Rude and abusive DS

[RoseMcG]

I'm a single mum of 14-year-old twins and am struggling - to the point of depression - with one of them. From the moment he gets up in the morning to the moment he goes to bed I tread carefully for fear of triggering an outburst of abuse. I'm struggling to assert my authority and, in the evenings, end up opting out of doing anything by drinking wine and watching telly in my bedroom. He dominates the telly and won't do anything to help. When his brother tries to intervene he, too, is subjected to abuse, and they often end up fighting. I know that somehow I need to get a grip on the situation but part of me thinks it's too late, and that I just need to get through to the point when he leaves home. TBH, I don't know where to start and would particularly like to hear from people who've been in a similar situation, about how they resolved it.

[corythatwas]

Hope you are feeling better today. Of course it is not too late. 14 is still in some ways a little boy, he will need your guidance for years yet, and his twin brother will need to feel that you are on his case.

Stop treading on eggshells; either ignore verbal abuse or say calmly "I will not be spoken to like that"; don't let yourself be drawn into an argument or become apologetic. That is too much power for a 14yo and will only frighten him. He needs to believe that you can control his behaviour and keep him safe from himself. Fake it till you make it.

Afraid you need to stop withdrawing into your room: in fact, I would stop drinking too for a while just to concentrate fully on the situation. The last thing he needs to feel is that he is making you take to drink. Find a moment when they are both calm and happy, sit them down and negotiate some rules for TV watching and other trigger points. Make it clear to him that you are not going to let his brother be unfairly treated. Fake a confidence you do not feel, do a bit of acting. This situation is not too late to recover.

[RoseMcG]

Thank you, corythatwas. You're right - I am in denial about what I need to do about this, which, as you say, is to be present. And thank you for reassuring me that the situation is not too late to recover. It may take a while but I'll post here about how I get on.

[Heyho111]

Cory has it spot on. pick your battles. Forget chores for now etc. Don't try to talk to him when he's on a rage or for a few hours after. Is he raging because that's how he gets your time. When they rage he has your full attention. He stops you walk away and do what needs doing. You may only be communicating when there's a problem. Make sure you chat about nothing much when he's calm. Don't expect much back due to teen grumpy years. Just offer him a drink tell him about something that's happened. He will prob eye roll but inside he will like it. Make sure you compliment him. Hair looks good today etc these things stop in stressful times. Agree with his grumping. Eg. I fucking hate home work. You - I know it's a pain in the back side. I hated it too. Don't fix the grump just agree and walk away. That way you are acknowledging his problem and making his feelings seem valued. He doesn't want you to fix it. Sorry I'm waffling. There's a great book. It helped me loads. Please read it. It explains why he's acting like he is and how to deal with it. It's called. Get out my life but first take me and Alex to town.