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16 yr old daughter has a bad boyfriend and wont listen!!

(13 Posts)
rockerchixtrish73 Tue 17-May-16 14:11:39

my 16yr daughter has recently started her 1st major relationship w a boy she met at church who is a friend of the family and ive known his parents since he was born

the problem is that josh (the new boyfriend) has taken my little girl and changed her to a little monster!! she comes home drunk every weekend which wakes her little brother up but she doesn't care !

i can argue with her all i can and my husband can try and disipline her but she just yells that he isn't her father (which is tru ) and slams her door on me! as a stay at home mum i often find my daughter hard to deal with and hard to deal with the atmosphere she leaves behind

ive told her she is not allowed to see josh and his parents agree and all she does is tell me im being unfair and now refuses to sit with her family, or come out with us for family lunches! how do i deal with this girl?? angry angry

Socialaddict Tue 17-May-16 14:44:51

No advice I am afraid, but I think I would start by withdrawing any privileges until the behaviour improves. Such sudden change in your DD sounds a bit odd. Do you think she might be taking something else apart from the alcohol? Apologies for presuming, but it sounds very strange to me to have such sudden change in behaviour under the influence of alcohol or the boyfriend only. Good luck.

corythatwas Tue 17-May-16 14:48:36

I think you need to think about a number of things. It is obviously very distressing for you, but it is also vitally important that you do the right thing.

First of all, do you think this boyfriend is actually abusive and controlling? If so, it will take very gentle and clever support to get her away from him.

But if he is not abusive, then I am afraid you need to give up on this idea that he has changed your sweet little girl into a monster. She is nearly an adult: unless she is actually being coerced (as in being held down and having alcohol poured down her throat), the only reason she gets drunk is because she chooses to.

I think the greatest service we can do to our teenagers is to make it clear that they are responsible for their actions. Nobody else can turn her into a monster. I remember my brother trying this on after he came home drunk the first time - blaming it all on the adults who had supplied the drink. My parents fell for it (which I would not have done) and turned their rage on the organisers: they found out later he had been rather free with the truth.

You also need to think about what messages you are giving her. You mention that you want your little girl back, but if you think a little that isn't really what you should be wishing for: she cannot and should not stay your little girl. You must let her feel that you will be happy and excited about the adult her (as long as the adult her is a decent person).

I would spend some time talking to her: make it clear that you understand that she is nearly an adult and needs more freedom, but that with freedom comes responsibilities, and responsible adults behave courteously and considerately towards anyone with whom they happen to be sharing a living space. This means coming home when she has said she will, not being loudly drunk and waking people up. Remind her that regardless of boyfriends she is responsible for her behaviour.

Oh and I don't think summoning your husband to discipline her gives a good message: it seems to say that women need men to back them up and give them authority: not a good idea if she is already struggling with the influence of young men in her life.

Littleballerina Tue 17-May-16 14:49:39

I've noticed a huge change in my dd's behaviour since getting a bf although not to the same level as yours.
Sit her down and set out some boundaries. She's a young adult but not old enough to be acting in this way with no consequences.

Littleballerina Tue 17-May-16 14:51:10

Forgot to ask.... why is it his fault?

Patchworkrainbow123 Tue 17-May-16 16:56:17

I really dont think banning the relationship is the way to go im afraid. I understand that your frustrated and feel helpless at how to change the situation but by banning it you will only make the relationship seem more exciting. I know this from bitter experience.

Try and remember that at 16 she is almost an adult and free to make her own choices. You need to have faith that you have raised her to believe in herself, her decisions and actions. As cory said I would sit her down and try to talk about things in a calm, rational way. She will do things that you dont like or approve of but she needs to feel that her decision and therefore consequences are her own. Good luck!

PortiaCastis Tue 17-May-16 16:58:07

Why is the boy bad?

Leeds2 Tue 17-May-16 17:02:38

Why do Josh's parents think they shouldn't see each other?

Euripidesralph Tue 17-May-16 17:02:47

Agreed with others if you believe he is abusive absolutely step in whatever it takes and get advice from women's aid on how to handle it

However if he is just the "bad boyfriend" you may have to accept this part of her life....teach her about staying safe whilst drinking etc but accept she is going to

Both my sister and I had leather jacketed stereotypical wrongun 's at that age and we are both now mature capable senior managers in a school and the care sector respectively. ...I'm happily married to a very decent man with two beautiful children....it was a phase and I grew out of it ... as long as she knows how to stay safe ride it out

scarlets Tue 17-May-16 18:07:06

Perhaps, like lots of 16y olds, she'd be drinking even if she were not going out with him? I think that if you forbid her to see him you might have a battle on your hands - she's getting older, and you won't be able to control her social life a year or so from now. I'd ride this out - they won't last, she's only 16, she'll be with someone else next year.

I'd definitely admonish her for waking up the household though - but I'd do that if she were 26 or 46, because it's really bad manners.

rockerchixtrish73 Wed 18-May-16 08:49:04

hi guys thank u for all your support in this troubling time

im afraid the sitatuation has gotten out of hand and i don't want to jump to conclusions but i feel she might be pregnant

for the past couple of days she's been throwing up in the mornings when she thinks me and jason are asleep, but ive just been putting that down to hangovers or a bug since ive just gotten over one myself

im starting to think her not turning up for dinner or lunches might be more than her being angry at me because whenever i was pregnant myself i never felt like eating

KellyElly Wed 18-May-16 09:02:45

Are you actually giving people's real names???

Stardust160 Wed 18-May-16 09:11:31

Your details are varying outing to you, I would ask mms to remove the posts with names. I do think your blaming the behaviour of your DD on her bf but to be honest it's normal teenage behaviour. I think I and others have over done it in our youth.

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