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My sons girlfriend is pregnant

(22 Posts)
ProbablyMe Sat 23-Jul-16 12:19:39

My ex H found out last night that our DS2's GF is pregnant. About 7 weeks. They are both 17. They been together less than 2 months. I'm walking round like a zombie today with so many things going through my head, I just feel so deeply in shock. My youngest is only 11 weeks old.

My DP and I came back from taking the children on holiday yesterday and DS2 didn't let on anything at all all week. He was completely normal - chatty, playing with his baby brother, no clue at all. I've been through so much with him - drugs, bad behaviour at school and college - and I thought we were close. I am so sad that he couldn't talk to me.

I've messaged him at his dad's to say that my DP and I will support him and his girlfriend whatever she chooses - I've also reiterated to my ex and DS that it is entirely her decision and that our DS will have to support her no matter what - apparently my DS would rather she didn't have the baby but he does fully accept that it's her decision and that he cannot walk away from the situation. I won't let him! His dad however isn't replying to any messages at all and I feel completely shut out.

I don't know his GF as he's been rather cagey about her but I did have "the talk" again with him when I first found out he had a GF. I do know where she lives as I've given him lifts to and from before. I don't want to turn up on the doorstep but I do want to let her and her parents know that I will do anything they want to support their daughter. I was wondering about writing a short letter saying this and giving my contact details and putting it through the door? This must be such a shock to them and I don't want to stick myself in where I'm not wanted.

I feel like my guts have been wrenched inside out. They've both been so silly to end up in this situation and neither of them fully understand the lifelong consequences of whatever decision she chooses to make.

WhisperingLoudly Sat 23-Jul-16 12:25:58

You sound like you're handling it really well. I think a letter is a good idea but suggest you address it to the GF not her parents

titchy Sat 23-Jul-16 12:33:22

No letter. She may not have told her parents, nor may she want to. Text her?

Afreshstartplease Sat 23-Jul-16 12:35:45

What a shock for you op

feckthemall Sat 23-Jul-16 12:37:53

I would feel the exact same as you op and kudos to you for the way you are handling it.

feelingmiffed Sat 23-Jul-16 12:42:19

Oh what a shock sad

I agree, I wouldn't contact her parents yet as they may not know

ProbablyMe Sat 23-Jul-16 12:42:45

She has told her parents. Apparently they and my DS have known for 2-3 weeks now. My DS just didn't know how to tell anyone.

I agree about writing to her not her parents - this is about her not anyone else. I just want her to know that we (DS's family) are fully and unconditionally supportive.

I don't know whether I'm coping or not. I'm torn between crying, feeling numb and trying to be practical. If I wasn't breastfeeding I think I may have cracked open the wine by now. No glass, just the bottle and a straw!!

Afreshstartplease Sat 23-Jul-16 12:50:40

Has your ds spoken to his gf about what she wants to do?

Whathaveilost Sat 23-Jul-16 12:51:19

Let yourself calm down first.
No letters or text.
You don't know how gf is feeling and although it is your business she'll have a lot on her mind with out that in the mix.

Please don't mention it to her parents. As others have said, she may not have told them and you look like you are interfering.

ProbablyMe Sat 23-Jul-16 13:03:23

Ok I won't write - although as I said her family do know. My DS has spoken to her she's not sure what she wishes to do. He hasn't and won't force his personal opinion on her and accepts it's entirely up to her.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 24-Jul-16 10:01:59

I wouldn't be upset your ds didn't tell you as obviously hadn't a clue what to do. Can he bring his gf around so you can tell her that she has your support face to face. Its not an easy time. Take it step by step.

littledrummergirl Sun 24-Jul-16 17:01:54

They've been together less than eight weeks and she is seven weeks pregnant.

I'd be thinking a paternity test is a good idea when the babies born before putting ds name on the birth certificate.

LBOCS2 Sun 24-Jul-16 17:05:04

7 weeks pregnant means she conceived 5 weeks ago.

VimFuego101 Sun 24-Jul-16 17:05:10

Weeks pregnant is calculated from the date of your last period, even though you only actually conceive two weeks later. So while a paternity test may be wise, I would tread very carefully around how you suggest it to your son and be sure you understand the dates first.

Petal40 Sun 24-Jul-16 17:09:41 wondering ,are you 100% sure it's yr sons baby...could she of been pregnant before they met and she's telling him it's his

KindDogsTail Sun 24-Jul-16 17:17:40

You are doing so well telling your son you will support him and his girlfriend no matter what she decides, especially as you have a tiny baby yourself and must be so very shocked.

Keep reassuring your son, but leave it up to him and his girlfriend to think it over at least for a little while before you say anything directly to her - just in case she interprets anything you say as pressure one way or another. Your son will tell her your are on their side.

Now try to look after yourself and your little baby after all this shock flowers That is what will be best for everyone.

LouisCK Sun 24-Jul-16 17:18:49

Do not make any comment about the paternity of this baby to your DS AT ALL. This is fucking appalling advice hmm. The decision might be made to terminate the pregnancy so it's unnecessary at this time.

OP - you'll be OK. I have BTDT - and my DS and his GF didn't tell me until she was 6 months - it was a terrible shock so I totally understand how you're feeling. I cried a lot, it felt like grief but then I pulled myself together a bit and realised that there are lots and lots of more terrible things than the birth of a little baby. Be kind to yourself while you get over the shock. flowers

My GD is the absolute apple of my eye - did I want to be a Nana at 40? Nope - but she has brought so much joy to our family. I promise it will be alright.

ProbablyMe Sun 24-Jul-16 18:00:20

I wouldn't make those comments! Besides, he's admitted they slept together pretty much right away. I know how the dates work though having spent large stretches of the last two and half years trying to conceive myself. My guess is they were together about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks when she conceived.

I've still not managed to talk to DS in person - he decided to live with his dad in April because he didn't like me pulling him up on his behaviour (had a previous thread about him) and his dad treats him like the sun shines from his proverbial - he and his dad are being rather evasive currently. DS has an interview for an apprenticeship tomorrow and I've asked to pick him up from his dad's so we can talk on Tuesday.

I'm still in shock really although I keep feeling enormous anger towards my DS.

ProbablyMe Sun 24-Jul-16 18:01:29

Thank you Louis - I don't really want to be a grandma now but if that's what life is giving me then I'll be a fecking good one (if I'm allowed to be).

LouisCK Sun 24-Jul-16 18:10:26

Ah lovely. The anger is totally, totally normal - especially if he's been difficult lately (yep - my DS was the same. 17 is a fucking terrible age!)

Is your partner supportive? Do you have lots of people you can safely rant to? I did LOTS of talking to friends and family, lots of crying, lots of shouting! It truly was a horrible time - you are dealing with it beautifully, even if it doesn't feel like that. Just keep the door open to him, try and be as non-judgemental as you can be TO HIM - judge away to yourself and friends though wink - and be kind to yourself. Lots of whatever makes you feel better. Shame about the wine, mind! Could you not have a couple of glasses and express?!

rainbowunicorn Mon 25-Jul-16 17:08:13

You sound like a wonderful supportive mum OP and I am sure your son and his girlfriend will appreciate it.

11122aa Sun 25-Sep-16 20:38:03

Any update?

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