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(31 Posts)
Wondermum81 Tue 14-Jun-16 22:03:00

I wrote this post out and as I was reading through it all got confusing and it was unclear who I'm talking about at times so I've made some fake names, they obviously aren't the real names. My daughters boyfriend is James, his brother is Mark and his girlfriend is Sophie.

My daughter stays at her boyfriend a lot, could even say she's moved in there tbh haha.

When she first started staying about 15 months ago some of her stuff started to go missing but she just assumed it was just her forgetting where she put things as she was in a different place and it was only small things so wasn't a problem. She stopped staying for 3/4 months due to an illness and only started staying again last week and stuff started to go missing again and this time it was more expensive things e.g a £25 mascara and a £200 pound pair of earrings are a few.

She rang me tonight in tears saying she was driving home because she's found out where all her stuff has been going. She came home and she told me that it is her boyfriends brothers girlfriend. I asked if she was sure and how does she know and she said she is 100% sure, she saw Sophie in James room when she thought they were out and said she was looking for a deodorant for Mark but when James said to him oh here's the deodorant later that day he had no clue what he was on about as he had never asked for it. That was her first sign. Then over the last week Sophie has been "brought by her mum" the same things my daughter has lost. Originally she thought it was just a coincidence when it was just her having the Mascara she lost or the perfume but when she was wearing the earrings yesterday and then anklet today she realised it was Sophie stealing from her. The earrings were brought from a shop that only sells one of everything so you have a unique item and her anklet was made by my other daughter in a jewellery making class at school so I know those 2 items aren't something her mum brought her.

I'm at a complete loss on what to do because I am fuming, some of my hard earned money has gone into those thing she had stolen, but my daughter says she wants to stay home until she calms down a bit then just go over and act as if she doesn't know and make sure she isn't leaving expensive/valuable to her things lying around anymore. She doesn't want any trouble so has asked me to not say anything to Mark and James mum about this as I was about to ring her. She says she obviously doesn't want her earrings back as they have been in someone else's ears, but I spent a lot of money on those and they can be sterilised before she wears them again, and she says nothing else was of value to her or she has repurchased.

I don't want to go against my daughter and speak to them anyway but at the same time I don't feel like I can leave this.

ChicRock Tue 14-Jun-16 22:07:42

I'm assuming your daughter is over 18 in which case I think you have to let her deal with it and respect her wishes that you don't call her boyfriends mum.

Genuine question - what do you expect his mum to do?

usual Tue 14-Jun-16 22:12:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortiaCastis Tue 14-Jun-16 22:16:58

I don't understand why the shop only sells one set of earrings if they're only £200. Anyway I think your dd is 18 she'll have to deal with it.

NoMudNoLotus Tue 14-Jun-16 22:25:10

DD needs to deal with as she sees fit.

Ps - could you not use capitals please- it's the equivalent of shouting .

Wondermum81 Tue 14-Jun-16 22:31:04

She is 18.

The shop only sells one pair because that's sorta shop it is, it's unique hand made things.

The boyfriends mum could speak to her son and his girlfriend. I would like to know if my sons girlfriends were stealing from each other. She has had no problem contacting me about problems so I shouldn't think she would have a problem with me speaking to her.

I will just leave her to deal with it how she wants then.

JustADevilWoman Tue 14-Jun-16 22:32:40

I think I would tell the boyfriend's mum too. Surely she should be told there is a thief in her house. I would be quite tempted to intervene with the thief as well - you bought the earrings and they were pretty expensive!

Squeegle Tue 14-Jun-16 22:33:04

nomud no need for that tone surely; we're all friends here, it's only caps in the subject linesmile

AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave Tue 14-Jun-16 22:33:49

I have a one-off piece that came from a small boutique jeweller in our town - DH bought it for me for £180 and I'm assured there isn't another anywhere in the country, if not the world. Jeweller buys her stock from very small suppliers abroad, most of whom manufacture the pieces themselves, using rough cuts of semi-precious stones and jewels so no two could ever be identical. So I do believe you on that.

If she is driving then I guess she is 17/18/19 years old?

If she is certain that the brother's girlfriend is stealing, why can't she simply take her stuff back while they're out/asleep? Surely GF wouldn't be brazen enough to call her out on this, if she's stolen the stuff in the first place?

Can DD and her boyfriend not come and stay at yours instead?

Sorry OP but your intervention won't be helpful or welcome. DD would do better to report it to the police.

ExitPursuedByBear Tue 14-Jun-16 22:33:58

Why doesn't your dd ask Sophie if she could please have her stuff back?

usual Tue 14-Jun-16 22:34:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave Tue 14-Jun-16 22:34:33

Xpost re her age - sorry OP.

1stworldproblemss Tue 14-Jun-16 22:43:12

I'm going to go against the other posters and say no, you can't just leave it. That's ridiculous. maybe each item wasnt worth much but altogether it could be and I wouldn't be happy about someone stealing things I had worked my ass off to buy.

If she doesn't want to bother much about items she's payed for just don't mention them and only mention what you payed for. I know it's still going against her wishes but explain to her you can't have someone doing that as it's pretty much stealing from you too.

Out of curiosity how old is the girlfriend? If she is older then the mother probably couldn't or wouldn't do much. You can't really tell off a 20 something girl can you and their mum probably wouldn't be comfortable to as she is someone else's daughter. But I would definitely contact his mum if she is young and even if she is older to try get a number for the girlfriend or her mother to speak to them myself.

If you have a good relationship and speak to the boyfriends mum then she probably would mind you contacting her, I would definitely like to know if someone I had welcomed into my home was stealing from others in my house.

Though i understand your daughter not wanting to cause a problem it wasn't her fault, she's not to blame and it isn't actually her who caused the problem it's the thieving girlfriend. If any of his family blame her then I hope she would see that is not a family she wants to be involved with.

Stealing is stealing at the end of the day, whether it was something cheap or something worth a lot of value.

unlucky83 Tue 14-Jun-16 22:48:27

I agree at 18 you have to leave her to deal with it - maybe she could talk to her bf's mum...or at least her bf - if she doesn't want to confront Sophie - which I understand might be really awkward...(I'm much older and I'd find it hard)
However Sophie must be pretty hard faced if she can flash stuff she has stolen off your DD...
I think this is unlikely so please don't take this the wrong way (I don't know you or your DD) but are sure these things are being stolen? Sure your DD doesn't have any money worries - debts? drugs? Or isn't giving things away for some reason - being manipulated? wanting to be liked?

1stworldproblemss Tue 14-Jun-16 22:51:29

If she doesn't want to get the mum involved could she speak to Sophie, Mark and James and explain what's going on to the boys if they don't already know and say she doesn't want to cause a problem and doesn't want their mum involved, she wants all her stuff back or an explanation on why she can't give it back like its been used up and give a time which she wants all back within, say a week or something, and if she doesn't get it back then she will take it further.

Surely if James is 18+ too then he is mature enough to respect your daughters wishes about not causing problems and if he sees her forgiving and forgetting then he will too. Then it's up too Mark if he continues to see a known theif.

Where was Mark when Sophie was snooping through her stuff? Surely if she was looking for something for him seemed like a legitimate excuse then he must've been around.

Wondermum81 Tue 14-Jun-16 23:09:41

Sophie is 16, Mark is 17 and James is 19.

She stays there because it is closer to work for her, she could walk from their house although she still does drive whereas from our house it's a 30-40 minute drive, maybe more if their is traffic. She also has it better there I think although she'd never admit that's one of the reasons, I work long hours and have a lazy partner so she has to cook for herself whereas at her boyfriends his mums makes her lunches for work and cooks dinner most nights. Also probably just wanted to spend more time with her boyfriend.

justadevilwoman I feel like I should let her know as she could also be stealing from others in the house.

It's not as easy as just taking or asking for the stuff back. I told her to do that too but it would be super hard without attracting attention as there is always someone in the house so she would be noticed looking through Marks room and she says she isn't brave enough to straight up ask for the stuff back. 1stworldproblemss that is a good idea and I will suggest it to her.

I am 100% sure these things have been stolen and not just sold. She doesn't have money problems and isn't into drugs. She isn't a big party girl and she is saving up for a new car so wouldn't be out spending lots of money. She has never been a big spender either. She was also pretty pissed when she thought theses things were lost, she even came home just to see if she had left them here and asked my other daughter and my sons girlfriend if they had borrowed some things and forgot to give them back. She was working pretty hard and putting a lot of effort into making it seem like these things were lost if she really had just given them away.

I'm not sure sophie is flashing these things, more like daughter has just noticed them. They were only small earrings and the anklet does just look like generic anklet you could buy from a shop, I know it isn't though because as I said, other daughter made it and the perfume was just one you can buy from any of our boots stores and the mascara was benefit which you can buy literally anywhere that sells make up in our shopping centres and most girls have so she probably didn't think my daughter would even notice.

Wondermum81 Tue 14-Jun-16 23:12:48

Also 1stworldproblemss James had just got in and was making a tea in the kitchen, my daughter had just rang upstairs to or her bag in the room. Mark was in the shower so he wouldn't of heard her walking around and she would've heard when the shower turned off and had enough time to sneak back into his room and look like she never left and it's also a pretty good excuse, after a shower he probably did need deodorant. It may have actually been the truth for all I know.

Onfleek Tue 14-Jun-16 23:19:42

I wouldn't even think twice about contacting Mark and James' mum if she has apparently been stealing from your daughter. Even if I thought maybe she was lying like PP has suggested and she had given these items away for money or to be liked, the truth would soon come out.

It might be too late to do it now but as soon as you can I would call his mum, even if it's just to get Sophie's mums number like another poster suggested.

I know at 18 you should let them fight their own battles but she has essentially stolen from you and your family too as your money(and your daughters time with the anklet) has gone into some of the stolen items.

Ineedanapasap Tue 14-Jun-16 23:28:37

You're going to get a lot of don't get involved replies, that's seems to be a popular opinion on MN.

But I think in this situation you need to get involved. How do you know she isn't also stealing from the boyfriends mum or from her friends? You can't just leave something like this.

Bestdaddotcom Tue 14-Jun-16 23:53:36

I believe your daughter that these things have been stolen OP. I don't know her but it seems unlikely that she has made it up. You say her work is within walking distance from boyfriends house but sometimes 40 minutes or more from yours so am I right to assume boyfriends house is about a 40 minute drive to yours aswell? That is a long time to drive for to make out like something is lost when really it was sold or given away. Especially if she has since brought these things again, you wouldnt sell a used item, which you wouldn't get full price for anyway, only to make out like it was lost and go out and buy it again at full price. Unless you're a bit dolally of course. You also mention she stayed home for a bit, I assume you mentioned it because things weren't going missing during that time and only when she was at her boyfriends house?

It's also not unlikely that someone would show off the items they have stolen especially if they're expensive items. And certainly if they are only 16 and still at the stage of wanting to impress people. My daughter had a friend at school who would always conveniently have been brought something my daughter had lost only the day before. You don't usually tend to steal things only to hide them away and never use them, she probably just didn't think your daughter would notice, usually things like parfume and make up are kept in your room or your bag and your daughter most likely isn't looking though Sophie's bags and might not even go into Marks room and you mention the earrings were small, she probably expected they would go unnoticed unless drawn attention too.

I hope you aren't doubting your daughter because of that poster. It's more likely they are being stolen than your daughter just made it all up.

Onfleek Wed 15-Jun-16 00:26:07

What benefit would you daughter have to pretend these things are lost/stolen? If she is at boyfriends all the time would you even notice they were missing? I do agree that could be a possibility but I doubt it's likely if there's no reason for her telling you she lost them and driving all that time(if PP is correct about the 40 min drive) to tell you they are lost and look for them then coming home from somewhere she basically has lived in tears to say they are stolen by someone she knows and I'm guessing stays in the same house as her sometimes if that's not the truth

Wondermum81 Wed 15-Jun-16 00:43:59

onfleek I never would've of noticed, I don't keep track of all her stuff. Even if she was living here I wouldn't have known so there was no reason she needed to tell me and no benefit.

bestdaddotcom Yeah, his house is about a 30-40 minute drive. I don't doubt her, don't worry. I believe her too.

I did send a quick text to his mum about an hour ago as her boyfriend said she was still up watching telly. Just said could she call me when she gets a chance tomorrow as I think Sophie may be stealing things from daughter and I am of course annoyed but also worried about her stealing from other people in the house and she said she would call me tomorrow morning but she has heard stories from other people about Sophie being a bit of a klepto and has even witnessed her stealing from shops and if she's been stealing from daughter then she will make sure everything gets returned or replaced.

Feel like I've done the right thing and his mum seemed understanding. I will update once I've spoke to his mum.

Onfleek Wed 15-Jun-16 00:50:01

but she has heard stories from other people about Sophie being a bit of a klepto and has even witnessed her stealing from shops

That is awful, if I knew that about her i would not let her in my house. The stories I probably could ignore but if I had witnessed someone stealing I would not want them around my home and my children, I just would not feel comfortable.

At least his mother seems like she is going to help you out. I think you have done the right thing and hopefully not too many problems are caused from this. flowers

laurenwiltxx Wed 15-Jun-16 00:55:18

His mum really should know, I would want to know if there was a thief staying at my house.

unlucky83 Wed 15-Jun-16 09:43:23

Sorry - I said not to take it wrong way ... and you know your DD's circumstances etc. I didn't want you to doubt your daughter, just to be aware things sometimes aren't as straightforward as they seem.
I'm 'glad' -if that is the right word- that they are being stolen. As that is easier to deal with - and even more pleased that your DD's bf Mum is on the case.
I only mentioned it because it crossed my mind - and I know from experience that drug addicts can be very convincing and devious....and if that was an issue (and it is obviously not) you would want to know.

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