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My sons seeing a girl prenant with another boys baby

(33 Posts)
mandie67 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:34:04

Hopefully I'm in the right place. A few months ago I found out via FB that my son was seeing a girl he had known at school. They are both now 19. I also discovered via FB that she was pregnant by another boy.
My son, who up to then had caused us no problems admitted he had been lying about going out with a mate and was meeting up with the girl in town.
At the time she was living in another town and visiting ours now and again. When I asked my son about it he burst into tears because he had lied to us and had been to scared to tell us about the baby. The following day he told me it was finished by her because was scared the ex boyfriend would hurt my son.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
Over the past couple of weeks I had allowed my son to stay over night at a mates house. After being out all day last week I realised on passing his room he was talking to a girl on his phone, I assumed the same one. The following morning my oldest son got up for work and found a note from my son saying he was going to live with a friend and not to bother looking for him. Me and my husband eventually found the house we thought was the mates, we knocked and a middle age man answered, my husband is convinced he heard my sons name called, the man said he had never heard of our son and slammed the door in our faces. It was the GFs house. We went to my mums having to break the news to her before trying FB to get hold of our sons friends when her phone rang, it was our son wanting us to meet.
We briefly met and son came home.
We and our son are moving away from the area hopefully, he is looking forward to it. He asks if he can meet the girlfriend who still has a photo of the ex on her FB, which I say yes too, he is an adult after all, I cant stop him. But I will not allow him to stay over night, there are already 5 sleeping in a 2 bedroom house. The GF has told him she is having the baby adopted and will have her own place, she isn't working and sleeps on a mattress on the floor. Basically I spend all day everyday worrying about what happens after the birth but I'm terrified the ex will do something to my son and there's nothing I can do as our son is an adult, though living with us

MaximumVolume Tue 21-Jun-16 14:42:55

How are you not allowing a 19 year old to see his girlfriend? That's not good.

RattieOfCatan Tue 21-Jun-16 14:44:46

He's 19, where he lives is his choice....

RattieOfCatan Tue 21-Jun-16 14:46:09

Sorry, lives and sleeps.

NerrSnerr Tue 21-Jun-16 14:47:21

At 19 you just have to support him and let him live his life. They're not boys and they have to make their own mistakes.

You can't not let him do stuff, you say you let him sleep at a friend's house? Is he not allowed to come and go as he pleases?

PerspicaciaTick Tue 21-Jun-16 14:47:53

Well at least he can't get her pregnant.
However, I'm not clear why you are so desperate to keep your (adult) son away from his GF. What exactly is the issue with their relationship.

SisterMoonshine Tue 21-Jun-16 14:52:01

As you're finding out, if you try and assert so much control over a 19 year old that you are forbidding them to stop overnight somewhere - You'll have the sort of relationship where they keep secrets and hide from you.
Any mum would be worried, but you have to let him live his life?
Is he worried about the ex? Does the ex have a history of violence?

wibblewobble8 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:55:28

umm your son is 19. How you are treating him is mind boggling. If he chooses to see this girl that is his decision, not bloody yours to dictate. Did it ever cross your mind to maybe support him and his girlfriend. Tbh the way you have come across maybe your son would be better off away from you.

AlexandraLeigh Tue 21-Jun-16 15:00:22

From what I read, it's not as though the son is too bothered that he isn't allowed to stay the night etc.

But I do agree that he totally needs to make his own choices regarding everything. Controlling him could completely backfire in the long run when all that he really needs is support for him and this girl.

Wish you luck x

Lj8893 Tue 21-Jun-16 15:06:01

Whilst not ideal, I'm not hugely aware what the huge deal with him having a relationship with this woman is?

laurenwiltxx Tue 21-Jun-16 15:06:04

Well first I would wonder why my son wasn't comfortable enough to tell either me or dad. Esp because he's 19. Don't try and separate him and the girl. And it sounds like she hasn't had the best life, and maybe allowing her to stay at yours and giving her some well needed guidance from a mothers perspective

lljkk Tue 21-Jun-16 15:06:28

You need to support your son to make the best choices he can, allowing for what he wants. It's a mess & I can see why you don't want to house an extra person(s), but please don't make your son choose between gf & his folks.

Viviennemary Tue 21-Jun-16 15:07:45

If you feel the decisions he is making are unwise then you are right to point this out in a tactful way. But you can't forbid him to do something or order him to do something.. I wouldn't be happy about this situation either . But you have to manage it and not add fuel to the fire.

laurenwiltxx Tue 21-Jun-16 15:11:25

You need to make sure your son is comfortable to tell you things, he may worry if he tells you about any run ins with the ex then you will over react and try to make him leave his girlfriend so may not tell you. Make him comfortable so you can take steps to prevent more run ins and aggravation, suggesting they remove their facebooks as to avoid ex contacting or viewing profiles and reporting any contact to the police.

aprilanne Tue 21-Jun-16 15:12:54

you are behaving really badly your son is a grown man can you not maybe try to embrace this young woman and her child .my sons partner had a baby before she met my son .she was just a baby when we met her .that little girl is just wonderful she has a little sister but i love both children .i cannot begin to explain the happiness we all feel .it has made my son truelly happy so that makes me happy .dont try to dictate you may lose your son

fakenamefornow Tue 21-Jun-16 15:17:07

I think if I were your son I'd be moving in with the GF's family as well. Sorry.

LizKeen Tue 21-Jun-16 15:21:53

Over the past couple of weeks I had allowed my son to stay over night at a mates house.

What? You allowed a 19 year old ADULT to stay at a friends house.


It really is no wonder he is running towards these people.

Littlelondoner Tue 21-Jun-16 15:26:04

This poor girl pregnant and sleeping on a mattress on floor. Cant they stay at your house if you are so against him staying at hers. At least she'd have a bed and you could get to know her etc.

Surely the most obvious solution would be to get to know the girl. She may be lovely. All you are doing is pushing your adult son away.

At 19 I had a full time job my own flat and a boyfriend. The idea of asking permission to see a friend is mind boggling.

Also I think the real issue is not the girl. Who seems pretty innocent in whole thing. But the relationship with your son who feels he can't be honnest with you.

OliveOrTwist Tue 21-Jun-16 15:29:43

How an earth can you dictate where a 19 year old adult can and can't spend the night? It's none of your business who he sees, where he sleeps or what he gets up to.... confused

AndNowItsSeven Tue 21-Jun-16 15:29:59

I am quite careful about where I allow my 17 year old to stay for varies reason however she is not get an adult. Your son has been an adult for sometime I find your post quite bizare.

Pinkheart5915 Tue 21-Jun-16 15:35:43

over the past few weeks I have allowed my son to stay at mates WOW! He is 19 that makes him an adult.

I don't understand why you are so absolutely desperate to keep him away from his girlfriend? Yes her ex might not be very nice but he could meet a girl at any age with a crazy ex. Are you sure you just don't like the fact she is young and pregnant?
Why not try and get to know the girl before deciding you don't like them being together? Invite her over for dinner even just see what she is like.

Please don't dictate what a 19 year old can do, he will not thank you for it when he is older.

At 19 I brought my first flat with dh, and my parents certainly didn't tell me what to do.

gamerchick Tue 21-Jun-16 16:10:04

You need to release your stranglehold on your son. Or you'll lose him completely.

Wineandpopcorn Tue 21-Jun-16 16:13:31

He's not a boy, he's a man confused

Out2pasture Tue 21-Jun-16 16:30:29

I understand and see 19 still as a period of transition. Does your son have a job, career hopes or in education?
Try and separate if he has true feeling for her or if he has an urge to "rescue" her.
It might be worth discussing if the fear of the ex is genuine.
Has he had previous gf with whom he had successfully broken off?

Waltermittythesequel Tue 21-Jun-16 16:31:26

We went to my mums having to break the news to her

Break the news? What news? Whose mum?

A 19 year old ran away from home then came straight back?

This is bizarre. Are you all usually so dramatic?

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