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How turbulent are your teens friendships?

(13 Posts)
Whenwillthisphaseend Mon 18-Jul-16 18:16:04

I'm concerned for DD as I was rather hoping by aged 15 the dramas would die down a bit and have some real friendships but it's worse than it ever was. It's continuous drama , she currently has not 1 real friend which is quite sad as they have all turned on her again. My rose tinted glasses well and truly vanished a couple of years ago so I'm well aware she can also partake in these pathetic arguments. It seems their large group always "hate" one member of the group, currently it's her third maybe fourth time, it starts with a disagreement between two then they all pick one of their sides and make the other ones life a misery for a few weeks. It's so childish and thought they'd be over this by now, I advise DD but she listens but rarely follows my advice to block them till things calm as opposed to replying to the hundreds of messages and calls about said drama and asking what's been said about her which then upsets her and defends rumours etc which only fuels their drama.

FarAwayHills Mon 18-Jul-16 19:14:13

I'm not sure I can offer any advice OP just so say that I've had my first real experience of teen friendship drama recently. What an eye opener. I was amazed how quickly a seemingly small falling out between two members of the group turned into all out war between seemly nice level headed girls. My rose tinted glasses have also vanished.

Whenwillthisphaseend Mon 18-Jul-16 20:27:59

It's quite the gang mentality DD is no angel as I'm sure she probably followed when it was someone else's turn to be victimised, they all just follow like sheep despite it having nothing to do with them at all.

JustDanceAddict Mon 25-Jul-16 15:56:16

Not very, but in DD's group there is one girl that likes to stir & DD always rises to it. I told her to 'kill her with kindness' as she was starting to piss the others off with her winding up of the stirrer. DD is a Kind person, but if she's riled or left out she will fight back and not always in a positive way.

BackforGood Wed 27-Jul-16 23:06:25

Not turbulent at all.
Does your dd have friends from other areas of her life?
Maybe she holds on to wanting to be part of what sounds some very nasty behaviour, because she feels there isn't an alternative?
My dc have all always had friends outside of school as well, and I think it offers a much better perspective on life.

Whenwillthisphaseend Wed 27-Jul-16 23:25:51

Sadly not no , I've desperately tried to get her into hobbies with no joy. She used to do loads but hit 13 and dropped the lot. So far this summer she's skulked in her room. She is a tricky teen and wants to act a lot older than she is but is also very immature which can be a recipe for disaster.

wilfie2003 Fri 05-Aug-16 19:33:11

Thanks for posting this. I feel your pain - my almost 16 yr old DD seems to be having terrible friendship issues. She's no saint, I do know that much, but over the past year I really thought she'd cracked it and had a lovely little group. Now it's all over the place, they frequently go out without her and post evidence on Snapchat or some such thing. She's basically spending the summer alone...or attached to me! I keep telling her (and myself) that things will change when she goes in to 6th Form etc...but am I just kidding myself?

MyLlamasGoneBananas Sat 06-Aug-16 00:35:48

My 15yo has had a falling out tonight.
It's now sit and wait to see if it blows over tomorrow and they remain friends or if the whole group will turn!!
My problem/worry is the effect it has on dd. She cannot cope at all when her friendships go tots up. She gets v v low.
Im assured that it gets better through 6th form but it's gradual - so a few hiccups I would imagine.

wilfie2003 Sat 06-Aug-16 20:25:39

It's just so hard to watch isn't it? and 6th Form feels like an age away...there's GCSE's to pass before that!

I've been re-assuring my DD all the time that things will work out - they always do - and that the girls probably aren't real friends etc etc. Also really making lots of time for her to do nice things like walks, lunch, going to the gym, shopping and trips to London to help show her I'm there for her and take her mind off of things. I may be being a bit out of order here - but I'll be honest and say that I've also told her that next year MUST be all about her, her grades and generally getting in to 6th Form. These friendship issues are beginning to affect her studies and, bottom line, we can't allow that. I think that's kind of helped put a perspective on things and created a focus for her.

It's just not simple is it? Roll on next summer!

MyLlamasGoneBananas Sun 07-Aug-16 00:14:02

I try and reiterate to my dd that how ever awful and devestating these upsets are now, in a few years she'll look back and realise how unimportant and daft it all was.
It's very hard getting them to understand there is a whole world outside of their school bubble and that these incidents are really insignificant in the big whole wide world scheme of things.

nooka Sun 07-Aug-16 20:03:06

My ds has two lose friends who he has been friends with pretty much since the beginning of secondary school (he is 17). They do occasionally get annoyed with each other but they seem a fairly stable threesome. He is very picky about his friendships. They also don't really socialize much outside of school so it's not too intense (plus none of them have romantic interests so there's not that pressure.

dd had a horrible time with friendships at the end of primary (we had to intervene) and it's left her very wary about groups. She now just has a small number of trusted friends and we've not had much drama for a while (she is just turning 16). She does still get anxious about her friendships though. My sympathies to those who are still going through it, it's horrible to see your children so upset.

WasWildatHeart Tue 16-Aug-16 22:37:42

Your stories are our stories. Breaking my heart for DD (14) as she's been pushed out of her friendship group since school broke up. Others get together and send her snapchat/ videos/ texts about what they are up to. She has some other friends from primary school and out of school friends but this group really matters to her. Previous fallouts have been quickly resolved and she has taken them in her stride but this has gone on all holiday. I wish she could but she wont walk away. She's trying to pretend she's not upset but she is, and getting worried about going back to school. Positively she does talk to me and I hope I help but really I just want to fix it for her and I can't. Girls!

wilfie2003 Wed 17-Aug-16 20:25:29

I really do feel your pain WasWildatHeart! Same in this household - all summer long her so called friends have ignored her, gone on trips here and there together and published them on social media. My DD is trying not to let it get to her, but I know she's hurting so so deeply. She has had a good few crying sessions with me and like you, I'm happy that she's talking to me.

This morning was another bad morning, with her being upset that they'd all been to London yesterday without her. There is this one really lovely, sensible girl in another group who I know my DD has shared some of her sadness and upset with. So, I decided that, while my DD was still upset and somewhat annoyed that it's time to just nudge her (fairly firmly if I'm honest) to contact this girl and just have a chat. Go over the situation and agree a sort of 'plan' for day 1 of school. This girl was amazing, they had a long (albeit text based) 'chat' and she has reassured my DD that she can sit with her group on day 1, even saying that she knows they won't mind her joining them at all, in fact they'll be flattered that they can help. I'm just hoping this is a glimmer of hope for my DD and will be enough to help her calm down a bit as I foresee bucket loads of tears in the run up to going back to school.

I just share this as maybe, if you DD can possibly reach out to someone else, she may just get a good response. Today, I just told my DD that she MUST reach out, be a bit vulnerable and ask for help. It seems to have worked, so maybe just maybe if your DD can think of someone who she may just trust...it's worth a go. 'Chatting' over text seems to have helped as well - just took some of the emotion out of it and I think my DD was able to be a little bit more sort of 'bold' and honest.

Worth a try..

All the best. xxxx

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