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When do they become human again?!

(12 Posts)
User4444 Sun 03-Jul-16 20:42:33

Just that really, need some hope. DD is 15 and every year I think - this will be the most difficult year , I'm sure she'll mature , but she doesn't, If anything she was more mature aged 6 than she is currently. I love her to bits but I feel I'm permanently treading on eggshells around her , no amount of rewards/sanctions seem to make any difference.
She drinks, she smokes, she's boy obsessed and worst of all (don't flame me please) she can be a complete cow and almost a bit of a bully. Not just to me but to her friends and school staff. She is always involved in some form of huge drama , having a go at people or being drawn into other people's arguments and is very shallow, only cares for the pretty cool kids. It's a really really unattractive quality and whilst I love her I don't like the person she has become but no amount of discussion makes any difference, so I'm just hoping this is a phase and it will pass.
We can get on at times but she is so volatile asking anything of her , however small, usually results in her screaming insults and slamming, I'd liken it to the toddler phase but worse. I am the sort of person that must comment so we often clash if for instance i challenge her when I hear her speaking/treating someone like dirt it always results in her going ballistic and never "doing anything wrong". She used to be so kind and considerate and was treated badly by friends in the past, but rather than being able to reflect on that and how it made her feel her excuse is "I'm not going to let anyone mug me off and treat me like shit" she doesn't seem to realise she is the one doing so.

JennyOnAPlate Sun 03-Jul-16 20:45:04

I don't have a teenager yet but you popped up in active convos.

Where is she getting the money from to drink and smoke? Because if it's pocket money from you, that would be the first thing to go imo!

User4444 Sun 03-Jul-16 20:53:09

Her friends give her cigarettes apparently! She doesn't get pocket money but has the opportunity to earn money through chores and good school reports, effort etc but rarely can be bothered to earn any but still manages.

Mishaps Sun 03-Jul-16 20:55:13

I had 3 teenage DDs at one stage - take it from me they do become human in the course of time - not just human, but truly delightful.

The key is to keep boosting her ego - you look so nice today; I know you can be trusted; could you help me make this decision - I would value your judgement?; etc.etc. as appropriate to your situation. Every time you are tempted to grumble at her about something, wrack your brains to find something positive to say instead - it is very disarming! - and I found it worked.

User4444 Sun 03-Jul-16 21:44:05

I do do that and when I do things are much nicer but I just can't bite my tongue enough blush. With DD it works till you ask anything of her such as homework, picking dirty clothes off bathroom floor etc then I ask really nicely I get "in a minute" an hour later I remind politely and get "in a minute" 48 hours later I'm so sick of my own voice I snap! I can't bare the way she treats her friends , then she wonders why she has very few and is left out of invites etc but there is no telling her!

User4444 Sun 03-Jul-16 21:46:14

I'm pleased to hear that they turn human and delightful though , I'm hoping sooner rather than later. I feel like a bit of a prisoner to the home as the second I leave she's organising a gathering so in a way it's way more intense than the younger years.

dementedma Sun 03-Jul-16 21:48:22

They come out of it around 18 or so...most important thing is to keep the communication open somehow, even if you feel like packing their bags and telling them to get the hell out of your house! Don't accept the insults though. I ignored door slamming and flouncing, but direct insults were never acceptable.

dementedma Sun 03-Jul-16 21:50:51

Also, of the polite asking to pick up dirty clothes doesn't work, I would issue one reminder, maybe two if feelign mellow, then gather up said clothes and either chuck them in the garden or just open her bedroom door and sling them on the floor. Her clothes, her problem

Hassled Sun 03-Jul-16 21:53:55

18/19 in my experience. My DD was the reason I joined MN, many years ago - I was just in despair with her. You have all my sympathies.

What I worked out with mine was that I knew we loved each other but also that we didn't really like each other. So I tried to work on that - the only "quality time" she would consider was the cinema, where we didn't actually have to talk to each other, but it was a shared experience and it sort of gradually got us back together. So is there something you can do together which will rekindle the liking each other bit? Once that starts, it's so much easier to talk reasonably.

dalmatianmad Sun 03-Jul-16 21:54:58

We've just come through that horrible shitty stage, although no drinking and smoking hmm I'd be horrified.
I can only describe it as though someone has switched a switch, over night she became lovely, polite, helpful, respectful, her school work has improved ...
She recently turned 15 and I love being around her now, she's like a different girl.
I work in the safeguarding arena and I started to wonder whether my Dd was bwing groomed, she ticked lots of the boxes on the check list but relived to know it was hormones, worth thinking about??

User4444 Sun 03-Jul-16 21:59:45

We do go to the cinema actually we also go for dinner etc which usually involves me watching her text her friends confused. She does confide in me and i probably know way more about what her friends have done than I'd like to but conversations on her turn nasty. No one likes criticism bbuuttttt I can't not mention it if I hear/see her being controlling or abusive to others.
So glad to hear it does happen I was no angel but I played the game a bit and did homework (bare minimum) and if I knew I wanted something I'd suck up for a while before asking , DD has missed that sucking up bit she just expects then goes mad when I don't agree.

User4444 Sun 03-Jul-16 22:04:12

I also work in safeguarding so all sorts have run through my head but my detective work has got no where. I don't want to say 100% no way but I really don't think it's anything like that. She's always been spirited but she was kind I'm hoping that quality returns. To be fair to her although I know she drinks, she always comes home and has never appeared drunk-where as some of her friends are so I don't think she's drinking to much just enough to "fit in" maybe but always coherent and appears sober.

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