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How can I un-invite my sons girlfriend from a family holiday?

(29 Posts)
Bumbelbee Fri 17-Jun-16 20:39:23

They are both 17 and have been 'dating' for a year. They live quite a journey away and see each other for a long weekend 1-2 times a month. He asked if she could come with us on holiday to France so we said OK. Now he's decided perhaps it's a bit too much as she isn't very active, seems to prefer lazing around to anything else, playing internet games. He wants to do things like swimming while we are away and realises he'll probably spend most of the holiday in their room if she comes with us, and there's not much point in being away. He has a serious medical condition and know he needs to exercise regularly as well, swimming being particularly good for his health. He has asked me how to tell her she can't come. I have no idea, I think she'll be upset. I can take them away in the UK later in the Summer so she would get a break but it's not the same. I feel it has to come from him not us really, but is this reasonable? Any advice?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Fri 17-Jun-16 20:42:37

no, I'm with you...valuable life lesson for DS here

He asked her, so he must be the one to un-ask imo!

Do you think it has run its course and the great romance is all over?

Finola1step Fri 17-Jun-16 20:42:58

Does he actually want to break up with her?

ImperialBlether Fri 17-Jun-16 20:43:05

It's not your job to make sure she gets a holiday, though.

It's up to him to talk to her and to say that it would be better if she didn't come, because they would like different sorts of holidays. I would imagine she'll dump him, so he should be prepared just in case.

Why does he want to go out with her if she's so different to him?

Finola1step Fri 17-Jun-16 20:43:35

Oh and yes, it has to come from him.

MaisieDotes Fri 17-Jun-16 20:43:55

I wouldn't get involved at all tbh. Let him handle it. If he is old enough to bring a partner on holidays (or plan to) then he is old enough to manage the fall-out of changing his mind.

He is two years older than DD who obviously wouldn't be allowed bring a boyfriend away with us, but, if she created a situation where she decided to let someone down, she would be handling it herself.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Fri 17-Jun-16 20:46:48

He asked her. He has to un-ask her.

For all he knows she may be perfectly happy to go out and about when In France. He's not given her that chance.

No, you don't owe her a holiday, but it's not your problem to solve, it's his.

Daffodil90 Fri 17-Jun-16 20:48:29

Was she paying for herself? If you were sat you can't afford it, something else came up and your low on funds. Although that does open you up to her saying she'll pay and then your back to square one.

Do you have any relatives out there? Suggest one of them is sick and it wouldn't be appropriate for her to come this time but you'll take them away later in year as you suggested.

Mmmm, can your son ask her if she's up for all the activities? Make an itinerary including all the exercise and see what she says. She might back out. If not she can't complain when he goes and does everything and she stays in the room.

Other than that I can't think of anything more creative other than him just saying no. That might not end well for him though.

Have a lovely holiday!

DetestableHerytike Fri 17-Jun-16 20:52:27

He needs to do this.

If she's his girlfriend, surely she knows about the exercising thing? So he can tell her he'll need to be out and about, if she's not up for that then they can catch up when he's back.

DetestableHerytike Fri 17-Jun-16 20:53:10

Can't she laze around by the pool whilst he has a swim?

eightbluebirds Fri 17-Jun-16 21:04:57

Absolutely needs to come from him. He needs to be honest. Hiding behind mummy will not solve anything and is unfair on his GF.

HopeArden Fri 17-Jun-16 21:08:09

Point out to him that if he does this he is likely to end up being dumped - no girl wants to hear that her bf will have more fun without her! Wouldn't want him to be under the illusion that she will be okay with this.

KitKat1985 Fri 17-Jun-16 21:14:02

He needs to tell her. To be honest if he doesn't feel that he can go swimming for an hour or two whilst she lazes by the pool / in the hotel room then I think the relationship may be over and he needs to have a frank discussion with her anyway.

LifeHuh Fri 17-Jun-16 21:16:19

I think if he has asked her then he is stuck - I think uninviting someone from a holiday is, well,awful. How is the poor girl going to feel? Presumably your DS knows what she likes to do, he should have been thinking about what they would do and as he hasn't he's now faced (IMO) with either spending his holiday doing stuff she'll be happy to do as well,or talking to her about what he wants to do and negotiating a compromise if she doesn't want to do the same stuff all the time. His problem.
But you can't uninvited someone from a holiday, and you can't invite someone and then leave them while you go off and do exactly what you want...

MyMurphy Fri 17-Jun-16 21:17:42

I think he wants to break up with her, sorry.

VodkaValiumLattePlease Fri 17-Jun-16 21:20:52

And what if she's already bought things for the holiday? She shouldn't be out of pocket because of your son.

pictish Fri 17-Jun-16 21:21:35

No...this is on him. I don't think you should effectively lie on his behalf.

MadamDeathstare Fri 17-Jun-16 21:24:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

museumum Fri 17-Jun-16 21:26:21

Id make him do it but I'd allow him to blame me a bit eg "my mum thinks it will be a bit weird and she's insisting I join in with the family for swimming and stuff and that if you come you'd have to too".

pictish Fri 17-Jun-16 21:30:01

God no don't say anything like that.

starry0ne Fri 17-Jun-16 21:30:47

He is 17...Old enough to invite a GF old enough to uninvite her.

Not a nice Life lesson for her but not one for her either.

RubbishMantra Fri 17-Jun-16 22:07:13

I agree with posters who say your son has to take responsibility for this.

He could have a talk with her, and explain what he wants/needs from the holiday, whilst pointing out she doesn't usually want to do those things.

Perhaps being in a different country, places to explore, things to do, sunshine, local cuisine etc. might make her feel more enthusiastic re. getting out and about. If not, then he'll have to bite the bullet, and see her when he gets back. If he wants to. As PP posters have said, perhaps he's just not that into her, and the thought of being cooped up in a room with her for a week or so, has made him re-consider their relationship.

It has to come from him though, and it's not on you to give them a mini break later in the year.

RubbishMantra Fri 17-Jun-16 22:13:38

MadameDeathstare said what I was trying to get across, but more succinctly. grin

MakeLemonade Fri 17-Jun-16 22:22:37

If she likes internet games, maybe just tell her there is no wifi?!

Bumbelbee Fri 17-Jun-16 22:57:41

Thanks all! Yes, then I will stick to my guns and not intervene. It is up to him to tell her, and I did mention she'd probably dump him if he did that. I do feel for her though - she is as she is, and hasn't done anything wrong. We are paying for everything as she has very little money, and it'll cost more or less the same regardless of if she comes along or not, but of course she may have spent something in preparation. I'm getting the feeling they have run their course but neither has recognised that yet. I think he'll regret it if she doesn't go, and regret it if she does. He never seems to want to leave her to do anything normally, they just sit in his room day after day, each on their laptop, so no internet sounds like a good idea. X

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