awful customers and long hours bond you in to a rag-tag band
Then after that, she has college and uni where everyone is a lot less shy and awkward and it is a lot easier to meet people.
As well, I imagine a big part of them problem isn't that people don't like her or that she doesn't fit in - it's that the people she would naturally bond with are also slightly outsiders and insular, so are less forward by nature.
I know she won't believe this, but life will get easier after school. Also, by self-harming all she is doing is harming herself (well, yes duh…). I had stupid scars on my arms for years and years after my forays in to it. It really doesn't make anything better.
You can encourage her to release her bad feelings safely. She could pummel a big cushion with her fists or hit a pillow with a tennis racquet. Or put on loud music and dance. You want her to be self-caring not self-harming.
She does get on with people, it doesn't always progress to close friendship, frustrating as that may be; something that dawned on me around the same age.
There must be some new group she can meet up with, away from her usual peers? Volunteering can help with confidence and is a plus later on in a Personal Statement when applying for jobs or further education.
Sending deepest sympathy. Have a DS same age, same problem.
Not a fantastic reply from your DD's HoY.
Hope things get easier xxx
I think this is common in this age group.
My dd went through it, but what saved her was moving to sixth form college after GCSEs.
Your dd is being bullied though, and the school should be addressing this. Ask for a copy of the school's antibullying policy and go through it line by line. Document events. If the HOY is not prepared to address this, write to HT. Then if no progress, cc the governers.
No advice but same here. Moving to new college for sixth form and hoping it will be the magic answer.
So sorry to hear this. My word kids can be so mean.
Is there any other children that she knows in the class? How old is she? My dd has had this when she went into year 10 and was moved away from her friends. Luckily some of the girls like the same tv show as her so that's worked well for her.
Hope the situation gets better ASAP x
I could have written this aout dsd 3 years ago. She was very socially awkward due to her mum making her stay of school a lot when she was very small. She missed so much (never attended nursery) that she didn't know how to be around other children. When she came to live with us we did everything we could to encourage friendships. Horseriding, football, youth groups, play dates. Nothing worked because emotionally she was 3 or so years behind her peers. Eventually she chose to do a gaming btec at college and met like minded boys and girls and really grew in confidence, even getting a part time job. She is almost 19 now and has moved back to live with her mum, she actually met a boy online and is dating him, she just blossomed later than others.
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