What should I do?!

[Ineedanapasap]

My son, 19 has just come to me and said he thinks his girlfriends, 18, parent are abusing her. Her parents aren't together anymore so I asked whether he meant her mum or her dad, I've known she has had issues with her step dad since he moved in 8 years ago, and he said he thinks both. Apparently she gets very worried all the time about how her parents might react to certain things. Some examples he gave me was she has been house sitting with my son the last 2 weeks and as this was last minute she didn't let her driving instructor know that she will be at a different house until a few hours before her lesson meaning last week she had to pay for a lesson she didn't have as it was too late for her instructor to rearrange lessons with others before and after to allow time to drive from one house to another. Girlfriend then had a major panic attack and apparently was crying her eyes out worrying about what her mum is going to say to her even though she pays for her own lessons. Another is she got really stressed out about being less than half an hour late to dinner at her dads although they were told to arrive at his an hour before they were serving up dinner.

My son tells me that his happens a lot, she is always panicking about what her mum or dad are going to say about such little things and spends most her time before going back home stressing out. I have often wondered what their situation is as a lot of the time she does not like to go home. I am ashamed to admit one time I even lied to her mum about something so she could stay a few more nights here as I could see how upset she was about going home. I never actually considered there may be abuse going on, whether physical or just verbal. When she actually does go home she will come back here and for a few hours, sometimes even the whole weekend, she is very distant and looking on the brink of tears.

Is this worth having a word with her about it? She is very trusting of me and she has been open about many other things that some would not be. Or is it best just left alone? I'm not really sure because on previous posts I've read and even on a couple I posted people seem to be really against being close to children's partners and getting involved in things that aren't their business! But if abuse is going on surely it's best for me to try work out what?

[Jennyf68]

Hmm that's hard.

What's the situation with the step dad?

Is it possible she doesn't want to go home because she just wants to spend more time with your son?

For now, I wouldn't come straight out with it but next time she comes over after being home ask her how things are at home, how are her family things like that and keep doing that for a few weeks and if you think there is something off going on based on how she is answering then sit down with her, just you 2, and tell her your worries.

DO NOT lie to her mother again as if she finds out this could cause more issues for her.

[1stworldproblemss]

I too am wondering the situation with step dad? Is that abuse or something else? If you are already aware of abuse towards her then I would certainly suggest speaking to her as it could be quite serious!

Does she have bruises or any evidence of physical abuse?

I don't think it has much or anything, to do with wanting to spend more time at your house as pp suggested. If that was the case she probably wouldn't still be acting funny once at yours. Don't think lying to anyone is going to help the situation for her either, so perhaps, unless needed, don't do that again.

I understand the worry about being criticised for being involved but MN is here to help and for advice so well done for posting!!

Wishing you all the luck and i do hope the girlfriend is okay! Not sure what I would do if I suspected any of my children's partners were being abused. It's very difficult but you know the girl and I trust you will mark the right decision.

[Ineedanapasap]

She doesn't get along with him at all. He does very little to help out at home yet always moans at her and her siblings about little things. He just is a bit of a dick in all honestly. Last year we had a few issues as my other sons girlfriend did not like her one bit so went over to talk to her mum as there were lots of tears shed and mum was worried. Whilst there he came home from where ever he was and when mum introduced us he just said "what has she done now f*k sake, leave me out of this" although not massive evidence of him being a bit of a knb put with things I've been told I can see why she doesn't like him.

i think I will take your advice and just ask questions for a few weeks and see what I think then. She does have lots of bruises but she has an iron deficiency and from what I understand that causes her to bruise easier for just small bumps.

[Jennyf68]

Sounds as though he might be verbal abusive but I can't judge from the small bit you provided.

In all honesty, she could just worried about parents opinions, they might actually be nothing to worry about and she's just a worrier.

You had problems with her and your other sons girlfriend? Is she a bit of a trouble maker then? Maybe it's all attention seeking.

[claraschu]

I would be worried about the bruises. The iron deficiency could just be an excuse.

[Ineedanapasap]

Yes he is verbally abusive and her mum has said that to me. Son and her often tell me of him upsetting her mum.

Yeah that is a possibility. Her dad certainly, I would say from what I've been told, has very high expectations that I don't feel any one could meet. For example, she works part time while she is at college, for me that would be good enough, her last exam is in the next fortnight so soon she would need to find full time work and since Christmas I've been told her parents are pushing her to do that but everytime she gets an interview she is turned away as they need someone asap. That's not a good enough reason for her parents and they say she is just lazy and not trying hard enough.

The problems with the other girlfriend were caused mainly by my son and his girlfriend, not her. All sorted now.

I am worried about the bruises but she can be quiet clumsy bumping into things. I will definitely bring it up if I decide to have a word with her.