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Daughter (15) messaging 23 year old man

(24 Posts)
eaturveggies123 Sun 26-Jun-16 12:27:50

I have just found out my 15 year old daughter has been messaging a 23 year old man. I was getting her friend's parent's number off her phone with her permission, and a message came up on the screen. I didn't recognise the name so I clicked on the message and seen that they had been flirting quite a bit, nothing overly sexual, but I'm still rather uncomfortable with this. I had a look and there was no reference to her age in their conversation. I know his age because of his birthday on his Facebook page. As far as I can make out, they meet at a party on the beach that she attended with her friends. My daughter could very easily get away with 17/18 years old. What do I do?

Whendoesitstop Sun 26-Jun-16 14:45:20

You shouldn't of clicked on qnd read the messages to start with. Major invasion of her privacy. Did you daughter know you was on her phone? And she does know that you've read the messages?

This "man" might actually be younger and not actually be 23, some people have their birthdays wrong on Facebook. Until a few years ago my 22 year old sons Facebook said he was born in 1969. There's also a chance he does know her age, you surely didn't read every single message between them, did you? And they may talk through other things like Instagram, whatsapp or texting. If you're able to find out his age by his Facebook who's saying he hasn't found out her age by her social media accounts. Or perhaps she told him in person when they met at his beach party.

If he is definitely 23 then you need to have words with her and explain to her that he could get into a lot of trouble for talking to her as she is under age. Also let her know he could very well be a pedofile so she needs to be very careful. If you suspect anything like that then you should contact the police straight away.

If you and your daughter are for sure this lad is 23 and is not grooming her then tell her they can't really be having flirtatious conversations whilst she is still under 16 as if someone outside found out it will land him in a lot of trouble. Will she be 16 soon or is it still a long way off?

RegentsParkWolf Sun 26-Jun-16 15:07:27

From experience I would say ask her, in a mildly interested, not-too concerned or judgemental way. Let her tell you all about him and show no concern at all during the first conversation. Don't jump straight in with 'but what if he's...' worries. My daughter began texting a 29 year old when she was 17. My initial reaction was to jump straight in and she then refused to tell me anything. Once I backed off she started talking to me again and now we can talk about most things and I can help her weigh up the risks. 15 is a bit younger but it doesn't sound like she's in any immediate risk so getting her to talk would be my first priority.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 26-Jun-16 15:09:37

Time to have a conversation in a general sense. Ignore comments about how you shouldn't have looked. You're her mum. You care. You need to make sure she's okay.

Perhaps ask her if she has told him her age. Most blokes don't think to ask... There's even a storyline in eastenders about it at the moment! Any contact between underage teenagers and adults (even if it isn't sexual) can get the older party into a LOT of trouble these days, and if your daughter does have feelings for this guy, then I'm sure she wouldn't want that.

eaturveggies123 Sun 26-Jun-16 20:31:39

I've had a talk with her and it turns out he's only 17. Phew, panic averted. To answer some questions, she's just recently had her phone back (around a month) after loosing it for innopropriate conversations. She knows I can check it at any time, and it's one of the conditions of her having it back

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 27-Jun-16 09:10:55

Good job the OP did 'invade her privacy' hmm

I will continue to do random checks until my ds is old enough to pay for his own devices/ WiFi.

Glad you had a chat OP smile

differentnameforthis Mon 27-Jun-16 11:05:59

Bollocks to major invasion of privacy. She is a child. She is doing something that is potentially dangerous. THIS is exactly why my daughter's will only be given tech on the condition that I have full access to it.

differentnameforthis Mon 27-Jun-16 11:07:03

Can she clarify that he is only 17? She has form for inappropriate conversations, how much can you trust her, op?

MarthaSF321 Tue 28-Jun-16 08:50:34

I think you did totally the right thing OP. My DD 12 was texting /flirting with someone on line and when I asked her who he was she said "he's in my class at school" I took one look at his facebook and realised he was older and then found out through a friend that he was 18. I informed the police and I read her the riot act and had the grooming talk and she blocked him and stopped it. So you can't always believe DCs ! I think it shocked her TBH she thought he was 15 or so. I said to her "why do you think an 18 year old wants to meet up with a 12 year old? Its not just to hold hands is it?" Freaked her out. I have no qualms about checking social media to keep her safe . I will carry on doing so until she's 16.

Lighteningirll Tue 28-Jun-16 09:05:29

This happened to me with my fifteen year old son and an older woman, I saw the text by accident and it seemed odd so I looked back through. I rang her from his phone and read the riot act. She claimed he'd told her he was 18, she was 26 with a child and as far as I know she never contacted him again. I personally would contact him to make sure he knows how old she is, that you are aware and to check how old he is (obviously he may lie but if he is older he will probably move on)

eaturveggies123 Fri 01-Jul-16 22:26:42

I have just found out from his friend that he is 27. He knows her age. I am absolutely disguted. She has been to his flat twice while I thought she was at a 'friend's'. I have messaged him and told him that he ever contacts her again, I will call the police. Phone has been taken off her, she's now grounded.

eaturveggies123 Fri 01-Jul-16 22:26:59


DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 01-Jul-16 22:37:13

Omg what a shock!! I think I'd ring the police anyway tbh.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 01-Jul-16 22:38:05

Does she have access to a computer in her room? Be careful as they could message via that.

DixieNormas Fri 01-Jul-16 22:41:35

I'd be phoning the police, and bollocks to the invasion of privacy shit. She is a child

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 01-Jul-16 22:43:23

I think you need to make sure he can't go near her again,she might borrow a friend's phone to contact him. Police!

HeartOnTheLine Fri 01-Jul-16 22:44:25

At age 15 she shouldn't be speaking to people she don't know online!

eaturveggies123 Fri 01-Jul-16 22:50:01

I'm going to call the police in the morning. She doesn't have access to a computer, and isn't allowed out of the house apart from school. What would I say to the police?

thrillhouse Fri 01-Jul-16 22:55:50

Oh come on Heart, don't be naive. Pretty much every teenager in the country is probably speaking to strangers on the Internet.

OP, just tell the police the situation. They'll know what to do next. I take it all the messages etc are still on the phone as proof? Best of luck, it must be such a tough thing to deal with.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 01-Jul-16 22:56:21

Tell them a 27 year old man is contacting your dd and you're worried for her safety. If her school is pro active wrt on line safety I'd get them involved too,ds's school is excellent but I don't know about other schools.

I'd make it VERY clear to her friends as well that they'll be in serious trouble if they help her contact him.

Bloody hell sad

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 01-Jul-16 22:57:00

She met him at a party not on line anyway.

MaggiePhilbinsSwapShop Fri 01-Jul-16 22:59:30

Have oh read the Kayleigh Haywood case in the news ATM? Sorry but this is why I will be monitoring DS until he is old enough to understand boundaries.

Refer the police to this case if they do nothing. But tell them that a 27 year old has been grooming a 15 year old online.

You did the right thing opening the message and investigating. flowers

HeartOnTheLine Sat 02-Jul-16 09:55:16

thrillhouse when I was her age I had no interest speaking to people online that I didn't know.

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