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DD taking vodka from house, sharing rude photos

(9 Posts)
Mumwithteens20 Tue 28-Jun-16 15:19:27

Hi sad
DD, just 16, just finished GCSEs, has admitted over social media (accidentally got access to her FB and though I know it's wrong I can see her PMs now) that she has taken photos of her boobs (and shared with boys) and also admitted to taking vodka from house and drinking ahead of a party (no alcohol tea party). She went to another party last night (overnight with a family who I would have trusted to control alcohol), got drunk, 'did something with a boy' (not a boyfriend), broke up with her (sort of) boyfriend...
I don't know how to tackle this. She's exceptionally pretty, with 32DD boobs (which will be a magnet to most teen boys), is very chatty and friendly, with lots of boy 'friends' and I am worried about her doing really stupid stuff if she's allowed out... I have tried to bring her up well (middle class family, private school, plenty of talking and trust until now) but failed to stop some a-hole taking her virginity one afternoon last summer when she was just 15. I'm worried that she's (a) drinking too much and (b) being a bit easy with the boys. Do I put a lock on the alcohol cupboard? How can I talk to her about inappropriate sharing of pictures when I'm not even supposed to know that she is doing it?
Help! Help!

misshelena Tue 28-Jun-16 22:23:28

Sounds like your daughter doesn't have much self confidence. Do you know how old the a--hole who took her virginity was? Was it a peer? Was it his first time too? If it is, I wouldn't worry too much about it. They are all super curious about sex at this age. Make sure she understand she "used" the a--hole as much as the a--hole "used" her. It's a bit counter-intuitive, but you want her to feel that she was in control, and not just a victim. That she got something out of it -- she got to know sex. If the boy had some experience, then she got to know sex from someone who's experienced, which is good because who wants to learn from someone as lost as she is? All I am saying is that try to put some control back in her hands.

Other than school, is she involved in something else that is important to her? sports? a cause? Try to get her fired up about something. This will help build her self confidence.

As far as sending nude pictures, you should tell her that it's illegal and she can get charged for "distribution of child porn", even if it is her own body. Tell her if she wants to show someone her boobs, she can do so in person. Once again, it's a bit counter-intuitive, but chances of her doing it in person are much lower than her texting nude pics of herself. Also, it shows that you are not judging her, you just want her to stay out of jail. Anything you can do to make her comfortable talking to you is good.

Mumwithteens20 Wed 29-Jun-16 11:06:48

Thank you misshelena. The sex itself was a year ago and we did talk a lot about it at the time. The boy was 17 at the time and knew that she was 15. In fact 14 I remember - it was just before her birthday. I didn't press charges. It didn't seem like it would have helped at all.
She doesn't know that I know that she was sending rude pictures. They are likely to have excluded her face but even so. She may not even know that it's illegal... Or if she did she chose to ignore that fact. I'll have a general talk about it to the girls to ensure they know the rules - in a general way.
She's signed up for NCS this summer hol - so that should help I hope. Apart from that, I know that by the time she hits 18 much of this will be her choice. So just have to ride out the next 2 years and hope she doesn't do something really stupid like get herself pregnant! I've even offered to take her to whatever the equivalent is these days of the family planning clinic. At least with sexting you can't get pregnant!

Mumwithteens20 Wed 29-Jun-16 19:10:44

Gah! She's just told me she's on the pill (went a couple of weeks ago with a school friend apparently)! Well, at least she told me... And at least she's protected... We were able to have another conversation about sex and sexting off the back of that. Maybe she'll be ok after all...

HereIAm20 Tue 05-Jul-16 16:16:16

It doesn't matter if the pics have her face on them or not. She can be found guilty of distribution of pornographic images especially serious if she sends them to say someone in her year group who is still 15. She could end up on the sex offenders register. Maybe talk to her in general terms rather than letting on you saw her pics. Say you say an article in magazine where this girl had done this etc or saw it on tv.

Mumwithteens20 Tue 05-Jul-16 16:48:54

Thank you - and I will do. I have had a conversation with her in general terms and she now knows that it's illegal. Much appreciated.

specialsubject Tue 05-Jul-16 18:14:46

She needs condoms as well as the pill - she doesn't know where they've been.

She also needs more self respect, she's more than face and boobs. Hope you can help her to see that, and to stop the risky behaviour.

Mumwithteens20 Tue 05-Jul-16 18:22:38

Thanks - I've had the big conversation about STDs and need for condoms - and talked about how they can be found in ladies loos (for later when she's in bars) but how it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep one hidden in an inner lining of a handbag or purse - just in case. For now she has indicated that she has no intention of having sex (I hesitate to say 'making love' since it really doesn't seem like that these days...) - but I'll do my best to make sure she's prepared! Thanks everyone.

exWifebeginsat40 Tue 05-Jul-16 18:38:55

rather than tell her about condoms in loos in bars, tell her she can get them free from the GUM clinic - much more useful information.

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