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Boyfriend staying over (Aibu/reassurance)

(16 Posts)
Desmondo2016 Wed 06-Jul-16 02:07:32

My dd is 17, 18 very soon. She's been with her boyfriend over a year. He's a nice enough lad and treats her well. She's never given me any worries with any of the normal teenage rebellion but she is typically headstrong and highly resistant to being challenged / disagreed with. I've always been alarmed by how exclusive their relationship became so quickly. .. they literally spend every possible second together and to all extent and purpose view themselves as being in a full on 'adult'relationship. He works full time and she is in college for another year. A few months ago I brought in a rule that she reluctantly accepted and stuck to (well 80% of the time) that he stayed over only on weekends (or her at his) or rather, when she wasn't at college the next day. It sounds mean but I just don't want him here every second. It drives me nuts. She sees him as family and I just cant/don't. This is compounded by the fact I'm having a baby in December. im also aware that she could just tell me to butt out and I don't want to risk a situation where she winds up moving in with him or something just realised he's staying tonight. She has finished college for the summer so strictly speaking it's not a college night. Am I being unreasonable? I just dont want him here all the time. I want them to realise theyre just 2 teenagers dating. Its really become like they live together, holidays, days out, mealtimes even laundry has just become the absolute norm. on the nights they don't stay together he stays until she's asleep and let's himself out. If they're going out I feel he should strive to pick her up once she's ready but no, he would be here from straight after work helping her get ready. ( not I'm a controlling way, it's mutually what they want to be like). I want to tell her tomorrow that he only stays over and vice versa at weekends. Obviously she is practically adult so I cant physically stop her going to stay at his and I don't want to resort to the 'if you want to live under my roof...' ultimatum. AIBU ? I have always been loathe to challenge my kids ( and in the main havent needed to as they're exceptional ) and I think this stems from being split from their dad and historically she has done the whole 'I'll go and live with dad'thing if things haven't gone her way at home. (That's no longer an option, he's given up his house to 'find himself'in a camper van). Have i left it too long? Should i have been stronger with them over the past year and have therefore now lost my right to say anything because I've been outwardly laid back before? Do i actually need to man up and take the 'my house my rules' it normal for an 18 to be allowed to stay over/have her boyf stay over all the time. If it's relevant, I financially support her through college although she earns good money in her part time job, and she pays no rent. She is living here in the capacity of 'child 'not lodger. X

Desmondo2016 Wed 06-Jul-16 02:09:16

Note important full stop missing before 'just realised he's staying tonight'.

WhimsicalWinnifred Wed 06-Jul-16 02:22:18

Why is it that you want them to realise they are two teenagers dating rather than the relationship they have?

Do you think he is a good boyfriend?

Do you like or dislike him or are you neutral?

I'm just trying to understand a bit more with these questions.

WhimsicalWinnifred Wed 06-Jul-16 02:28:09

At her age I didn't have boyfriends stating over regularly but my DM is not the type that would mind past a reasonable age. I met my dp at 19 so I was older than your dd but we became very exclusive quickly and are together still almost ten years later.

It sounds like he is a very caring. Boyfriend and not someone you want to push her away from. I would treat her like an adult for this one and discuss with her that you don't want him staying all the time and together come up with a routine. I expect you may need to reassess only weekends though.

EttaJ Wed 06-Jul-16 02:36:52

I think YABU. Why do you say that, about they're just two teenagers dating? About holidays , days out, meals? That's such a weird thing to say and rather patronising actually. They are doing young what couples do! They may well end up engaged and married. Sorry OP but you sound almost jealous .

Desmondo2016 Wed 06-Jul-16 02:52:42

Why is it that you want them to realise they are two teenagers dating rather than the relationship they have?

Maybe I didn't word this quite right. I guess it just got major serious so quickly. She doesn't see her friends anymore and absolutely everything she does they do together. Is it normal to not have a single day ever when you don't see each other at their age/early stage of the relationship. Literally every possible waking second.

Do you think he is a good boyfriend?

Yes. He is protective and loyal.

Do you like or dislike him or are you neutral?
I like him a lot and trust him. I don't like lots about him though. His eating habits are disgusting, he buys dinner from the chippy every single night and drinks 3 litres of Dr pepper a day. He is obese and has absolutely no consideration or care for the health side of this. (This is impacting on her habits too as she rarely says with us at home because He won't eat way out things like roast or lasagne lol). He lives 200 yards from us but will ALWAYS drive between the houses which just seems ridiculous to me. He is very very set in his ways and she has recently told me that she thinks he is undiagnosed autistic. He is very ocd and despite DH asking him several times not to, there's certain ocd habits he now 'has'to do in our house (moving a particular ornament and constantly closing a door that we like to leave open. (That sounds weird, it's a wall mirror with mini doors on the front and he shuts them every singke time he walks past!). I guess he just treats our house like his own, let's himself in etc and I find that a bit annoying.

Omg I sound like an ogre about him. He's honest and loyal and treats her like a princess.

I guess I just feel living together is the next stage of their relationship for when she finished college and they get their own place. I don't want him in my house every single second. I sound like an ogre dont i!

Desmondo2016 Wed 06-Jul-16 02:58:24

Im definitely not jealous lol. Maybe a bit sad that my babies are growing up, but not jealous. im sad that she has given up her plans for uni because she cant be apart from him and im sad that she has stopped caring about her appearance amd showering daily because of his standards. I really just want to know if it's the norm for an 18 year old to be allowed her boyfriend to stay every single night or if its reasonable to suggest that he stays over only on weekends.

OlennasWimple Wed 06-Jul-16 03:09:17

I don't know whether it's the norm for them to be together so much (I didn't have a bf when I was living at home, and haven't yet got to parenting a teen...) but your last posts are worrying. She really shouldn't be giving up her future and her friends for anyone, never mind someone who is less than a total catch

Desmondo2016 Wed 06-Jul-16 03:26:32

I know. Im Just not sure how to intervene when she's at the age she is.. I also don't feel it's his doing as such, it appears to be very much her own choices. I don't pick up any worrying vibes of him being outwardly controlling.

EttaJ Wed 06-Jul-16 04:04:52

Ah see now OP you're making more sense and I can totally see where you are coming from with more details and no , not like an ogre at all! I would be way more so. I apologize for being so quick to judge.

Her not going to Uni and letting her appearance go would make me cross and sad too. He doesn't sound amazing but is in her eyes. I would not be happy and would not have him letting himself at all! That would be awful, no privacy in your own home which I would find unbearable. He does actually sound a pain to be honest .

I would say yes it's definitely reasonable to be only staying over at weekends , that's fine and more than a lot of parents would and do allow. We didn't allow every weekend for our DC.

Also the fact she's financially supported by you and DH . Maybe they ought to be more responsible. You do need to put your foot down. Hope it goes well when you talk to her.

EttaJ Wed 06-Jul-16 04:05:42

Letting himself in that should say sorry

Namechangechickenlol Wed 06-Jul-16 11:06:40

He sounds awful tbh.

misshelena Wed 06-Jul-16 16:10:19

You are not being unreasonable at all!! 17 or 18 is WAY too young to be narrowing one's choices in life in such a severe way where her world literally consists of her boyfriend ONLY. She needs to get out, meet people, make friends, go do stuff, experience life!
Does sound like you've been a little too chill for a little too long. I can just imagine how unhappy she'll be if you tried the "it's my house, etc" And I agree that the last thing you want to do is drive her to shack up with him. Then her world really would be just him ...
Is there someone you can send her to for a while? Like does she have an aunt or uncle or family friend who lives in another city who she can stay with in the summer and get a job there? Is there any way for you to convince her to spend 3 to 6 months in some other city? I am thinking that physical distance might help her get over her dependence on her boyfriend.
Does she understand your concerns with her situation with her boyfriend? You've explained yourself quite well here, I wonder if your daughter will be able to see why you are concerned and why her situation is not ideal. If she can understand your reasoning, she'll be much more likely to do what you want her to do. She may in fact become concerned about her own situation too.

TeaBelle Wed 06-Jul-16 16:14:52

Could you compromise and Allow 1 extra night as it's the holidays but tell them you need notice for food shopping etc.

Carlamomof3 Wed 06-Jul-16 16:46:47

I think as teens they are just learning about relationships and don't understand the importance of balancing relationships with other partsof their lives. The more you try to put limits on them the more they will push back. My 15 yr old is in her first serious relationship and at first they spent every moment they could together or on the phone with each other. But in time they started doing separate activities with their friends and stil maintained the closeness of their own relationship. They now have been able to find the balance that is needed. He is living with us this summer (closer to his summer job) and it's not uncommon for one of them to go to their friends houses and leave the other one here occasionally or they go out with their joint friends together. I think in time as teens learn these things on their own (maybe with a little encouragement from us) along the way. Without balance relationships do not usually last and burn out pretty quickly I think.

Cel982 Wed 06-Jul-16 17:25:59

I would ditch the 'it's only a teenage relationship' line of argument; you may be right, but dismissing their relationship like that is only going to antagonise them. It's perfectly fine to set limits on how often your kids can have overnight guests.

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