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Hate my sons girlfriend

(30 Posts)
Bestdaddotcom Fri 10-Jun-16 14:35:28

I hate hate hate hate HATE my sons girlfriend. She is nasty, manipulative and controlling.

Last weekend Me and my partner took her daughter, my 2 sons and their girlfriends and my daughter and her 2 young children to the beach to the beach as it was hot. They all had brought swimming stuff with them so decided to go in the sea, so obviously son took his T-shirt off and she quickly jumped onto him about putting in back on. My partner asked why and she told her because there are other girls around. I tried to politely point out that my son is a skinny pale 17 year old boy, girls aren't going to look at him and think oh wow I'll have some of that 😂 This is just one example of the controlling things she does.

She never lets son have a social life outside of her and even my son has moaned to me about this. She has all his passwords for his phone, Facebook and other social media accounts. Doesn't even let him see other girls even his friends and get extremely jealous when he is talking to my elder sons girlfriend even though she is 19 and has no interest in a 17 year old, oh yeah AND IS HIS BROTHERS BLOODY GIRLFRIEND. She even says nasty things to me and partner and the other girlfriend. Even got told that she had a massive row with her 14 year old sister because she had taken a picture that my son had photo bombed on her phone and she wanted her sister to delete it because "he is her boyfriend and she doesn't need a picture of him on her phone"

Me and my partner think we get on pretty well with her despite our dislike for her but I can't deal with it anymore.

Should I speak to my son and tell him I'm worried about their relationship and I really do not like her or just leave it alone and let them get on with it?

YouAreMyRain Fri 10-Jun-16 14:40:17

You criticised your son's physical appearance and suggested that he was unattractive to the opposite sex, in front of his girlfriend and his siblings?!

That's really not kind

Ineedanapasap Fri 10-Jun-16 14:40:40

Sounds exactly like my 17 year old and his girlfriend. Pretty much the same situation and the same sort of scenarios, I could of written this post myself. grin We also went to the beach a few weeks ago, it was boiling hot and when my son took his top off she told him to put it back on as other girls were around even though she was was wearing a tiny tight top and had her arse almost hanging out of her shorts. She also argued with her younger sibling about having photos of her boyfriend whilst on a family holiday.

I just let them get on with it tbh. My son moans about her to me but he never does anything about it so I assume he doesn't care as much as he makes out to me. Just listen to your son when he talks to you.

Bestdaddotcom Fri 10-Jun-16 14:42:02

It was joke and he laughed about it. My sons a very good looking lad but he bare torso isn't going to attract the opposite sex anymore than if it was covered.

Bestdaddotcom Fri 10-Jun-16 14:43:39

Also like to point on that we wasn't on a beach full of beautiful single 17 year old girls. They was mostly familys!

TamaraHiddlestoned Fri 10-Jun-16 14:46:58

Maybe talk to him about standing up for himself & making his own decisions.

Most concerning to me is the social media password control; he needs to stop that asap ( the possibilities for damage to him / his reputation are huge)

She sounds extremely immature & needy; I hope he wises up very quickly & ends this relationship.
Meanwhile- are they using birth control? If not, give him some condoms!

DoinItFine Fri 10-Jun-16 14:50:22

OK, glad to know your comment was a joke. It sounded pretty mean TBH.

That really does not sound like a healthy relationship at all.

Is she 17 too?

I can see why you are worried.

What do you say when he moans about her being controlling?

Are you able to hide how much you hate her?

SirChenjin Fri 10-Jun-16 14:54:01

I have an 18 year old son - and just as if my DD had a controlling partner like this, I'd be doing as Tamara says and having a word about boundaries, respect, jealousy and assertiveness.

I wouldn't say that you don't like her, but you could ask him how he feels when she does X, or whether he likes it when she does Y, and so on. Let him know that you've noticed it by letting him take the lead. I'll bet he's feeling very uncomfortable about it, but either likes the idea of having a GF or just doesn't know how to extricate himself from it and quite enjoys sex on tap

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 10-Jun-16 14:56:34

Ride it out, it's unlikely she'll be around forever. Let's hope the next one is nicer. I think you should have strong words about passwords etc though!!

Ouriana Fri 10-Jun-16 14:58:29

Support him to be independant but please do not get involved or try to break them up! The last thing you need is them seeing it as a "Rome and Juliet" style situation.

Id keep encouraging him to see his freinds, go on lads holidays and maintain some independance. Are either of them planning on leaving for university?

It really is not a healthy sotuation but he needs to learn for himself how to impose his own boundaries and not be manipulated.

Most importantly make very very very sure he is using condoms. Make sure he knows he can not rely on her using birth control! A

claraschu Fri 10-Jun-16 15:03:36

We had a similar situation. The heartbreaking thing for us was that we couldn't say anything that could possibly be construed as even slightly critical. Even after they broke up I have never been able to speak to my son about her.

I ended up just trying to be as kind an accepting and non-controlling as I could be, doing some kind of crazy "pick-me dance", (which is absurd as I am his mother, but that's how it felt sometimes). She would try to get him to herself all the time, so I just tried to make home as comfortable for him as I could, and eventually their relationship ended, but I am not sure how or why.

Please have a very serious conversation about condoms, including the part about how boys have NO say in whether a girl has an abortion. An unbalanced young girl may well decide, perhaps unconsciously, to stay pregnant even if she is clearly unready to be a mother, had no intention of getting pregnant, and said she would abort if she did get pregnant. Your son has to protect himself with a condom.

claraschu Fri 10-Jun-16 15:05:02

sorry, the "perhaps unconsciously" snuck in there from a deleted sentence...

FuzzyOwl Fri 10-Jun-16 15:07:25

I agree about having a serious conversation about using condoms but otherwise I would be very surprised if they are together for long. He is only 17 and has already moaned to you that she impacts his social life.

DoinItFine Fri 10-Jun-16 15:09:26

Yes, definitely condoms all the way.

He needs to be responsible for his own contraception, regardless of whatever steps she is taking.

Bestdaddotcom Fri 10-Jun-16 15:12:20

Yeah, she doesn't know how much I dislike her. She even told her friends one time that we liked her more than the other girlfriend which isn't not true.

We have told him that he needs to change his password and not tell her his new one but he never does.

He is using condoms and she has the implant so I'm pretty sure they are safe there.

He just moans to me about her doing his head in and one time he said to me he just want to be able to have friends. So I've told him that he needs to tell her this and he did once and she agreed to back off a bit but a month later it was back to normal. I keep telling him if she gives him grief for seeing his friends then he needs to decide if it's really worth it, I never told him I have a dislike for her and I don't tell him to break up with her as I want it to be his decision.

It might have been mean if j was serious but they all know I was joking around. Everyone tells me what a good looking pair my son and they know they are haha.

Nether are planning on uni as far as I know.

CodyKing Fri 10-Jun-16 15:21:00

Ask him - what would you say to a friend if it was happening to them? How would you feel if Fred never wanted to go out because he had a girlfriend? When he moans ask him - how do you think you could change that?
He knows the answers just needs to get there himself with out your "advice"

Also - you could say "gosh did you see X in the paper where the gf did y cos she had the passwords?

1stworldproblemss Fri 10-Jun-16 15:41:57

How does she get on with the he rest of the family? Do they dislike her too?

Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do. Sounds like a really unhealthy relationship though. Like pp have said, help him realise that this isn't a good relationship.

MadisonAvenue Fri 10-Jun-16 15:43:14

We had a similar situation with our son and his girlfriend. They were together for 18 months and initially we though she was lovely, and she was a nice girl, but she became very manipulative and controlling. We barely saw him, and when we did he was rude to us. We couldn't do anything as a family without her tagging along, regardless of whether she was invited or not! Or he couldn't agree to anything without okaying it with her first.

They were in sixth form together and she tried to influence where he went to university, she didn't want him to go away so he chose a local university but still decided to live in halls which she wasn't happy about. She dropped out of sixth form just before they say their A2s and despite us saying to him that perhaps he'd benefit from revising without her sat next to him watching TV or showing him something on her phone every 5 minutes, nothing changed. He managed to scrape into university with bang on the required amount of UCAS points that he needed (and thankfully the university he'd chosen required a lower total than other universities offering the same course). Since being with her he'd basically gone from having predicted A*/A/B grades to scraping in with a C, D and E!

We did actually have a word with him earlier this year. We told him how worried we were about her affecting his work, plus he'd gone to university to live uni life but was back and forwards over here to see her, or she was staying in the halls with him so he was wasting money on accommodation when he may as well have just stayed at home. I don't think he was especially impressed with what we had to say, and it was hard because he was 19, an adult and free to make his own mind up but as parents it was so difficult to sit back and see the mistakes he was making, with the possibility of him screwing up his future.

Two weeks later, it was over.
Since then he's immersed himself into uni life, has a wonderful group of friends who he's sharing with next year and he's seemingly enjoying spending time with us again. We knew she was controlling but we never realised just how much she was affecting him. He's happy, chatty, invites me out for lunch, asks his Dad and myself to meet him at a pub near to his university, has had his younger brother over to stay with him when previously our younger son wouldn't even sit in the same room as his brother and girlfriend. The change in him is incredible.
We came to the conclusion that she was trying to reduce any contact he had with us and I know were were losing him. Even his brother said that he felt she'd been trying to cause problems between them, hence why he kept his distance when she was around.

Absolutely agree that you should talk about contraception with him.

Fairylea Fri 10-Jun-16 15:45:20

If teens are anything to go by I would make her your new best friend and welcome her with open arms- nothing like your mum loving your boyfriend / girlfriend to completely put you off them!

riceuten Fri 10-Jun-16 15:46:30

He has to come to this conclusion of his own free will. Otherwise you will look controlling and manipulative - which of course, you are not.

Just5minswithDacre Fri 10-Jun-16 15:47:19

She sounds insecure. I'd kill her with kindness personally.

Normandy144 Fri 10-Jun-16 16:03:24

I agree you need to tread carefully but you need to almost be the thorn in his side pricking at his conscience reminding him that this isn't normal.

So for example keep on at him about meeting his friends. If necessary then mention it when she is around and see what her reaction is. I do think it is worth reiterating the contraception issue too - he needs to make sure he's using it every time and not being persuaded otherwise.

Bestdaddotcom Fri 10-Jun-16 17:47:42

Bit 50/50 on the other family members opinions on her. My daughter isn't her big gears fan, thinks she is too intense and she is constantly telling her to stop calling her children her Neices. My partners daughter gets on pretty well with her but tells me a lot that she finds her really rude. My son isn't bothered by her at all, he doesn't notice it tbh but his girlfriend hates her for obvious reasons.

Thank you all for your advice.

PortiaCastis Fri 10-Jun-16 17:53:20

Sorry but could I just ask how you know she told her friends you didn't like her?

PortiaCastis Fri 10-Jun-16 17:54:59

Also have you met her parents, what do they think of the relationship?

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