Depressed that DD 16 never helps at home

[RummidgeGeneral]

My DD is generally a good kid. She works hard at school. She doesn't give me much grief apart from that she doesn't lift a finger to help with any domestic stuff. Her focus is her friends. She goes out a lot and basically comes back for meals and then either disappears up to her room or goes out. I just want her to notice how much effort it takes to run a house. I talk to her about wanting her to take more of a share but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to everyday life except she will tackle her gruesome bedroom when forced. Please, will it get better as she gets older in your experience. I am becoming so resentful and shouty.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

You cook the meal. so she should do the dishes.
No dishes, no meal.

[GasLightShining]

In my experience it hasn't got better. DD works more hours than me so apparently I have more time

[Wolfiefan]

What do you want her to do?
Mine have to tidy their rooms and stack the dishwasher.
Don't get resentful. Use consequences. If room is a mess turn off WIFI or refuse to ferry her about. If she doesn't tidy up after a meal then call her back down.

[scarlets]

She sounds like me at that age. I wish that my parents had been more robust, because when I went to university I was hopeless and it irritated my lovely flat mates. I agree with pp who suggested linking wifi usage/lifts to successfully completed chores.

[frenchfancy]

I expect help with the dishwasher and for them to clear up after themselves and do their own laundry. If they don't do it they have no food and no clean clothes.

I don't expect them to help with the general housework, but if we are doing a big clean and I ask they help.

[FuzzyOwl]

If you haven't already, I would stop doing her laundry. If she wants to meet her friends, what she looks like will be very important to her at 16. Therefore, she can wash, dry and iron her own clothes.

As for meals, leave something like salad etc to be prepared and get her to do it for the family before she can eat.

I also agree about the wifi and lifts. Good luck.

[PlaymobilPirate]

I'd expect her to keep her room clean, chip in with dishes after a meal and maybe do a couple of other chores.

No point just chatting about it though - she needs to know what jobs you expect doing and when and if there are any consequences to not doing them.

Depressed about it though? Obviously more going on.

[Lweji]

She should be responsible for certain things, whatever you think is tight. Possibly negotiate down so that she feels she had an input on it.
Consider what she gets at home as perks and not entitlements. Same with any allowance. Have her work to earn it.

[princessmi12]

Your title suggested something horrible . depressed ! She's a good kid,she does well in school.Be greatful you don't have SERIOUS issues with her . Talk to her have heart to heart,explain how difficult you find it. Personally I wouldn't moan on mumsnet about my DC (nearly same age ),but always say how proud I am of my DC
Sorry, just here there are a lot of people with real difficult problems and this one isn't one of them

[RummidgeGeneral]

Thanks for all your replies. Yes, you are right that I am getting this out of proportion. I have increased my hours at work and we need to make some changes for the whole family - not just DD.

[Lweji]

Personally I wouldn't moan on mumsnet about my DC (nearly same age),but always say how proud I am of my DC
Sorry, just here there are a lot of people with real difficult problems and this one isn't one of them

Why not?
MN is not only for serious problems, and it always pays off to address less serious issues before they get worse.

OP, post what you bloody like. And moan about what you like. :)

[Peebles1]

My 3 would never dream of lifting a finger at that age unless I asked. If I ever had a rant at them, they'd say 'but you didn't ask'. So I had to be very specific: 'you Hoover that room and that room' 'you polish that room and that room' 'you clean the bathroom'. Then they'd whinge and moan but do it. When I increased my hours I told them, like you, that they'd have to do more to help. We identified an evening when everyone would be least bothered about cleaning - Thursday in our case (no one wants to clean on Friday!). Oh, and they did their own ironing. I never bothered much about their rooms - just shut the door on it, it's their problem. You could link it to money if you think that'd work? No allowance unless ... (if you give her one?).

Good luck - they're lazy little sods aren't they? But so was I!

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Princess - sometimes it's better to mull things over first. Good for you that you don't about your dc, the OP isn't moaning she's talking through an issue. You aren't the thread police, MN is for little issues as well as huge problems.

OP I would be very direct, tell her what needs doing, if need be write a list. Ds is the same ,I need to ask our out won't get done but I'll be blowed if I will let it go just because he's a good kid.

[princessmi12]

Just get the feeling OP will never be happy with how her daughter is,irrespectively how well she does in all areas of her life.If DD will start doing more around her house,then OP will find something else to "depress" about.Its ultimately not about daughter's behaviour but about OP's expectations.
How can someone be resentful of their own child due to minor issue is beyond me.

[NapQueen]

You want her to realise something that most 16 year old son do not have the capacity to - that outside of their immediate space the world still turns and stuff still happens.

Unless you are prepared to cut back on what you do for her then how is she to realise how much you do?

[foodiefil]

I was like this. And looking back I can see how upset and frustrated it made my parents.

What won't work: shouty shrillness

What might work: sternness and proper threats followed through!

Good luck. She won't think she's hurting you, they are so oblivious at that age! I live with two half the week (my partner's) and teenagers are in their own little world...

[Lweji]

Just get the feeling OP will never be happy with how her daughter

That's incredibly goady. Do you know the OP?
Just because her DD isn't doing drugs it doesn't mean the OP has to treat her like the second coming.
A reality check seems warranted. No big deal and no big drama. Just adjust expectations.

My DS already knows he's supposed to contribute at home. I'm sure he'll need some reminders as we go along but I'll damn make sure he doesn't treat home like a free hotel.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Princess- how on earth have you come to that conclusion from the OP?

[JustDanceAddict]

I use a rota - it's loose as we are not always here for our stint, but it does work and it makes my two appreciate the fact that they have to contribute to the clearing up of meals (the main focus of it). DD and DS are nearly 14 and 12 respectively and can easily clear up after the meal, empty and fill dishwasher, sweep, wipe around, etc. DD is a good cook and will also make dinner occasionally.
I didn't really help much around the house and I was clueless re cooking when I went to uni. DD will be able to bake and cook and be used to pulling her weight (and DS, although he isn't as interested in cooking - too fussy with food!!).
Even when I wasn't working f/t, I still insisted that they help as I was getting very resentful of doing all the household chores.

[chocolateworshipper]

Is she doing GCSEs at the moment? I am in a similar situation with my DD and I have decided that as soon as exams are over, I am putting my foot down!

[228agreenend]

She sounds like a typical teenager!

I plan to get my 16 year old to do a lot more stuff after the exams, primarily cooking more. His room gas got really messy during the exams. That will change after the exams.

[228agreenend]

Chocolate - great minds think alike!

[RummidgeGeneral]

DD doing AS levels in year 12. Almost finished though. We have had a much bettertime recently. I took on board advice about being very specific about what jobs I want to see done, and I have done this with younger siblings too, so it is fairer for them all. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

[BabyGanoush]

how about no pocket money/allowance/wifi unless she helps out?

What happens if you ask her to do a specific job? Say: "Could you empty the dishwasher with me?" or "Help me hang up the laundry" and "Can you hoover the front room"?

I find that works with my teen, is to ask them to do a small do-able job on a regular basis, not enough for him to stamp his feet about or for me to get shouty. No threats either, but if he is rude (refusing to help) I tell him it is rude and to forget about playing on the PS4 for the day (I guess that is a kind of threat, but I am honestly quite friendly and unshouty about it ). That way helping becomes a habit.

So, OP, what happens if you ask your DD to help wash up for example?

[blueskyinmarch]

My DD is 18 and will help out if asked, but doesn’t really see what needs doing. I didn’t get her to do anything during her exams but now she will happily help out when i ask and i am pretty specific about what i want done and when i want it done by. She knows her allowance can be stopped if she doesn’t pull her weight. Do you give your DD money? If so you could make it contingent upon doing particular chores?