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Daughter thinks shes male

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rockodog1 Fri 01-Jul-16 18:15:28

My 16yr old daughter has told me she has always felt she was a boy
She has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers also which came as such a shock to us,she has been attending councellors since she was 14
and prescribed antidepressants
she has social anxiety really bad
Any help please??

HermioneWeasley Fri 01-Jul-16 18:19:42

There does seem to be a high degree of overlap with those with ASDs and those who self define as transgender. I suspect it's because it's to do with how rigid gender roles are becoming in society. You don't say why she feels male, but if I were a teenager in the current pornified and selfie obsessed generation, I might think I was male too, because I certainly don't identify with that.

Ultimately she isn't male and never will be, so I think she needs help to be comfortable in her healthy body, as a gender non conforming woman if that's how she's comfortable.

Good luck

BombadierFritz Fri 01-Jul-16 18:23:11

I'd recommend quite an in depth discussion about gender, gender stereotypes and the contradictions in the trans ideology if you feel up to it and she is quite a logical thinker?

BombadierFritz Fri 01-Jul-16 18:28:22

Its also possible this is linked to puberty. Any kind of change is difficult to adapt to and there are a lot of physical changes to cope with for her right now

PhilPhilConnors Fri 01-Jul-16 18:31:56

Does she feel like a male or is it that she doesn't feel like a female?
That can be very confusing, and if you don't quite fit in, differences between people of the same sex can feel like the reason for that difference.
I have aspergers and can identify with how your dd is feeling, however I am pleased I was born 40 years ago and not now, as I think there is pressure to allow people to choose different genders when in reality that's probably not going to change how she feels, and in a few years she may feel more settled with who she is.

In your shoes I think I would encourage her to dress how she wants, wear her hair how she wants etc.
As this is very new it's likely to be very confusing for her. Could you point her in the direction of some good asperger's role models? If she's on FB the girl with the curly hair is worth following.

As Hermione says, the most important thing to do is to help her to be comfortable with who she is.

rockodog1 Fri 01-Jul-16 23:23:03

Thank you for your reply,god love her I would hate to grow up in this selfie-obsessed age,its so not her

rockodog1 Fri 01-Jul-16 23:27:57

she has recently got her long hair cut short
and as we told her we just want her to be happy
she is in the top class at school and very intelligent

Stopmakingsense Fri 01-Jul-16 23:29:33

Hello we are in the position with our DD18 who told she thinks she is male. I think she may have autistic traits but has no diagnosis. It's very hard to deal with. I too just want her to feel comfortable in her own skin, but I am terrified of her heading off on the road to hormones and surgery. She is a very rigid thinker and (at the moment) very hostile to any discussion.
I showed her a book called Aspiegirls which had a chapter on Gender and Identity which described her to a T- she just was cross because she said it was irrelevant as she is NOT a girl.
Trying to stay cool and be supportive when I am really struggling.
OP there is another thread full of similar girls here:

I feel we have fallen down the rabbit hole.

DollyBarton Fri 01-Jul-16 23:31:25

Well she could be male in the future if that is what she chooses. I think maybe it was oils be worth reaching out to one of the groups that specialise in transgender issues for advice on how to talk to and support your dd as she tries to figure this out. Maybe someone knows the name of one of these groups.

MsKite Fri 01-Jul-16 23:40:46

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HermioneWeasley Sat 02-Jul-16 08:12:43

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CreativeUsername Sun 03-Jul-16 22:24:41

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VestalVirgin Sun 03-Jul-16 23:54:19

Have you asked her why she feels this way?
Is it about her body, or the fact that she feels she doesn't have the same hobbies as other girls?

Perhaps this blog can be of help:

Well she could be male in the future if that is what she chooses.

No she could not. She will never have a penis or testicles, and will be sterile if she has her female reproduction organs removed and/or damages them by taking testosterone.

It is important to be honest about this. Teenagers have all sorts of strange ideas of what gender reassignment surgery does. It does not magically change someone's sex.
It does not even necessarily change what sex other people perceive you as, and, as result, treat you.

HermioneWeasley Mon 04-Jul-16 06:13:07

Careful Vestal. I've been deleted and I assume it's because I stated a biological fact

MissMargie Mon 04-Jul-16 06:52:40

Does she know and mix with many boys?

Perhaps joining the Scouts or something with both sexes she might find she is happier mixing with one sex or the other. Or that she is a girl who likes boys' company.

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 04-Jul-16 06:58:50

She will always be female but needs to understand that, despite what society tells us, that means she can be whoever she likes. She can wear her hair how she likes, wear the clothes she likes and love who she likes.

Strict gender roles are to blame and we need to fight them.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 07:09:33

Deleted for stating biological fact?

Let me guess. The fact that genetic females will always be genetic females?

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 07:10:40

I have teens with autism and the apparently high numbers of teens with autism self-defining as trans worries me for various reasons, not least the tendency to concrete thought patterns.

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 04-Jul-16 07:15:35

Deleted for stating biological fact?

Welcome to the brave new world Just.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 07:19:23

Welcome to it? I'm sick of it already.

How is anyone supposed to have a conversation in this Orwellian atmosphere?

I can't imagine Hermione was inflammatory.

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 04-Jul-16 07:22:59

It is very hard to talk openly when language is policed, and we need to talk openly when children are having to choose between 2 strict gender roles.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 07:25:49


KittyLaRoux Mon 04-Jul-16 07:25:52

Puberty is a shit time.

Your DD cannot feel male simply because she isn't male so she wouldn't know what that feels like.

However she doesn't have another way to express that she doesn't like/fit in with the female stereotype such as pink things, make up, dresses all the things girls/females are supposed to like. In a bid to put a label on how she's feeling she has decided because she dislikes girl things she must like/want to be a boy.

Explain to her she can like, dress and be whatever she wants. This doesn't make her want to be a boy or feel like a boy it just means she isn't following a gender stereotype....and that's ok.

Puberty is shit.
Be supportive but be realistic with her as that is very important.

Emochild Mon 04-Jul-16 07:32:41

My aspie dd announced she was trans 2 years ago

She's now declared it to have been a phase and she's glad I wouldn't let her persue it
It was the source of many arguments about binders, gender clinics etc

She was so fixed in her view it scared me

She's now the total opposite and insists on long floaty dresses and long hair to be more feminine

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 04-Jul-16 07:38:28

God Emo, imagine if she had gone down the other road. I am so scared for young children who are being medicated because they don't fit into a standardized idea for each sex.

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