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Awful situation with 18 year old DD, have no clue what to do

(4 Posts)
PinkPenelope Mon 20-Jun-16 13:39:57

Sorry this is going to be long and complicated, I will try to make it as brief and factual as I can.

My parents were abusive physically and mentally when I was a child, and this continued into adulthood, but this was generally on the mental bullying side, and doing things like undermining me with my children or saying things about me to family members or insulting me and putting me down.However my dad has hit me a few times in adulthood.

I have one DD from my first marriage who is now 18. First husband hit me but my parents sided with him and stayed 'friends' with him after the split. I remarried and have 2 more younger children.

3 years ago I went non contact with my parents because we were round their house and my dad hit my little boy thinking he'd put his tongue out at him. DS was 3 at the time. My parents went mad when I tackled my dad about it and they threw me out of the house, my dad twisted my arm hard up my back as he did it and threw me onto their lawn as I wasn't getting my shoes on quickly enough for his liking.

DD1's dad let her keep in touch with my parents (she was 15 at the time) and arranged for her to stay at my parents house one night per week. Then suddenly out of the blue about 3 months after I went NC with my parents DD moved out one day to live with her dad, saying she hated us all, and wouldn't talk to us all for 6 months! I have since found out that my parents actively encouraged her to leave home and persuaded her dad it would be a good idea.

Eventually she started coming home one night a week and was spending the rest of the time between her dad's house and my parents' house. She became a total stranger and was awful to be around.

Then a year ago my dad hit DD1 when she was staying at their house and she was thrown out of their house and 'banned' so she started living between her dad's house and our house, and I really thought she had finally seen my parents for what they were. She said she wanted nothing more to do with them.

However in the past few months they have been worming their way back in with her, mainly by giving her money, and she's started going there again loads to stay overnight and hardly ever comes home.

She has been more and more offhand with us all again and seems to hate us all and has said at the weekend that my parents are putting pressure on her to cut us all off (including her little brother and sister who adore her), and that she will probably have to soon as my parents have said that otherwise they will have nothing more to do with her. I feel like her father is also involved in this.

I feel fucking devastated, but just do not know what to do, and at the same time I have had enough of appeasing DD and of being dragged into this stupid game of her liking it more at other places and cutting us off and coming back to us again at leisure. She seems to only come home now when she wants something, and she certainly has no respect for any of us.

What the fuck do I do?

SlowJinn Mon 20-Jun-16 13:49:16

Your poor daughter is being emotionally blackmailed by her grandparents and father. Although she's an adult, she's probably confused and bewildered. Her lack of respect for you is learned behaviour from them. Also the money your parents are bribing her with, will be difficult to turn down.

Love her unconditionally and be there for her when the toxic trio decide she's not doing what they want. Maybe seek some counselling for yourself to safeguard your own wellbeing.

HSMMaCM Mon 20-Jun-16 14:15:46

As she's 18 it's very difficult to say anything other than you will always love her and be there for her. If you try and make her do anything she might just say no.

steppemum Mon 20-Jun-16 14:31:10

well, this is going to sound really hard, but I would write her a letter, tell her you love her unconditionally and that your house is always open to her, that it will always be her home.
Then tell her she is an adult and you respect her choice and her decision.

Letting her go if far more likely to bring her back than engaging in the constant back and forth between your parents and her father.

flowers

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