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Unfair rule

(11 Posts)
Whathaveudone Mon 20-Jun-16 18:33:29

I don't really get much say on what goes on in our house anymore so usually I will just leave everyone to it and trust my wife will do what's best but I just don't think she is right this time. It may be quite long as I will be starting from the beginning so I apologise in advance.

March of last year our elder ds, 17 at the time and 19 now, started seeing a girl he knew from school after a few weeks of seeing her he had his 18th birthday party and asked if she could stay the night after the party and then stay the next night of his actual birthday too and we said yes that was fine. She stayed both nights and most the day the day after his birthday then she went home for a few days and came back and basically didn't leave again for more than a night or 2. She was a very lovely girl, very polite and helpful and got on well with the family so when she ended up spending the night most nights we didn't complain much. This went on until July and then she started staying less and less until mid August when we didn't see her again.

My wife asked if things had ended between them and our DS told us they were never actually together and she got a bit fed up and decided she wanted to stop seeing him. I had got the impression that he was the one choosing not to actually be together and she had left things between them because she was fed up(like he said) of not being in a relationship. But to my wife this said she was messing about with our DS and she wasn't as nice as she seemed and although all he said was she got fed up she assume that this ment she just got bored and decided to move on to someone new.

Fast forward to April this year and our son has started seeing this girl again and 3 weeks ago they officially became a couple. When son asked if she could sleep over my wife said no straight away. When asked why she said she wanted to go over some rules first and asked me to back her up, which I would have done anyway.

Her new rule is that his girlfriend can't stay anymore than 2 nights a week which would be fair enough and I'd agree with if it wasn't for my younger son, 17 having a completely different rule. He is allowed his girlfriend, 16, to stay over when he pleases and she often doesn't go home for more than a couple of hours. She is even saying that our older son can't have his girlfriend to stay over during the week that we are away even though it is not going to effect us at all whether she is or isn't around.

My wife and DS girlfriend got on really well and would often go shopping together or to see a film and she would always be helping out with dinner or housework so I was confused why she no longer wants her staying here much. I asked if something had gone on that I didn't know about or if our DS had told her something and she told me there wasn't but she just doesn't want to see our DS getting messed around and hurt. Surely this is our DS call to make though. He is older enough to deal with it with out his mothers intervention.

I just think it's very unfair that elder DS and his girlfriend have a harsher rule and younger DS and his girlfriend can do what they like. This post was about my elder DS so I won't go into details but the youngers girlfriend has often done things(not purposefully) that have upset and offended me and my wife so she has more reason to have rules for her than the elder girl.

Is it worth bringing up with my wife about this unfair rule or should I just continue to leave her to it?

Floralnomad Mon 20-Jun-16 18:37:53

You need to step in ,it's one rule for both boys anything else is grossly unfair .

Cheeseaddicted Mon 20-Jun-16 18:51:38

You need to tell your wife that she can't have two different rules for both your sons. One rule for all. It isn't fair and I can't imagine how it just make the girlfriend feel if the ther girl is allowed over when ever she wants.

PlatoTheGreat Mon 20-Jun-16 18:56:10

Yep I agree.
She can't have two rules for two children (and a stricter one for the oldest!)
Nor can she try and 'protect' your ds from hurt. If she wants a nice relationhsip with her ds and whoever ends up to be her 'daughter in law' (married or not), she will have to learn to step back.
That or she will become the MIL from hell!

ImSoVeryTired Mon 20-Jun-16 19:09:10

This is so unfair and while your wife is doing this to 'punish' the girlfriend and 'protect' her son, she is in fact punishing her son too. She is cutting off her nose to spite her face. Ridiculous.
I agree with previous posters. One rule for all. It sounds to me like your son was the one who didn't want to label it a relationship and she got fed up, then he realised he missed her.
I think your wife needs to stop being overprotective, he's a grown up and can take care of himself. Otherwise he may end up resenting his mother. Yes, there is a chance he may get hurt but that is the case with all relationships and everyone takes that risk and learns from it.

JanetRomano Mon 20-Jun-16 19:15:30

I think there are times when the rules can vary between teens based on the length of the relationship and whether or not you like the bf or gf. In our case, my 15 yr olds bf stays here 3 or 4 nights a week and I really like him. I have a 13 yr old that has not had her bf stay overnight but they have only been together 2 months now and I'm not ready for him to sleepover. Good luck.

PortiaCastis Mon 20-Jun-16 19:16:10

What do the young lady's parents have to say about all this? Your wife seems to be punishing this girl because she and your son are together and that isn't fair

maz210 Mon 20-Jun-16 19:21:29

Janet Romano, really?! shock

I think I'm going to find the teenage years difficult if this is standard. I wouldn't allow the 15 year old's boyfriend to stay, let alone the 13 year old's.

JanetRomano Mon 20-Jun-16 19:43:19

I do not let my 13 yr old have her bf here overnight. As a friend of mine said once, teens start having sex when they are ready not when us mom's are ready for them to. It's not an easy decision to let a bf start staying overnight however each parent has to make that decision on their own and do what they themselves feel is right.

Sprink Mon 20-Jun-16 19:56:21

Fuck me, where are the parents of these girls and boys who seem to, in effect, live elsewhere?

Yay for teen love and all that, but if they want to play house they can arrange their lives and finances to pay for their own shared accommodation.

In the meantime, OP, do speak up. Get some "say" in your house.

<awaits flames with glee>

Onfleek Mon 20-Jun-16 23:20:58

I think it's ridiculous to give rules to 19 year olds, they are adults by that point. Is he only allowed to see friends when he's rooms tidy and all his homework is done too? You either let him and his girlfriend come and go as they please or you tell him his girlfriend can only stay special occasions, like his birthday, and have the same rule for the 17 year old. At 16 she should not be sleeping at your house anyway.

If you insist on treating them like babies and giving them rules then you need to have the same rules for both of them. If anything the harsher rule should be for the younger boy. Your wife is being ridiculous and she's going to end up with an awful relationship with your son and his girlfriend.

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