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very very close friendships?

(9 Posts)
aliasjoey Tue 17-May-16 22:10:29

DD (14) is best friends with another girl the same age, and I mean BFF forever and ever. It's like they're joined at the hip, and have been for 5 years.

Now although I'm not that fond of the girl - she can be pretty immature - generally i let them be, because at this age you can no longer choose their friends. We encourage other friends, but as my DH says we can't prevent them hanging out together.

The problem is it's starting to affect DDs confidence in that she isn't happy to do anything without the BFF. And vice versa, they rely on each other so much.

Now everything that DD does, the friend copies. DD joined Guides - so BFF followed her. DD joined drama club - immediately the BFF did too! For our own reasons we had to quit the drama.... and so did BFF. We suggested that the friend try out for some kind of sport, which she is good at and DD isn't, but of course that didn't happen.

Now DD has shown an interest in swimming, and we looked into suitable clubs. Thought it would be good for her to try something new and make new friends (bear in mind they spend most of their free time together, 1 hour once a week meeting new people isn't much is it?) DD came out of first swim meet, immediately phoned the BFF to tell her, and she is now going to find out about joining.

DH says there's nothing we can do, and any attempt to split them up would 'drive it underground' ?! confused I think if we do nothing we'll end up with a Heavenly Creatures scenario and someone getting murdered.

Sorry it's so long. They are both only children btw, which maybe explains their obsessive closeness.

*ages, sex and activities may have been changed to protect anonymity

Optimist1 Tue 17-May-16 22:59:09

Didn't want to read and run, although I'm not sure what to suggest! It sounds as though your daughter isn't averse to taking up new activities on her own. I think I'd be making a devious plan for the school summer holiday - arranging to be away for the period immediately before or after BFF's family holiday (thus potentially creating 4 weeks apart for the girls) and suggesting team activities that would ensure that my daughter spent time with a variety of new friends. Having said that, I wouldn't be surprised if your girls are making a devious plan for each to accompany the other on the family summer holiday! Sorry. sad

PippaFawcett Tue 17-May-16 23:03:22

I think teenagers do often have very intense friendships, I imagine it might change when one of them gets a boyfriend. I would insist on 'family time' at the weekend when your DD unplugs and doesn't stay in touch with her friend if possible so at least you all get some breathing room.

aliasjoey Tue 17-May-16 23:48:32

Oh thanks for the replies! Tbh I'm so tempted to go and tell the parents not to let the friend take up swimming, but my DH has said

A) it will make no difference since the swim class is only 1 hour a week
B) we could really piss off everyone

And I remembered something else, DD got a keyboard for her birthday; as soon as BFF found out (same day) a keyboard was ordered online for her.... confused

Re. DDs confidence, she gets quite anxious trying new things, and already said to me "I wish a friend was here"

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 17-May-16 23:52:09

Not sure I see the issue.. Intense friendships are common at that age, they will grow out of it.

aliasjoey Wed 18-May-16 11:21:18

Have you never seen Heavenly Creatures?! shock grin

Joking aside, the issue is DDs confidence seems to be very low, and I worry that she's not engaging with friends her own age.

But you're right, it is pretty common and hopefully they will grow out of it. (Especially - as another PP said, when they get boyfriends!)

corythatwas Wed 18-May-16 13:26:49

This will pass. And you really need to resist any temptation to try to manage your dd's social life (or even know too much about it) at her age. Give her the tools, talk to her about friendships and resisting pressure in a general way, build up her confidence in a general way, but accept that she is getting to an age where she will have to manage these things on her own. fwiw I never had a best friend as a teenager: that really did not help me to connect with new people either, just made me even less confident.

janiedee Mon 30-May-16 19:02:16

My dd 16 is in the middle of her GCSEs, on the day before they started at the beginning of May her best friend (and only real friend) of 10 years told her that they needed to spread their wings and not see each other. They saw each other at school and without much discussion about what had been said, it was all forgotten about and went back to normal, hours of face timing, going out etc. Last week, the day before school finished for exam leave, the friend decided it was the right time to ignore my dd completely! DD hasn't a clue what she's done, she's a quiet girl who lacks confidence in her ability to make friends and has always struggled (just like her dad), she is obviously upset and confused too. We've been filling her time as best as we can and she still has exams to do so needs to study. I want to help her spread her wings, has anyone any advice for teenagers with low self confidence xxxx I just feel so sad for her xx

janiedee Mon 30-May-16 19:06:52

Please excuse me - meant to send this as a new post - have never posted before and now I can't delete it!!!

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