How involved can you really get?

[Onfleek]

Im talking about things like arguments, nasty comments, rowing between children and their girl/boyfriends and even between girlfriend and girlfriend. Just leave them to it or get involved?

My youngest sons girlfriend was lovely at first but during the last year has turned into a right nasty so and so. Started around August/July time she started saying things about my elder sons girlfriend which we stupidly believed and banned from our house. Things we okay for a bit then Christmas time she started being nasty towards my son and still continutes to be. She is very controlling and doesn't let him have any sort of life outside of her. If he decides to come home without her an hour late she'll have turned up ready to stay the night, she does not give him any space. There's been lots of arguments recently that I just ignored and she has said some horrible things to my son. About march time we decided to start letting my elder sons girlfriend start coming over again and things being said from younger girl started up again. Took us until 2 weeks ago to realise everything that was said was absolute bullshit from the younger girl, probably out of jelousy but we never spoke to either girls about it. After realising nothing said about the elder girl was true we decided to let her start sleeping over again and things got really bad. Younger girl started throwing tantrums whenever elder was over, she would come to me and make out like elder girl had taken things from her or had made mean comments. Elder girl seems to just take it all in her stride and ignore it but my younger son and his girlfriend are just getting out of hand. Arguments every day and for a few days my son refused to eat dinner with us when elder girl was around, he changed his mind after an argument with his girlfriend but it won't be long until he's having to pick between her and us.

I don't want to get in the middle of it but surely I can't just sit back and let it all happen?

[Wondermum81]

How old are they all?

IMHO, I think you need to be more involved. No ignoring it. I'd sit down with your son alone and talk through what's going on. It seems like the younger girl is really upset with the elder girl. Maybe she was telling you lies because of something bigger that had gone on? I'd definitely want to question what her issue is. Sounds more than just jelousy.

[53Dragon]

How old are they? 13/14 get very involved. 18/19 I'd be asking my kids if they wanted to talk about it, but not getting involved directly. Definitely wouldn't ban one son's girlfriend from the house on the say-so of another child!

[FranksBobot]

I think you owe elder girl an apology for a start.
Younger one needs to stop acting like a toddler and I would seriously consider banning her from the house.

[Peebles1]

I'm definitely of the 'don't get involved' camp but I couldn't be arsed with this, in my own house. Three teens squabbling is bad enough without partners getting in on the action.

I'd say no-one stays over anymore - go stay at their house. Or, only one gf per night until they can get on.

Sympathies - sounds a right pain.

[Peebles1]

I meant my 3 teens, by the way!

[1stworldproblemss]

Whatever was said to you must've been serious for you to ban someone from your house. Why didn't you speak to your son and his girlfriend about what was said? Then you would've learnt it was untrue months and months ago.

I certainly would speak to the younger girlfriend. It seems a bit odd that she is upset so much by this girl. If you don't feel like you will get he truth out of her then speak to your son, he must know what's going on to refuse to eat dinner with you when the elder girl is there.

The way you say she is taking it in her stride is a bit odd too. But then again, that might be dependant on age, we do have no idea how old they are. But younger girls I would expect not to just take it all. To be banned from someone's house for 7+ months based on comments from someone who is still making theses comments isn't something you just ignore. Perhaps she isn't making q fuss because she thinks these comments are justified and she actually has done something upsetting to her.

[Onfleek]

My younger son is 17 and his girlfriend is 16 and my eldest and his girlfriend are both 19.

I did speak to my son at first but he didn't seem to give a shit, he didn't deny his girlfriend begin what I've been told but he also didn't say she was. I had no reason to think the younger girl was lying at the time so I did what I thought was best for us. It created problems and from July to March I had a very difficult time with my elder son because of girlfriend not being involved with our family and that is why I decided to let her back in.

I very much doubt she is just taking it because she is guilty. It's quite obvious the things I've been told are all fictional.

[1stworldproblemss]

Ah, well now I know their ages I take it back. At 19 she probably just isn't bothered by a 16 year old. They tend to have matured a bit more by then.

Get involved if you feel you really have to but at that age I think you just have to let them get on with it.

[achildsjoy]

It sounds like I would be looking at banning the younger one and not the older one tbh, she sounds like a right wee nasty trouble causing brat.

[corythatwas]

If I understand it correctly, it is now your son who is behaving badly at mealtimes rather than just the younger girl being unpleasant. First I would have a calm talk with him to try to find out if anything else is going on.

Then I would make clear that I will discipline him for bad behaviour over the dinner table, as over any bad behaviour. Don't make excuses for him by thinking too much about how his girlfriend is stirring- she clearly is, but he still has a responsibility to think for himself and it is his behaviour that you can parent.

But I would also make sure I talk to him (at a time when he is not feeling criticised) about relationships in general, what a good relationship looks like, how he has the right to the same respect from any girlfriend that he gives to her.

Then I would have a talk with the younger girl. Explain to her calmly that this cannot go on: she will have to explain what her real problem with the older girl is. Make it clear that unless this gets sorted she cannot keep coming over.

As for the older girl, as soon as you have ascertained that there is no underlying problem, apologise once more and assure her that you will be on top of any bad behaviour that happens in your house.

[228agreenend]

I think you do need to get involved, as it's causing family tensions. Younger gf seems to be dictating what goes on with everyone. Maybe you need to get some control back, and decide whether she can stay or not, etc. If she starts having tantrums, then shut her down. Don't let (or to use a mn's word 'enable') her to be the boss.

[ImperialBlether]

I can't imagine banning a girl from the house (unless she was stealing or similar) would do anything except make your child spend more time with her outside the house.

Take some comfort in the fact the relationship between your younger son and his girlfriend probably won't last. If she's too high maintenance he'll soon go off her.

[Fabellini]

If someone turned up at my house, uninvited, expecting to stay the night, then I'm afraid my answer would be no.....neither of my ds's would have a say. The exception would be some kind of emergency, obviously, but if it's happening on a regular basis, then I'd be saying quite firmly "I'm sorry, X, but ds is already in bed, he didn't tell me you were coming tonight, so I think you should go home and see him tomorrow". I know that makes him sound like a 6 year old whose friend has come knocking to see if he can play out.....but if she's not listening, then maybe that approach is required. At any rate, considering they're just 16, I'd be exerting my parental authority s little more than seems to be happening at the moment.
To be fair, I'd say the same to any of my ds friends who kept just turning up, I'm not running a b&b!
It sounds as though both your ds, and their girlfriends, think they can come and go freely at your home, telling you what to do, and you all seem to have forgotten that it's your house, and you decide how it's run. Maybe sit your sons down - without their girlfriends - and remind them of that.

[rogueantimatter]

Yes.

17YO DD always asked if her bf could stay over - we usually said yes - but not during the week unless there was a very good reason. There was no hard and fast rule but they wouldn't have been allowed to spend the night in the other's home more than once or twice a week - there's no need at that age.